I just finished watching a fascinating documentary on the Civil War. To me it is quite intriguing. I find myself thinking about the hows and whys. What were the men thinking when they went into battle, what spurred them on to keep on fighting in the midst of all the blood and gore that went on? The pillaging and burning of whole cities. The battles with your brothers. The fight for survival and the joy of just having shoes and something to eat. The will to survive a day must have been intense. In some battles, thousands were killed in a matter of minutes. Where did they find courage to keep going? The drive inside them to get up and march for hours and miles,to only fight and die. It had to be worse to watch your friends and family die. The weapons that were used were quite primitive and evolved into a lucrative business to others. I wonder if half of them even knew what they were fighting for? Reading about and watching shows about the civil war have always captivated me. I tend to look at The internal struggle that the men, and the country went through.
I think we all have a battle that goes on in our hearts and in our minds. To do good, or evil. The desires of our flesh and the will of our heart. I want to good, but i can’t. My flesh is always in a battle, to say this or not to say it. To look at this or that, to pursue what ever pleases my inner most desires. To get what I want regardless of the cost. Who cares who gets hurt along the way. I am entitled, or I worked hard for this, so I deserve it. So I wage war with my members and suffer the consequences later. Someone else will surely come along and clean up my mess for me. What about the internal battles that no one knows about. The fight I have with self worth, self esteem, and my foolish pride. What about the battle of, am I really loved? Am I good enough? Or can I really believe that I am someone who makes a difference and matters? Am i truly lovable and does forgiveness really work? What is true and what is the truth. Man, I struggle. I find it is easier to retreat in a battle, separate myself from people and live life alone in a little cave. Can all this be true? What will it take for me to believe it. A good old Gibb’s slap to the back of the head. If you knew how much I pray and how hard it is to keep fighting off the lies day after day. At times it invades my sleep and there are night mares about my failures. It is a wonder that I am even upright.
In the end we know what side lost the Civil War. There were many factors that contributed to the lose. Superior forces and supplies. An interesting fact to me is that both sides pursued God and believed that He was on their side. I don’t think God takes sides. In the end I believe God won. it took a while but there was forgiveness and men were able to each other as brothers. In my own battles God will also win. I keep praying and surrendering. People are quick to give advice and wonder why I keep degrading myself. To tell the truth, i wonder also. I look at what i do wrong more than what i do right. I fear that people judge my actions and highlight my failures in their mind. There has always been a lack of encouragement. It is easier to hide, than walk around feeling judged. Probably no on is watching. So I slowly withdrawal and see it as some form of retreating. There are times I just want to quit. I know that some one out there needs me and probably loves me, if I would let them. At time, it feels like it is just too easy to be hurt. It is a life with your guard up all the time. I have been emotional beat up before. I walk around with this fear of abandonment or I am on eggshell’s and the other shoe is going to drop. I want to believe that I am that good, but I also want to remain humble. I have posted and thought highly of myself only to see that shot down in a ball of flames.
So we get up each more, and pray for a good day. There will always be something to trip you up and throw you off track. Sometimes it is other people and sometimes it is life. It is all in how you handle it. You can either let it make you better or make you bitter. At the end of the day my dog is happy to see me and wiggles his butt so hard i think his tail is going to fall off. You I have a loving wife who thinks of ways to keep me from getting hurt because she wants to keep me around for a little while longer. After last year, we would like to have a good year. So for now I will keep wearing my Rebel hat and keep fighting the good fight. Graham always says a good fight is one that you do not lose. God wants someone like me around, so I will keep fighting. Hopefully there are more victories ahead than losses. There are people out there who need a constant barrage of encouragement. Don’t be afraid to give them a full assault. I know I will take all i can get, pout it on until I believe it. With God, we are winning…..
Joe's Garage Logic 