I didn’t believe that people cared.
so I wouldn’t let them
i pushed them away
i hid away
i dug that hole deeper and deeper
i believed the lie
i fell so far down
i wouldn’t give anyone a chance
when it seemed to real i pushed
hey you got to hide your love away
it’s okay to take a chance
someone’s knocking at the door
someone’s ringing a bell
do me a favor and let them in
it’s okay to take a chance
you will survive
everybody has to love somebody sometime
don’t be so hard on yourself
you have a lot of love that you need to share
take a chance
deep down we are all afraid that we are not lovable
lies lies lies
your faults are not who you are
you’re gonna make mistakes
take a chance, take a chance on me
take a hold of my hand
we’ll do this together
it’s not to late
you’re not too old
I have always been there, even when you wanted to run away with yourself
you are special to me
i created you and i want you
i have never rejected you
i will never leave you
you are beloved in whom i am well pleased
you have persevered more
you are running a good race
you are loved and you can do it
you can come out into the sonshine
let’s have a good day and smile you cannot be defeated
People are people so why should it be,,,,You and I should get along so awfully
So we’re different colours,,,,And we’re different creeds
And different people have different needs,,,,It’s obvious you hate me
Though I’ve done nothing wrong……I never even met you
So what could I have done…..Depeche Mode….
What a weird world we are living in. Spinning through space on this ball of dirt. My day started off with a, well it’s Monday, and after an hour at work, i had people nagging me, in an unhappy mood, about something that happened over six months ago. Nothing that I could take care of, and nothing that was of my doing, but i am the brunt of their rage. Then it just escalated from there. One after another. Is there some holiday that I am not aware of? Chew out customer service people day? I am not aware of such a day. One after another, and if they are not calling they are coming in to chew me out, live. My goodness, how did we evolve into such a society? During the middle of the day I had this thought. I could become like them, or I could let it go and choose to smile.
The only person I can really control is myself. I can choose to become an instant ass or just let it go. People are not really going to change. They will always be demanding and needy. They want what they want and they want it now. There is no patience anymore. I wonder what goes through people’s heads. You can tell the difference between generations on how they treat others. The older are polite and helpful, the the next is a little worse and the next is a little worse and so on. Then you get to where everyone once you to do it for them. Get my paperwork, get my supplies, get my notes, do it for me because that is what you get paid to do. It’s your job and i want my stuff yesterday.
At times I wonder where I am with God. I feel like a lost child in need of some validation at times. Am i good?, Do I need to move left, or right. Am i having a good day, or am I having a bad day. Where am I?. Then something happens and the shoe is on the other foot, not the broken one either. I had an appointment but my physical therapist went home sick, so i show up at my appointed time not knowing what was going on. I sat there maybe twenty minutes when the receptionist asks me who i was there to see. She got all apologetic and said she was sorry about a hundred times, offered me a gift card and she really felt bad. I said that it was okay and i was not mad at all. I told her that it was all good, she thanked me over and over and said that she wished everyone was as gracious as i was. I explained to her what I did and that I understood how she felt and how we need to have a good thing happen to us for a change. She smiled and agreed. So I hobbled back to the car and went back to work. I knew that His Spirit is still inside me. God will never leave you or forsake you.
We all need to have good days and think about others feel. I guess being an introvert I think about feelings more. How people feel, or hurting their feelings. I think respecting and caring how others feel is important. I think we should all be in good moods. Don’t let your heart get hard, and there is always joy in the morning. Every morning is the start of a new day, only you can choose how to walk in it. No one can make you angry, or crabby, or piss you off, that is your choice to live there. I understand when you don’t feel good and are in pain, but that is not who you are. I am not my broken foot and the pain that comes along with it. I am Joseph, and i am trying to be a child of God. I probably miss it more than I make it. My Angles are probably face palming their selves and begging God to help me get it right. There is always something that can put joy on your face, look for it you will find it. Keep smiling, you can do it. There is so much to be thankful for. There is still a lot of goodness left out there,seek and you will find, look and you will see it. It is not as bad as it seems. God is still on the throne.
Anxiety, it happens. Sometimes social media can bring it on for me. Some may not get it, but I have gone as far as skipping aisles at the grocery store to avoid small talk. Sometimes social interaction can be awkward and draining. If I was a bear I would hibernate.
Yet here I am, answering the phone and doing customer service. It is not a path I would have chosen in life. You fine tune, learn how to block things out, and move on. You constantly pay attention to details and see what needs to be done and fight the urge to say something and let others learn the hard way. You wonder why should you care, try to play it off, but deep inside you want the right thing to be done. It is the small details that get overlooked that bug me the most. Ten more feet and you could have put the garbage in the dumpster, instead of the 50 gallon garbage can for someone else too dump.
You could have taken care of those junk cars long ago, or that camper you bought sits in your front yard, it hasn’t moved in a year. You keep throwing your garbage on the ground hoping someone else will pick it up. Or you throw out corn cobs to feed the squirrels and there is corn growing all over the neighborhood and every time I mow there are corn cobs shooting out and I hope they don’t cause any damage. All I do is get pissed and stuff it inside.
I stuff a lot of crap inside me. I feel like when i do let it out, it just sounds like complaining and nothing will change. Venting more or less. I feel that no one cares and no one listens. We all have stuff that bugs us, Are we supposed to pretend that it is okay to take shit from some one. If you complain you are labeled a trouble maker. If you voice your opinion it falls on deaf ears. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am the problem. It seems like most of the time I am the one who is made to feel like I am the one to blame. Whatever happened to love others as you love yourself. I am beginning to see that this only applies to certain people. The meek shall inherit the earth.
What do I know, I have been beat up and have had more broken bones over the last two years than most people have in a life time. Maybe it is the pain talking. I have been pushing myself pretty hard you know. I am stubborn and determined. That is a dangerous combination for an introvert like myself. I might over think a situation or two. I might see a better or happier outcome. Instead most times I just keep my mouth shut and shake my head and wonder if there is hope for humanity.
So one day this guy comes along and everyone wants to see Him. Zacchaeus hides up in a tree, the tax collector. You know that he has probably defrauded a person or two in his day. Jesus says come down here and I am having dinner at your house tonight, and immediately he says to Jesus and I quote, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” Jesus did not say anything to him and things changed. I can only imagine.
Many years ago the Lord called me. I am hoping that by a continual walk with Him that things around me have changed. He made such a difference in my life, that I hope it spills on to the atmosphere around me. I don’t always make wise choices, and i tend to chose what I want, and I am sure that i have had doubts and fears. I have my struggles and question my faith quite often, i often question why He would even love me, even why anyone would at times. I am in need of constant reassurance and encouraging, at times i am not sure if i will even make it through the day, yet He has always been patient with me, waiting for me, knowing I will fall but get right back up. Knowing that I will get it right one time out of a hundred. Seeing me fail, but knowing I will never quit. He has probably helped me more than I will ever know. He has never taken His eyes off me and loves me without a fault. That is what Zacchaeus saw when he looked into Jesus’s eyes. He saw the goodness and the compassion, he saw what he wanted all along and that is what prompted the change of heart. It was what was missing in Zacchaeus’s life and it could only be fulfilled with Jesus.
I think we all have a longing in our heart, but we may be afraid to acknowledge it or pursue it. Jesus came to break the shackles that are holding us back. You are so much more than your work, or your hobby, or what ever else is standing in your way. Even my introversion is an obstacle. I want to be so much more than I am now, but I am holding my own self out of fear of the unknown. At times i don’t even know what I want, I know there has to be more to this than what i am doing know. There are times though that make it all worth while. Those are the days when I look back and know that this is the day when Jesus tells me to come out of that cave, you and I are hanging out together and I will help you get through this day.
I asked my wife if i will ever be normal again? I had to rephrase that and say walk normal again. I had to wonder what is normal after she asked me if I was ever normal. What may seem normal to me may be weird to you. Are any of us normal? Who set the bar on what normal is? Were they just as quirky as the rest of us. I am afraid that i am becoming dyslexic. switching numbers around and letters. Is that normal? Me, I like it quiet in the morning. What I am saying is we all see things in a different way. We all have different perceptions on how things should go, and most of the time we all think that we are right. Sometimes we are right,,,,but what if you’re not. How do you handle that? What if you are misjudged, or you motives are not clear? What if the way I read something and the way you read something is complete opposite? Who’s wrong and who is right? We all have different ideas on how life should be.
We all make mistakes and misjudge somethings in life. If you think you don’t, you just have. No one has all the answers. I personally am tired of making mistakes. I feel that I am constantly criticizing myself and looking at what I did wrong, or I am afraid I did something wrong. Why is it that our first response is, what did i do wrong. I think i am afraid of some form of punishment. You filled out that report wrong, or you forgot to do something, or you didn’t do it the way i wanted you to do. Go stand in the corner until i figure out what to do with you. Always in fear that someone will see my faults and find me unlovable. It hurts. Just waiting for another ass chewing that will tear down my self esteem and make me feel worthless again. I think that i am hardest on myself and that needs to stop. It’s okay to make mistakes. No matter what anybody says. You should not be punished for learning.
In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. He knew what He was doing and He knew He wanted someone like you on this planet. In this place and time, He thought of you. He knew your quirks and thoughts. He knew the choices you would make and how many times you would fall on your face. He knew how many times He would have to pick you up and brush you off and He would do it all with a smile, Most of all He knew your heart. That deep down there would be a seed of love that would need to be nurtured into growth. That would have to be watered and cared for and coaxed out of hiding. He knew that you would need solid ground, a firm foundation to stand on. You would need life and a chance to grow. He knew that you would need salvation. You would need to be saved from the wickedness that seems to be around every corner.
So He sent some guy by the name of Jesus. People thought He was weird and did things that weren’t normal. Yet people followed Him by the thousands. They flocked to hear what He had to say. People follow Him whole heatedly. Who else has the words of life? Who else makes your heart burn with love from within. Who else loves you like He does. He looks at my quirks and weirdness and calls it character. He calls me unique and special. He sees in me what others do not. He found me worthy. I don’t know what others find me as. I can be a very stubborn person who will not give up and push it to the limit. Such as walking without my boot on, or my crutches. I will do things that I shouldn’t be doing. I am not a quitter. I will try harder than most to get better. Where there is a will, there is a way. I can do all things in Christ Jesus. There is no deadlines with Jesus. There is process, and that process is meant to be enjoyed.
I don’t know about you, but there are some days I really question things. Like, Am i still loving God, even though i haven’t had a conversation with Him in a coupe of weeks. Am I really doing the right thing, do You still hear my prayers, why do I have so many issues and am I still Your favorite? I started questioning my faith, doubt and fears start to over whelm me. I begin to question everything, am i doing a good job, is there something wrong with me and why does it seem like everything happens to me all the time? These questions plague my mind. Am i going nuts, all aboard, the next train to the funny farm is leaving on track three in ten minutes, don’t forget to pack your straight jacket. It seems like every where you turn people are giving advice, you should do this or try that, maybe you need more of this or less of that. Advice is flying from every direction and you wonder how it got so complicated in the first place. Who or what do you believe? Where does it end? Silly me…..
I know some people are helpful and they try, but i have to confess that i don’t bite on every hook that goes by. I have walls up and a guard up. I just have a hard time trusting. I can with draw pretty easy, and that’s where i am at today. My club foot and I are just hanging out. Someday i will be healed and in the meantime i am learning to be a patient. Most of the time i think i worry about what others think and wonder what God thinks. You would think that it doesn’t matter what others think, but deep down it does. Am i likable, lovable, is there someone who really cares? So you try to grab onto some crumb that might give your heart a boost and hope that you can make it through another day. Maybe the next nugget will give me the boost of confidence that i need to put a smile on my face. Then you turn around and there is another disappointment waiting around the corner and you feel the next sigh going out of your body and you think, when will it end.
Then i think about all the promises that I can remember that God has shown me. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will never stop loving me. He will never stop caring or meeting my needs. He is a good Father and likes to take care of me. I am His friend and He takes great joy in me. He has always helped me go down every hard road that I have traveled on. What you may see as troubles, God shows me more. A learning experience, or just another chance to show me love. Although i am beat up and bruised, and have my share of scars, God loves a mess like myself. If you don’t know it by now, God cares. So it has been sixty some days that i have had to have my new friends the crutches with me. I found out last week that the doctors and nurses are impressed with the progress i have made in my recovery. I have to Give the credit to God, if it wasn’t for Him, i am sure it would be much worse. They said this is the worse break they have seen and they are amazed at the recovery. So His goodness still prevails, and for that I am truly thankful. There is still more to come, but I am thankful for every day and a new opportunity.
What tomorrow brings is a bonus. You find ways to overcome and adapt. There is no quitting, you can always find another way to beat them. God will never give up on you. You can make it through anything. If anything my life can attest to that. God is for you, it may not always look like that, but He is. You may feel like you have been thrown into a closet and beat up, but it is part of the growing up process. I wonder about those who haven’t?
You cannot run and hide from the presence of the Lord. He invades my dreams and gives me a raise. He is with me where ever i go. I don’t always see His plan, or have a faintest idea of what the outcome will be in any situation. I have no choice but to trust. In His infinite wisdom and relentless love for me, He cares. I may have worries for tomorrow, but He says to just enjoy today. He can breathe life into my weary old bones and put a smile on my face even when no one knows what I am grinning about. He let’s me dream big and yet cares about even the smallest details. Nothing can escape His sight. There is nothing happening without His knowing. He has worked out every detail. Yet I still worry, have doubts and wonder. There is comfort in His love, and at times I forget to run into His waiting arms. I just want to be held by Him and know everything is going to be just fine. A peace that will wash away all my doubts. I want to be comforted like i have never been comforted before. Touch my heart and make me whole again. I just don’t want to wander through life and not be satisfied by the Love of God. I do not want the ordinary anymore. I feel that there is something that I have missed out on my whole life, and i don’t want to miss out any more.
Things take time, bones will heal, pain will subside and tears will be wiped away. The love of God will always be there. From one mess to the next He is helping you grow in life. He loves your messes, it is good fertile ground to help you build character. At times I feel like my whole life is a mess. One disaster after another. One hardship blurring into the next. There is more to the Book of Job, than you can imagine. At times to me it is so surreal. In a nut shell, there is always some one who tries to give you advice, or what they think is a word from God. I have to confess I have a hard time believing some of those words. In the words of Jimmy Buffet, “Wasted away again in Margaritaville Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt. Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
But I know, it’s my own damn fault.” Most of the time i feel like it is my fault. Is everyone’s life like this? Things are always a constant battle? It has been so long, I don’t even remember when something went in my favor.
Then there was this one day. A man took my place. He was spit on, taunted, ridiculed, beaten, whipped and put on a cross. Hung in display of all those who mocked Him. All those who could not understand what was going on in the moment. Yet my Lord took all this, so that I may have life, salvation, a hope. He was thinking of all of us at that moment. He did it out of love. He did it knowing that I would have days like this. That I needed a savior. He gave of Himself that I might have life and joy. That I may know what Love is and to share it with others, That I might see compassion and be able to pass it on. That I may have a hope and a future. That I may have a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone. That I may have today and so much to be thankful for. That I may have somewhere to cast fear and anxiety onto, because they do not belong to me. His Spirit is in us and it is winning.
I am just tired. Tired of aching all the time, hurting all the time.
I am tired of asking why, the question never gets answered.
I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault.
I am tired of feeling like i am to blame.
I am tired of trying to meet others expectations.
I am tired of misinterpreting others comments and feeling like i did something wrong.
I am tired of one sided friendships.
I am tired of stress.
I am tired of being unhappy.
I am tired of doing someone else’s work.
i am tired of giving and giving.
I am tired of feeling like i am a burden.
I am tired of being impatient.
I am tired of looking for a ray of sunshine.
I am tired of advice.
I am tired of false hope.
I am tired of phony people.
I am tired of expectations.
I am tired of feeling like i am just barely hanging on.
I am tired of the pain and anguish.
I am tired of sadness.
I am tired of loneliness.
Most of all i am just tired. I was happy once and then reality set in, work, bills, and so on. I did not ask for this, but know i have it and it is the worse. Being introverted does not help. I am tired of living in my head. I think my heart is empty and all i hear is the wind whipping down an empty corridor. Who will help me, who will set me free? I long to go home to a place where none of this exists. As on earth as it is in heaven, when does this happen? Nobody knows, i can wear my mask with the best of them.
Somewhere deep down inside i am crying out to God, in a voice that only He can hear.
I am thankful for salvation.
Write, or not to write, what what what. There can be so many ideas floating through my head, i don’t know where to turn. It is beautiful almost fifty degree weather, the sun is out, Suns out Guns out, so my friend and her son would say. I love it. For those who are out of the loop, flex your arms. Show those cannons. You got muscles. I had skinny arms until i started working construction, laying blocks and pouring concrete. that will give you some muscles. I have laid down many foundations in my day. Now I am old and getting wore out. Nobody wants to work hard anymore.
I am tired of having this broken ankle, asking for help, i really don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I am afraid that i will be a giant pain in the ass to someone. Asking for help is a stretch for me. I am used to doing things on my own. There are sometimes that you have to ask for help. I hate asking because i am afraid of what some one might think of me. Or feel like no one really wants to help me anyway,,,i’m a burden. How do you shake that? I even wonder that about God, does He know that I am here. Are You listening? Can you hear me,,,,Hello it’s me again, I have another problem. Can you fix this, or just please help me,,,,again. Some days I wonder if I even exist. I said to my wife that I thought we were going to have a good year. Then this happens? Hello God,,,,it’s me again,,,a good year? Is this part of the plan? Why wasn’t I clued in? Oh the consider it pure joy thing, It takes every ounce of my being sometimes. I would cry out for rescue, but i am sure you would just say, never the less, and have patience and wait and see. I have made you, you belong to Me and I have it all under control. ,,,,,,Uffda,,,Lord.
So you keep on trying, looking for a ray of sunshine around every corner. Hoping and praying that i can make it through another day. No one knows your pains r your struggles. you just try to put on a happy face and try and push through it. I am thinking to myself, how many other people struggle to just get out of bed each day? Fumble through life, hoping no one notices my faults, and have a hard time believing that someone cares. Have seen enough phony to know when something is not real, and knows when someone is just putting on a show. How many are hurting deep down inside and afraid of just letting their guard down, or a touch, a warm smile, or a helping hand. We don’t know what some one else is going through, and they don’t know how afraid we are to just show a little vulnerability. What show a sign of weakness in front of someone else? Surely must be joking, I am a mighty man of God. I am not and stop calling me surely. In weakness and vulnerability there is strength. You overcome something and tear down walls that you took a lifetime to build.
We have grown up in a society that is afraid. Afraid to let someone see my soft side, my nice side. It is OK to say i am sorry, or i was wrong. I do not have all the answers. I am just tired of carrying burdens that were probably made up in my own mind. Like so nice luggage that probably looked good when it was new, now looks like some tattered rags that i still entertain in the deep crevices of my mind. I think to myself, why is this even an issue anymore, only to dismiss it for a while. Then a pick it up like it is some new shiny penny and feed it more lies so it grows as big as it once was. Rinse and repeat. She’ll be coming around the mountain when she comes, over and over until someday I stop and say enough, Lord help me out of this rut that I have put myself in. Heck, i couldn’t read a sign if it slapped me in the face and declared what is was and why, I would look for a sign to verify that sign. Lord, show me again, three or for time because i am afraid to commit. It is funny that any of us are even sane at all.
Yet day after day I rely on the Lord. I can’t remember what life was like without Him. Maybe it was a different kind of chaos. Now it seems like chaos with a purpose where i am perplexed, but I know I am loved. I turn to Him in prayer, but at times wonder what the outcome will be. God doesn’t wave some magic wand and abracadabra, everything is fixed. There is always process, and journey. I have come to far to expect anything different than insecurity in what God is doing, to only find there is security in Him. There is no pattern, formula, or predicted outcome. There is only faith. He will never leave or forsake, abandon, of unlove you. He will never give up, or crush you. All He does is care, He has you best interest in mind, and He always has a plan. At times it is hard to believe and you wonder what He is up to, because He is always up to something. In the end all I really have is faith, hope and trust. In reality, He making me and breaking me. He is doing it all out of love.
Outside my window there is a fresh fall of snow. Everything covered in a fresh coating of white. It came down in a furious rage , carried by a howling wind. The trees were whipping back and forth, and you could barely see across the street. It’s depths kept growing, inch after inch in a few hours. That wet heavy stuff that clung to the window, making it hard to see. We sat here in our chairs, broken foot up on pillows, wondering if we would make it to the hospital the next day. It took me back to a time were we would judge how bad the snow was by if we could see the lights of the town that was a mile and a half away. A time where life was much simpler, when the power would go out for three days and you would read books and play board games to pass the time away. I don’t remember what year it was, but it was exciting. I think I read three or four “Little House on the Prairie” books in a three day period. Now that was a snowstorm.
Life was different then. A simpler time, well maybe not for a teenager who was trying to find who he was in life. My days were filled with spinning my records on my record player and trying to fumble my way through school. Trying to fit in and realizing that i was not one of the cool kids. The endless barrage of teasing and ridiculing would drive me deeper and deeper into my own pit of despair. It is a wonder that anyone even survives high school. Kids are mean, and can be very cruel. You can’t say or do anything, you get nobody listens, and so and so who never do that, he’s such a good child, his parents are good citizens of this town. So you stuff it and stuff it and you cannot wait to get out of this one horse town. You are labeled, and a Steely Dan song goes through your mind, “And I’m never going back To my old school”. It has been thirty-five years since i have graduated, and I still don’t have nothing to do with my classmates. Maybe i burnt that bridge a long time ago and i am too old to rebuild it. I just don’t know why i would want to go there anyway.
I started writing this with the intent of bashing Hollywood. For the life of me, I can’t remember why. They are just actors and actresses who think they can make a political point, am I any different? Hey, I just want to be heard too. Can I make a change, or make a difference in the world? Do I sound like one of those kids who try to bully someone else into my own way of thinking? I have the right to have my voice heard, just like it is my right to drive, own a gun and worship Jesus. These are rights, not privileges. Listen to me on my political soap box. There will always be someone who disagrees with you and thinks that they have a better idea than you do. In the end it will probably not matter. It seems that the same political arguments have been going on for thousands of years. The faces have just changed that is all. There is only one savior, and he goes by the name of Jesus Christ. There will be a day when every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.
As for the record, who am I? I am broken bone man, or the guy who keeps writing blogs that probably only three people read, man. It is too much work to be Batman anymore. I stare out my windows and I am curious to what my neighbors are up too. I am thankful for those who come and move my snow. It takes a lot of pressure off this household. So in reality i am Captain Thankful Man, able to see areas to be thankful in a single bound, can send a thankful prayer off to God faster than a speeding bullet. Oh I crack myself up. There is much to be thankful for. I go back to work in a few days, it is nice to be off, but it is also nice to do something other than surf the world wide web and watch the idiot box, be a slave to my dog, feed me, and let me outside. There will be a day where i will miss being off and you have to battle the stress of all the village idiots that will be unthankful and in demand for what they think they are entitled too. Who feel you are not moving fast enough to please their appetite. I think there is going to be a new level of peace at work, because of who I travel with. Greater is He that is in me, than who is in the world.