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Bottled up….Again


Sometimes it really does feel like, “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. It feels like every time I turn around what I do is wrong. I can’t please anyone. How could I even please God?  It seems like every choice I make is the wrong one. At times I feel like I just want to give up. I try to hard to please someone and then end up disappointing another. I can’t go on always trying to make every one else happy and slowly find myself wasting away inside. When I was a child, it did not seem like I could do any thing right. Every choice was the wrong one. Now as an adult it seems I am still carrying that one around.  It makes me wonder if I really do anything right. I will probably be standing before the guy at the pearly gates and he will say that all my choices weren’t pleasing to him. I am beginning to think that I don’t make anyone happy. Not even myself.  Can I do anything right?

Some days my work can be stressful. When people don’t get what they want, when they want it, they sure can chew your ass over the phone. All i can do is just sit there and take it. You try to be sympathetic and helpful, but that is not what they want to hear. All they care about is themselves. They don’t see that some one else worded their paperwork wrong, or there is five hundred other people on a waiting list before them. They want to just make you feel like crap. All I can do is listen and forgive. If people only understood how their actions and words affected other people’s hearts. How their self esteem is bruised. Why would they even care in the first place. They just don’t want to hear  the how’s and whys. Understandable, maybe.  Hurtful, yes. Helpful, no. It just feeds into my introvertedness and I withdrawal even more.

I wonder if I can ever make any one happy. Then comes my relationship with God. I feel like I fail Him miserably. Every choice i make  i must surely be getting closer to having a one way ticket to hell.  Sure there is grace, but does that still give me the right to make wrong choices. Then I wonder is this sin, or that sin, and who am i to even decide what is sin and what is not. I see that everyone else is good at deciding that for me. Can I swear or can’t i? Just for example. What if I am just trying to do the best I can? How can I feel like God is pleased with me, when I feel like every thing else I do is wrong. Then when something does go my way, I feel like I don’t deserve it. Life is full of choices. It seems like every one I make is wrong.  Then there is so much advice out there, how do you know which one to take.  What a dilemma life can be.

So here I am at times walking around in doubt. A life full of questions and uncertainty. If mistakes make you wiser, I should be a genius by now. well not really. Things don’t usually go as I planned. I have wondered how i Have even made it this far. Don’t let this fool you, I do love God and I know He loves me. That’s about all I got. I’ll go to bed soon, try to sleep, get up tomorrow and try again.

 

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I need a stunt double…


It has been an interesting twelve weeks since that day. I look pretty tough here. I am truly thankful to be alive. I have all my body parts and I can walk upright. I can still think and can take care of myself. I am still stiff and sore, but I manage. I have a lot to be thankful for. I must be, I have said it twice in less than two minutes. Life is truly good. Where do you go from here, i ask myself quite often. What do you do with each day?  I watch people go by all day long, in their misery and pain, unable to see life farther than their nose. Grumbling about everything that they can find fault in. Blaming some one else for their problems. I feel sorry for them. I am grateful for the little things, fresh coffee, being able to breath, a home to live in, the ability to chose for myself. I sit behind a desk now, I am thankful to have a job. Some nights my sleep is not as good as others, but I do have a bed.I do get another chance to try to sleep another night. What do we really have to complain about?

In reality I do have a stunt double. His name is Jesus. He took my place for a lot worse outcome than wrecking my bike. He took my place on the cross so that I might have eternal life. So that I may have heaven on earth. So that I may come boldly to the throne of grace. So that I may walk in victory. Well it wasn’t Him laying in that hospital bed, but the miracle is how fast I have been healing.  Here i am cheering Him on,,,Go God Go…I still feel twinges in my neck, shoulders and head.  I think they  are there just to remind me that God is not done with me yet. I will take whatever i can get. My prayer life has been short and to the point. I have switched smoking for walking and get out there every morning. I enjoy the beauty of the sunrise. I think the dog likes it too. We both are walking the neighborhood.

I think about my accident a lot, my time in the hospital, my recovery at home. I probably talk about it too much. Show off my wounds and talk about recovery. One doctor told me i was traumatized. Whatever that means, I think I just got a huge boo boo and went to the hospital, come home and got bored and wanted to go back to work. Life, doesn’t it just happen, and not the way you planned sometimes. How you handle it is a key thing. If I didn’t have a relationship with Papa, I think I would be a pretty bitter person. You know as I look back over the twenty four year walk with Him, I am a different guy. Change comes, just not at the pace you want it to. As far as what’s ahead, God knows and I am okay with that. I think He told my wife no more motorcycles though. Whenever I am asked if I will I ride again, I say maybe, but she speaks a bigger no. I enjoy the freedom that comes with riding, the wind in your hair, well what I have left. The alone time with your thoughts, the focus of the open road, and the occasional cracking of the throttle to eighty. the adrenaline rush  on a cool crisp morning, to the refreshing of an evening breeze. It’s all good, maybe it is time to move on.

Move on to what, I say to myself. That has been my haunting question. I am limited to what I can do now. No big projects in the garage, and I have had a hard time focusing on reading. Nothing has really peaked my curiosity. I hate to say it, but I have been focused on me lately. Internal thinking and healing. It just must be that season. I am really not to talented else where. It will all work out in time. God is not pushing me into anything, He knows. He does not have any delusions with me. I am sure what’s coming is going to be grand. With all the dreams that I have had about building, I am sure that’s what is going on right now. I just don’t have a clue to what He is building, or what is on the other side of the mountain. I am okay with that, I am enjoying life, one day at a time. There really is a lot to enjoy, if you take the time to take a look around. Keep smiling…..

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Baa…..


And the men who hold high places, Must be the ones who start, To mold a new reality, Closer to the heart…Geddy Lee.   If I were to really sit down to you and describe my strong points, I wouldn’t know where to start. I am really not an expert at anything. I know a little bit about rock and roll and that’s about it. I have a guitar, but can’t play it that good. Hardly at all. That doesn’t make me a musician. I do not have that drive anymore. I know some chords, but can not make the music. Knowing that I can’t succeed makes me feel like a failure. That’s okay, I realized that I am not really an expert at anything. I probably know just enough to get by. It seems like we all want to know just enough to impress someone else. To be honest with you, i don’t know shit. I don’t mean it in some derogatory why, like i’m the village idiot. I mean that I just really don’t know.

I feel like I am on the edge, I don’t know if that is good or not. It is more like on the outside looking in. Let’s take my spiritual walk as of lately. Sure, I know a lot of scripture off the top of my head. I have read some of the same stories over and over, almost to the point of memorizing them, but that doesn’t make me a super christian. In fact it bothers me when people tag me in some big prayer post, thinking that I am. I hate being held hostage in some group post or text. I always don’t know how to respond. I have to confess that I don’t always pray. I just kind of look at God and shrug my shoulders, I just don’t know what to say to Him. Right now I am just trying to figure out my own life. I really don’t have no strong suit. In the mix of all the aches and pains and healing going on. But who cares. It seems to me we are all just going through life, arguing about politics and whatever else grabs our attention. I am just sit back and watching it all go by. Not really forming an opinion about any of it. I am trapped in my little mind, hoping that I might still have a little spot reserved for me in heaven. Wondering if i can have a little bench in the corner to sit on as I watch all those great witnesses parade before me. I feel like I am on the edge of a great valley overlooking a vast opening and I’m whispering my prayers that no one can hear.

I am the one who would leave the ninety-nine just to see what it is like on the other side of the mountain. Maybe just to see if someone would come looking for me.  These are the days where I feel like I am the one who moved. Where is that fire I once held in my eyes. I don’t think I can find my way back to that little boy who once was in awe of God. Maybe I am on a new trail, exploring and hoping I will find my answer here in a new wilderness. Sounds good anyway. I am sure God understands. I am learning a new job, healing my body, finding out new limitations. Maybe there is grace in all that. Well until I find my way, I will just keep plugging along. I’ll be the one in the shadows, trying to figure it all out. Don’t give me any advice, because I will probably weigh it, judge it, and throw it away. Advice is what I don’t need. After all, I am a curious introvert. If you can’t figure out what I need, then I would question my walk with God also.  I really don’t know if this is a rant or just an explosion of my thinking. I woke up at 4 am with my mind running in a thousand directions. I was kind of pissed off about a few things, but also curious about a few others. I was most concerned about my walk with Papa. Where is the more, the love, the abundance? What am i even doing, I thought? In the mix of aches in pains in trying to roll over, I realized that it is there and today is a new day to explore those possibilities. He has never left me. I just am exploring new territory and it is just unfamiliar and that’s okay. I ma going boldly into some where I have never been before. I am not really in a rut, but a place of growth and healing. All is good and right where it is supposed to be.

 

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Whip it,,,,Whip it good.


I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me…..Kiss….Ha, I remember when that song was new. i think I bought the 45, and it was a top forty hit. Now I feel old because they use music I like to entice me to buy something. Commercials are over rated as far as i am concerned. Buy, buy, buy,,,,that’s what this world is all about. Well it seems like that to me. Show me the money. I felt like I was on a role and i have lost my gas. I don’t feel much like blogging anymore. I have good ideas and they vanish. I think to myself, who am I, and what have I got to say that will make a difference. Who really reads this stuff anyway. I could go on and on about some mindless chatter like a commercial during your favorite show. You can’t wait for it to get over and back to your regularly scheduled programming.  My thinking hasn’t been so good lately anyway. I have been focused on my own problems. The healing and all that is wrapped up in that bundle of joy. I have to recommend not having an accident. The pain is just not worth it.

On a more positive note, God is still invading my head while I sleep. Reassuring me that He is doing all the rebuilding. My sleep can be a tossing and turning one, but my dreams can be very real. The other night I had three dreams in a row about building me a new house. Every dream picked up where the last one left off when I would wake up. A new house was being built on the lot I own now. Each dream was bigger and better than the last one. There were rope bridges in the back yard, the garage was huge and there was a fire place in the den. The walls weren’t painted yet and the house wasn’t finished yet. I knew the carpenter that was working on it and He was a friend of mine. That was one dream that stood out in my head. What it means, I don’t know. I have to believe it has something to do with the changes and healing going on.

My healing has been going pretty good, I have to believe that having a sense of humor has a lot to do with it. A positive outlook can make all the difference. Even though my walk with God has seemed distant, He is always faithful. A bunch of short prayers is all I muster up as of late. No big spiritual readings or anything like that. Just thankfulness and a little joy can go along way. Sometimes I tend to vent a little frustration here and there, but I have been keeping to myself . I don’t think anyone listens anyway. When I observe society, it makes me kind of sick. Good thing my hope isn’t in people. What does it matter what I think anyway. Some one will read this and blow it all out of proportion and think i have some big spiritual problem and think of ways to try to fix me. I am not broken, they just don’t understand. I think my motives have been more understood than anything. When I don’t explain my motives, that just makes it worse. Some things are just between me and Papa. Have a problem with that, talk to the management. It was His idea.

So I have been on a rash of silliness. I love to laugh and post funny things. It helps. There are some that try to be so serious that it is hilarious. Come on, no one is that wise. Even the guys in the bible made mistakes. There was a time not to long ago where I wanted to be seen as some wise guy, like I knew what I was talking about. Then one night laying in the hospital bed I realized that I don’t know anything. I was actually OK with that. I don’t have to know it all or pretend that I do. Who do you really have to impress. I already have people who love me. I know I can’t fool Jesus, so what’s the point.  To me there is something to be said when Jesus made a whip and kicked all those yahoos out of His Father’s house. I would rather be a fool in the kingdom than one of those guys. I am sure those guys He kicked out thought they were doing the right thing. The probably felt like they too were trying to help the people get their life squared away with God. Most good pharisees think they know what’s best for others. Oops, did I just say that. Well if the robe fits….Don’t take it personally, It’s not my job to judge you. In fact, I wouldn’t want that job. I am still trying to figure out what is sin and what isn’t and who am I to decide what is and what is not. What if the ten commandments are just promises you get when you keep your eyes on the Lord. What if our whole way of thinking about God is a man made generational thing that keeps getting stretched farther and farther from the truth. Just thinking out loud here. All I know is that it takes God to love God, and I love God, so He must be in me. God created all things. He has a plan and sometimes He clues me in, and sometimes He doesn’t. He loves me with a passion that I could never duplicate and it works for me. He is my friend and I am in.

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Not everything is planned….


People come, people go,,,Some grow young, some grow cold…..Tom Petty.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes, Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older, Time may change me, But I can’t trace time, I said that time may change me, But I can’t trace time…..David Bowie.

With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day. God isn’t late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn’t want anyone lost. He’s giving everyone space and time to change….2 Peter 3:8-9. Message.

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you….Romans 12:1-2…The Message

I have often thought about change and what it looks like. Not that I want to be some one different than who God wants me to be, but to be more the man that god wants me to be.  I don’t know how to get there. There are no formulas or hoops to jump through. No road maps, or sign posts giving you directions. Yet it is something I have wanted for a long time. Something different inside. I cannot explain it.

So I am laying there, in the gravel, with my head on some woman’s lap. She is applying pressure to my head wound, which eventually would require a bunch of stitching. I am looking at the ground and think, what kind of mess have I gotten myself into now. Some how I take a step back in my spirit  to do a little assessment of the situation, and a couple of things come to mind. The first is, this will be a good time to quit smoking. The second is a quiet voice telling me that I am going to be a changed man because of this. Well the hustle and bustle of paramedics and helicopters and the next thing you know, I am at an emergency room and don’t give it another thought. After a day or two of some slipping in and out of a dream world and reality, I think of this again. Did I imagine this, or was it part of some drug induced dream state that i was in? I kept this thought to myself for quite awhile, pondering it, hoping that I heard right.

A couple of weeks go by and a friend from Canada sends me a gift. Writes a card, to me that was more important than the gift. She confirms what has been hidden away in my mind. She says,”God says, He will not be the same after this fall”. In a good way. The a few days later, a co-worker says the same thing to me. She was at the accident and knew I was going to be a different man. Not because of the physical things that happened. Sure right now I am a physical mess, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I am alive. My wife told me the other day that she was glad that she didn’t have to plant me six foot under. Made me cry a little. I can hardly wait to see what God has in store for each day. I have a new position at work, due to my getting older and my physical limitations.  So change is happening. I am very blessed to have my eyes opened a little. Even though I crashed, my fire has not gone out. What does the future hold? Who knows? God knows and I am sure He has a plan. I enjoy a good mystery. Thanks to all those who have prayed and continue too, I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

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It’s hard some days……


So, here we are, another glorious day outside. My wife and I are sitting inside and just enjoying the time to rest and recuperate.  I am at a point were i am finding it hard to trust and be patient. The mountain that is ahead looks almost over whelming. Like it could crush us. Almost fall on top of us and ruin us in so many ways. I have been praying that it won’t.  Sometimes i wonder if things come in life to stretch your faith?  You tend to wonder where to I go from here?  I often think of a saying that Graham Cooke says,”God allows in His wisdom, what He could easily prevent by His power.”  So I find myself asking why?  Why me, Why now? What is the purpose of this? What is going on?  Why wasn’t this prevented? Now I am faced with this great cost and hope that God has a plan. I can’t do it on my own.  I find myself thinking that if He could feed five thousand plus with a loaves and some fish, He should be able to help with this finial strain. What if He doesn’t? Does that make me a bad follower? When I ask for help, is He gonna give me a snake? Not that I really deserve anything, but I am in His family. To be honest, I am scared. I hate it when there is a discouraging spirit over our household and you could cut the tension with a knife.

The Lord is faithful and compassionate. He is full of love and hasn’t turned away from me or my house. Some days I just need help seeing it. I am thankful for all we have. Also we have survived all that we have been through and we will get through this. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. When you are going through the muck and mire, it is hard to see the end. If you want to pray, then pray for our hearts and our spirits. Pray for some positives. Pray for financial blessings. Pray that we would come out of this better than we went in. Pray that we would be good stewards of what He has given. That we would have wisdom and understanding. Pray that we would be at peace, that the enemy would be bound. that he could not come between Carol and myself. That our love between us would grow. That in no way would we let this burden drag us down. We appreciate all prayers, no matter how big or small.  To quote one of my favorite guys, Rich Mullins, “Well, sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all, When the mountains look so big, And my faith just seems so small,  So hold me Jesus, Cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, Won’t You be my Prince of Peace,”……

Give us all strength Lord,

Here is a link if you feel led to help.  gofundme.com/28uqqjbg/share/gfm/fb_d_5_q

We are hoping to see God move. May God bless you.

 

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He is Awesome….


You can either live your life as a victim or you can get off your fanny perpendicular and do something about it. This morning when I woke up, as every morning, I have a waiting sensation of aches and pains to just sit up. I guess it is just a part of healing. I kind of dread it. I won’t let it define who I am tho. I have to push it aside and force myself to get up and get moving. Well, i have to use the bathroom first, but it is a good motivator. Then I know a fresh cup of coffee awaits me. This morning tho, I tried something different. While I was walking the dog in this nice 59 degree weather, I decided to mow lawn. I thought if I can sit in a chair all day, I could prop myself in my rider and mow. It was actually quite satisfying to do something productive. I secretly think my wife was happy too. While I was riding the mower, I was thinking that my accident doesn’t define who I am. I could easily sit back on the other side of my computer and say poor pitiful me. My broken bones and and giant flesh wound in my side is not who I am. It’s just a phase in life that I am going through. I am sure there is many purposes that I am learning along the way.

I wonder how many people are waiting for someone to come along and help them? When I first got home, Carol had to help me do everything. From taking a shower, to getting dressed. I am sure she was getting very tired helping me with the smallest things that we take for granted everyday. The same thing is true with your walk with God. It is fine to have someone help you along the way, but eventually you have to take your faith out for a spin and see what kind of favor you have. You are responsible for your walk. You need to seek His face and listen to Him talk to you. Sure it is nice to get a word here or there, but hearing for yourself is even better. You are only going to grow as far as the effort you are putting into the relationship. If you are just willing to settle for salvation, then that’s all you are going to get. There is so much more in God waiting for you. There was no way that I was just going to settle for salvation. The hunger and drive to want more is within me. Just like I don’t want my injuries to hold me back. I can choose to get better. I can choose a deeper relationship with God. I could not just settle for the one day Sunday sort of relationship. So I took my favor out for a drive.

I found the He is incredibly faithful, an awesome listener and loves me very much. He has the funniest sense of humor that I have ever heard. He cares for me very much. He likes to share His passions with you and share in what matters to you. He has never left me. When I make mistakes, He is not there to ride my case about it, but to show me what grace and forgiveness looks like. When He speaks to me, it is not in a condemning judgmental way. A loving compassionate voice. He has given me more than I deserve. So much to be thankful for. He invades my dreams with hope and purpose. He always has a sunny outlook on my life. He never worries. He has this incredible ability to tease me into wanting more. Leaves me satisfied for a moment then hungry for more. He sees something special in me that i cannot describe. He can command an obedience in such a loving way, that you won’t find peace until you follow through with what He has asked you to do. I could go on and on, but I am afraid that I would run out of words that would do this justice.

So if you find yourself anxious, worried, frustrated or afraid, just remember we are loved by the one true great creator of all. He has had a plan for you since day one. He knows the outcome of every situation you find yourself in. Turn to Him and tell Him about it. Share your fear with Him. Who else understands like He does. He knows better how to handle it. He has unlimited resources. Sometimes I wish He would move a little faster. But all my worries are in good hands with Jesus. I will be healed, and whole again. As far as riding, that is a whole new story. I have been thinking about taking up kayaking. Then I could fish at the same time. Whatever I choose, God is always there with me.

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Just venting……maybe…..


Does it really pay to complain about anything anymore? I was recently given the opportunity to participate in a wild goose chase yesterday. I ran from pharmacy to pharmacy to try and get a prescription filled. It was getting very frustrating stop after stop. The first stop was not very helpful. If the guy had to get out from behind the counter to help you, it must have been like agony to him. All he could do was point. He really didn’t give a crap. The next stop was a little more cheerful, it looked a little more promising. She got out from behind her counter and helped us find some of what we needed but not all of what we needed. So she referred us to some one else. The next stop the gal at the desk i think was secretly rejoicing that she couldn’t help us at all. So on to the fourth stop. They did not have everything I needed, but was willing to make some phone calls to help us find it. So we got what we could and went to the fifth stop. After calling the doctor she was able to get me the right prescription and we waited fifteen minutes and got the right stuff. Two hours of running around. Loads of frustration, and we finally get home. It makes me really wonder what’s going on in this world. I was going to write a nasty letter to the first place but i realized that I would be no better than them. Right away I thought of,”you reap what you sow”. so I quickly dismissed that idea.

Since I have been on my unplanned extended vacation, I have taken more time to observe what is going on. I have seen some really helpful people who have restored some of my hope in humanity. I have seen some that really reek of selfish ambition. I have seen plenty of those who don’t have a clue and worry about what is in it for them, regardless if it costs some one else. If there is truly anyone who needs God, it is we the  people here in the United states.  I am not saying we all have become a bunch a big bottomed, loud-mouthed, Monday morning quarterbacks. Yet there are quite a few out there. We need to be saved from ourselves. Then we bite into the crap we hear in the television. Gun owners seem to be the bad guys here in America. I don’t know what to believe from the two that are running for president. Why should I have to choose from the lesser of two evils all the time. Is there anyone who is not corrupt? Who will stand up for us ordinary people. We have had two religions fighting each other for thousands of years, why now days would things be any different. What side are you going to choose?

To me there is but one obvious choice. I am casting my vote for Jesus. After all, He was here when He had this great plan that started with this rock hurtling through space. He decided to put us humans on it, gave us freewill and decided to love us despite all the horrible choices we would make. Knew exactly how we would choose to spend our days. What makes us tick inside. He knew those would would say yes, who would choose life. Those who would mess up and need His grace. Those who would love regardless of what’s going wrong. He created us all in His image. So some where deep inside of each and everyone of us there is goodness. A light that hasn’t and can not be blown out. There is a life and a hope. They enemy, as much as he tries, can’t blow out that eternal flame.  You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do more than your mind will allow you to think. Your imagination cannot hold you back. You were created for so much more than you are allowing yourself to walk into. You have the ability to love, and to help.  My recovery is still going to take me a month or so. I have lost twenty-five pounds tho. I think a lot of it has been muscle and my beer gut. I am more than a survivor of some accident. My hope is in God, that He will put all this right some day. I know He is doing it in my life. You just need to choose to let Him.

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. This is the crisis we’re in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won’t come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is.”John 3:16-21…The Message

clouds

I really don’t know clouds…..


Sleep, I think i have done more than normal lately. My dream world is spilling into reality and I have to stop and think , was that real, or did i dream it? After having a motorcycle accident a couple of weeks ago, sleep has been my friend. It’s that getting out of the bed that is difficult. Now I am in the recovery stage. A broken clavicle, four broken ribs,a bruised lung,  a fractured neck and a wound vac, constantly pumping in the back ground, life is still good. I had a dozen stitches in my head and walk with a cane for awhile. It seems in my last blog I was just whining about how boring life can be, almost mundane. I should have seen this coming. Regardless tho, life is still good. I haven’t stopped to ask God, “why” has this happened. I don’t think that question will ever get answered. The big question that I have been asking is, “Where do we go from here”. Sure some good has come out of all this. I quit smoking. In the mix of all the dreams, God has told me He is building something in me and for me. I don’t know what, It’s like some big surprise.  I have been getting paid from work and my job is still there. I am just on a unplanned vacation. I have actually felt  genuine concern for my well being from people that I least expected it from. I have even had friends come over that I thought our friendship went the way of the wind and vanished. It actually picked up where we last left off. I love when that happens.

So now we are at the stage where the bills start coming in. Helicopter rides are not cheap. I didn’t even get to see the scenery. Then a nine day hospital stay. I have to admit that I had some of the best nursing care ever. It was refreshing to see a genuine concern for my well being. They went the extra mile and even enjoyed my company and the ribbing I would give them. I think in the time they were caring for me, I got to encourage them and speak some solid truth into their lives. Some encouragement that they needed to hear for themselves. It was actually fun. Don’t let anyone fool you though, hospital food is very blah. The coffee the nurses brought me was pretty good though.

Now I sit home and relax. I have a lot of road rash scars that are healing. That I also try not to scratch. Oh by the way, the dog likes to eat scabs. I just thought I would throw that out there in case you were eating something. I have time to read know, just A tough time typing. Today it the first real go at it. I have a home health nurse that comes in tree times a week to change my wound vac.The best way to describe it is having your hair waxed and ripped off. They have to change the sponge inside the wound. The good news is that it is getting smaller every week. I have had plenty of time to pray and I am pretty excited about what lies ahead. I feel like this accident has helped me turn a corner into something more positive in life. I look at things different. A relaxed view point you could say. My family has been a blessing this whole time, from picking up my bike, to being at the hospital, to getting me a strawberry smoothie. Carol has gone the extra mile to getting me things I need to helping me shower. I think I wore here out. She even mowed the lawn and weed whacked. To be honest with you, I really did not realize i was cared for that much, until my accident. I truly felt loved again. I hope it can keep going and that I am able to show it back. I have felt truly blessed by all this. I will heal and life will get back to normal, whatever that is, but i think I will look at it and the people in it a little different than before. Looking at life from God’s perspective is way better than anything I could imagine.

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To be or Not to be……


My mind is a complete blank this morning. I don’t know where to begin. Another morning of sipping coffee and enjoying the cool air coming through the windows. I love this time of year. Warm during the day and cool in the evenings. You can sit outside with a cold beer and watch the sunset with no bugs buzzing in your ear. What if this was what life is really just about. Enjoying what’s around you. What God has given you. What lot He has prepared for you. It seems like people are always striving for more, better, the new and improved. When do we really stop and be thankful? This past week was an interesting one. From fighting off some sickness to have a dream every night about building. Every night I was dreaming about building something. From new footings and the basement to building a house. I find myself consumed in the thoughts of what does all this mean. I searched every verse in the bible about building. Is God building something in my life, or am I too build something? So many questions and who knows what the right answer is? So off to pray I go, but still no answer. So I just wait.

I  was thinking about life and how I was kind of complaining to God about how boring and mundane it is for me. I get up, drink coffee, go to work and deal with the same thing and then come home and eat, go to bed and wake up and do it again. Well there is a little variation from day to day. I really don’t have any social interaction with people anymore. Sure I deal with patients on the phone or with the deliveries I make, but as soon as i hit that drive home, I forget. I get home and crawl into myself and hide. Anyway I found myself talking to God about my life, and He said that it’s all good. The plans I have for you are coming. He said that He knows deep down that I actually like it and on the surface He sees me complaining and knows that it is false. Sometimes I think that what I want isn’t what God wants for me. So I have started to change my thought process and really looking at what I have and how I have chosen to live. There is where I find contentment. I have been bucking God, or kicking the goads for so long I have lost sight of myself. Striving for things that I really don’t want. Plot twist.

I at one time wanted to be known, have a successful blog, have a lot of friends and be successful. Now I realize that it doesn’t really matter. It just makes life complicated. Then there is the need to preform and meet others expectations and try to fulfill their illusions of what you should be. Then frustration sets in and it ends up just being a worthless path that you shouldn’t even go down. Sure I believe in doing a good job at work, but at the end of the day it is never enough. More bricks and less straw comes to mind. God still thinks the same of me. He knows me. I am His friend. God created me in a wonderful way. I have been fighting my true nature and tried to be something that I am not. I am an introvert by nature, I have discovered. I have tried to not be and that just doesn’t work. It’s like a cow trying to be a horse. Have you ever tried to milk a horse? It’s utterly ridiculous.   I just want to be the man that God created me to be. It doesn’t work to try and be someone I am not.

As cool as it sounds, we all can’t be preachers, prophets and evangelists.  Some of us are helpers, prayer warriors,  and healers. Which is just as cool. There is no gift greater than the other. It doesn’t matter if you are up front, or sitting in the back. You are important. We all have our area of expertise. Embrace that and operate out of that gifting. I had dreams of becoming a famous writer after I started blogging. I no longer feel that way. I just want to be the guy that God wants me to be. To quote a Rush song, “Living in a fish eye lens, Caught in the camera eye,  I have no heart to lie, I can’t pretend a stranger, Is a long-awaited friend, All the world’s indeed a stage And we are merely players, Performers and portrayers, Each another’s audience, Outside the gilded cage, Living in the limelight, The universal dream, For those who wish to seem, Those who wish to be”. They took a little bit from William Shakespeare here, but I am sure He doesn’t mind. To me it is just saying how people want to be the up front guy, it’s all about them. Pretending strangers are our friends. And so on.

If you have ever watched the Rich Mullin’s story, you will see a man who struggled with relationship. He was a man who had a passion for God. I really admire Him and His music. There are only a few men I admire like that. Graham Cooke is another one. I always wanted to be like Graham, but I see that is not my calling. I have listened to Him since I was a baby christian. In fact I think I listened to Him way to much. It almost became like an idol to me. I haven’t listened for a while now. I didn’t want Him to take the place of God in my life. I still need Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Sure at times God speaks to me through Him, but also God has spoken to me through things that Christians would call secular. It’s not always about the latest book, or the latest worship song. It is about being with Him. Please let God out of that box that you have put Him in. I have heard God more outside the church walls than inside them.  Does it really matter what others think? If I want to sit outside and drink my coffee, and have a smoke,in my bathrobe, should it matter?  No, I don’t think so. A lot of rambling here and jumping all over, but I hope you get the point. I don’t want to try to be something I am not and just be God’s man.