2 Corinthians 3:17

I was tired of being told who i should be, how i should be. Trying to be molded into someone’s vision of what i should be. Being told how to act, what to say, how to think, Being put on a scale and judged on a curve with my peers.  Just wanting to explore life on my own, discovery, an adventure on what life is like. Not to be put into some box and to conform to what others say or do or think. A chance to walk in the freedom that is in my mind and in my heart. In a world where it is okay to make mistakes without being punished. How i have such hatred for being controlled and manipulated. I have played long enough and have the wisdom to see through the charades. There is no freedom in being controlled and manipulated. When freewill is taken away, there is no freedom. we are all broken in one way or another. when you try to control out of your own brokenness you make it much worse. Rebellion sets in.

So one day Jesus, God, and The Holy Spirit are sitting around and they knew that the world they would create would turn into chaos. And So they devised a plan to redeem the world. They knew that they could not force their creation to love them, so they gave freewill. a choice. First we rebelled and fought and chose our own way, thinking we knew what was best. Keeping what we thought we needed and refusing what God knew we needed. Day by day we made it worse. Sort of a form of running away, which in my mind was the answer that i thought was best, and probably still do to this day. Where would i go, how far could i get, how will i survive on .53 cents. I hated it, i just wanted to run into the arms of someone who loved me. The turmoil that went through my mind was terrible, weighing the risk against the punishment was exciting. Meanwhile Jesus is waiting in the wings, ever watching knowing that His time would come, when he would come knocking. Let’s let this boy run his course, he says to one of his angels, he will need to learn and make a choice later on. You see it is all about choice. When the time was right, i wanted God and he came in. He didn’t force his way in, i invited him in. He came in and life was grand. Until i started going deeper and it felt like i was thrown into a closet and beaten up. That is where you learn and grow up in Christ, and you realize that his comfort is soothing and loving.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5

Yet everyday i feel like someone is trying to burden you. Do it this way or do it that way, i know what is best for you, buy this, eat that, look like this, don’t do that, everyone is a telemarketer on how you should live your life. Conform to this world and you will be happy. That’s just the opposite of what Jesus says. There are many pharisees out there. Many do as i say, not as i do people. I have been guilty of that.

“For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.” Romans 8

“I am referring to the other person’s conscience, not yours. For why is my freedom being judged by another’s conscience?” 1 Corinthians 10:29
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

Where the Lord is that is where the freedom is, that is where i want to stand. God is in my heart and nothing can take that away. Being with God has got to be the biggest adventure i have been on. I may be wasting away on the outside, the world inside my heart and in my mind is vibrant and alive. No one can take that away. The battle is real and only in Christ Jesus can it be won. Keep winning……

 

I’ve always been mad, I know I’ve been mad, Like the most of us, very hard to explain why you’re mad, Even if you’re not mad…

Joe's Garage Logic

And the men who hold high places,,,Must be the ones who start….To mold a new reality…..Closer to the heart …RUSH

Who are are leaders now days? Who is willing to stand up and fight, to say enough is enough? Who has a fight still in them? It is time to stand up and say it. God isn’t going to fight all your battles. The battle field is horrific, there is till evil out there. Who is going to get up and say, “I am as mad as hell and i’m not going to take it anymore.”

What are willing to take on? God has equipped you with what you need. He is looking for those who are willing to stand up for injustices. Pick something and pray. There are a million different things to take on, from abortion to whatever. It is time to be down going to a church…

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The Night before Christmas, my way

Twas the night of Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring and this year i trapped thirteen mouse.

We started the year with a full house of co workers and ended with two,  the work piled on, i did not know what to do.

Frustration and stress came with a shout, i searched the want ads trying to get out.

I plowed through each day hoping to survive, i wondered if i would get out alive.

Crabby people coming in the store and calling on the phone, being an introvert, i just wanted to be alone.

My mask is leaking and my cpap is broke, they thought they were going to die and this was no joke.

They would use guilt and shame to get their own way, fear and intimidation was the game they would play.

I would try different things to keep me from going insane, their constant nagging was racking my brain, all i could hear was the way the would complain.

Being on call and running from town to town, my tooth was broken and would i need a crown?

I would talk to my wife and she would hear what i would say, little did i know that she would secretly pray.

I turned to Jesus, where else can you go, to my delight the light started to show.

Sure it was hard and the enemy would fight, i felt like i was losing my might.

I would worship Him at work when it got tough, then i realized that was not enough.

I would stir at night wide awake and feel like i am in a fight, i would cry out to Jesus to help me through the night.

Peace would come at the dawn of the day, i would drink my coffee, talk to God and be on my way.

Joy would soon come and i was going to be happy, no longer were my days going to be crappy.

I would get going to work worshiping all along the way, that i was thankful to God to have another day.

I want to be happy and have a big smile, I knew joy would come in a while.

Troubles will come and troubles will go, in them God’s power will show.

Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kind, it is your learning and teaching that God has in mind.

God allows in his wisdom what he can prevent by his power, His grace and mercy will shine in your greatest hour.

Lessons were learned and boundaries were laid, I am here because of the price Jesus paid.

I am God’s treasure that he loves so dear, The only thing He asks that I would keep Him near.

When i get to heaven i will finally see, a special place that Jesus has prepared for me.

Jesus is my friend and He wants you to know, that you are very important to him and how he loves you so……

introverts

Introvert, what a concept. Avoiding small talk, inspecting the aisles at the store, hoping to avoid people that we might know. Battling anxiety and stress around every corner. Playing scenarios of conversations that may never happen in my mind over and over and over. Dreaming up wild things in my mind of problems that will never happen.  Making plans and then regretting them later. Replaying the bad things that i have gone through over and over in my head, maybe hoping for a different outcome or possibly a clue to why it went that way. Shame and guilt attacking from every angle trying to make me more miserable. Listening to the same songs over and over until i can’t take it anymore. Or the constant beeping noise from a forklift backing up can set me over the edge and having your wife trying to talk you down because she knows that this drives you crazy. Striving for perfection when you know it will never happen and disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Looking for clues to who we are in books, music, and television or movies. Going through life wondering what our purpose is who we are and what the heck is going on. Our minds ever racing with thoughts details and moments that no one else takes the time to see. Looking for people to cling to who we hope understands and rejecting them when they don’t. looking for those who love us and not believing those who say they do. Seeing if the actions fit the motive. people say a lot, but watch what they do and how they do it. People say one thing but do another and when i catch them at it, hold that memory in you mind until next time. Always look for encouragement and affirmation, always feeling like you are wrong or will never do well enough. these are all the things racing through your mind at the same time. always seeing and perceiving and wonder if you can trust. there things you commit to, throw yourself all in and hope you made the right choice.

Then one day some guy invites you to church, Jesus calls your name and you see and feel things that you cannot explain. the road is narrow and tough. At times it feels like God throws you in the closet and beats you up. Are you still going to follow me, can you endure, no one says it will be easy. You wonder if you did the right thing. did i really get my heart of stone change for a heart of flesh. there is a small spark, you trudge on, am i winning, it doesn’t feel like it, then there are set backs and struggles and accidents and things shift and you are still trying to praise God and look for meaning. You keep asking why, but it never gets answered. you just learn to trust. at times it is the hardest thing to do, you trust and it gets harder and harder. you wonder if it is really worth it. is this it for me? is this my life? i have come this far to deal with this. when there is an equation with people, plus their opinions plus the desires it equals disaster  for those on the receiving end. it just drives that introvert nail in deeper and deeper. I keep asking God why? I just end up feeling like Gideon, worshiping God in the middle of the enemies camp, but this time there is no prophecy of round loaves of bread. Yet we endure because he is greater in me than he that is in the world. I still don’t know who i am or what my purpose is. I don’t know why i struggle or why i have anxiety, they just seem like they are always there. if i could have them surgically removed i would. I don’t think that people understand what it is like to be introverted. we are not lepers. there are social things that i do enjoy doing. i do appreciate one on one conversations, deep ones at that. i have to recharge sometimes. when it is quiet and i am alone, that works for me. God wired me like this for a reason, He needed someone like me on this earth for a reason, and i guess it is okay if i don’t find out until the end. i am fine………

Basic instructions before leaving Earth…..

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son….John 3. Just believe, sometimes i struggle with this and have to ask God to help me with my unbelief. it is easy to doubt, but at times hard to believe.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible…Hebrews 11. Ah yes faith, God has everything under control, He allows in his wisdom what he can easily prevent by his power. G Cooke.  what more can i say, he knows more about me than i even know about myself. He knows what is best, if i will take the time to listen. so have some faith, he knows what you are going to do and choose before you even do it. 

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins,  in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.  All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath,  But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”…Ephesians 2. I think i make this grace thing harder than it really should be. It is not freedom to sin, but a freedom to know that God loves you where you are at, you are not ever going to earn your way into heaven, you don’t get gold stars or merit badges, no trophies for being the best christian ever, you reward is eternal and it is Jesus. i know that i am his and he is mine. I will continue to make mistakes and screw up and have bad days, but the grace is tomorrow i get a chance to try again, a redo because God knows what a mess i am and the Holy Spirit loves it, because it is fertile ground to plant a good crop. 

Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.,,,”Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.  Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen….1 Timothy 1:15-17.    Once you have tasted grace and mercy, you cannot escape them, it will follow you all of your days. It is not what we deserve, but god who is compassionate , slow to anger and rich in love, can’t help but pour this into the very core of our being,

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you…..Colossians 3:13. Forgiveness, now that’s a tough one. we have been wronged, we want revenge, an eye for an eye and so on. it takes a big heart to ask for forgiveness and a bigger one to give it in love.  There is more freedom in forgiving than a person thinks.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. …1 Corinthians 13.  Why is love the hardest one. easy to give but yet hard to receive.   what a concept love is, love each other, your enemies, it keeps no track of right or wrongs, love God, love yourself. Take a chance, accept some love, give some love, why is it so hard to say i love you and just has hard to believe it? i think that it is thrown around so nonchalantly that it is not really believed. we sing about and hear about it but do we ever practice it, i am not that good at it.

so the basic instructions before leaving earth is,  believe, have faith,  grace and mercy, forgiveness and love. do the best you can with what you have and don’t be afraid to ask for more. practice practice practice. God will give you what you need and then some. sometimes in the least expected places and with the least expected people. Go on, you can do it, God has the utmost confidence in you, after all He is in you and all this is already in your heart, just waiting to come out, you hold the key.

 

 

Monday…….

I may look at life a little different than some. I often wonder what are your hopes, your dreams, your goals. What do you want to be when you grow up? Nobody takes time to talk about such things. We are in a hurry to get through are busy days. To get what we need and never giving a thought about the other guy. As life is passing me by, i think about the hopes and dreams i gave up on just to get this far. Now i feel like i am too old to have anymore. I don’t know what to do. i am happy to just have a good bowel movement and a good night sleep. Get through another day at work and go home. Life goes by fast. When i was younger i wanted to be a disc jockey, but that never happened. Life is what happened, i didn’t know what to do with my life. next thing you know a few wrong choices and the decision was made for you and you just hoped to get through another day. You carry  on that mentality for another thirty some years and you forget why you were in the race in the first place. I think the goal is to just be happy.

As i think about life and when you are gone, who will remember you exploits, or the things you did. The dreams you had or how you felt about life. your ambitions and desires will all fade away. I will just end up as a snapshot in someone’s photo album. maybe a smile on their face when they remember a little quirky thing about you. Do they even make photo albums anymore? Am i doing something with my life? When is it my turn, or did i miss my turn?  I don’t mean for this to sound like i am unhappy. I am responsible for my life. I am just wondering if i am doing it right. and what do you compare it too? Who really does have their life together? I am not saying that mine is falling apart. I just have a lot of questions, but i realize no one has the correct answers.  I find myself asking God all the time, but at times i do not hear. How am i doing? I think he just grins at me and nods his head. I don’t know to interpret that. Maybe the goal is to just get closer to God and let him take care of it.

Could it be that easy? to just love God and everything else will work out? To just keep your eyes on Jesus and pray through the rest on the mud and junk? I feel like i am in survivor mode all the time. Can i make through another day? I think people think i am some sort of a weirdo, so it easier to just hide away. What do people think these days? I am not sure, this world is not the same world that i grew up in. It’s like a line has been drawn and you have to choose what side you are going to be on. You don’t want this to be a hasty last minute decision. You gotta know. I think i have cast all my chips in on Jesus. Some days i question myself. I know a lot about him, but do i really know him. i ask him for a lot of help and he has always been faithful in that department. Daily i call on him for something. i hope he isn’t getting tired of me. i think i owe him a ton of favors. At times i wonder if he is sitting there and thinking, there’s old joe, asking me for help again, man does that guy ask for stuff. I guess i will have to help him again and again and again. As he looks over at my angel and asks if i will ever get it right. i really need Jesus tho, i don’t know how i even made it this far in life. to be honest with you, i really don’t have a clue about life.

So i will get up and try again tomorrow. Being happy is a choice and you can’t let others steal your joy, It’s like some people do not like the fact that you are happy and they are not. You are the one that is responsible for your own self. No one can make you happy or mad or sad. It is your choice how you will react. don’t wait for something to come a long and make you happy. be happy now. There is no magic wand to wave and things will change in an instant. you’ll get through another day, wake up and get to try again.

Romans 15:13        May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I want some more of that, that is my goal.

what is your goal, dream, passion. What do you think about life,

?

Wait for it……

Do good things come to those who wait? Why can’t i have it now? Hurry up and wait. The waiting is the hardest part. Are things really worth the wait? Patience, what a tough concept. Me I think i am always in a hurry, taking a short cut. The older i get the more i see that being patient pays off. Slow down, look at the details, Most of the time we are in a hurry to get no where fast. I always get a kick out of those that speed by you and at the next stop light there they are, waiting for you to catch up. I always end up in the wrong line at the store and if i switch lanes there is going to be something wrong with the line i switched to, then the line i got out of goes faster than the line i moved into. It took fifty five years to realize. what’s the rush. There will always be something to slow you down.

It took Moses forty years to get out of the wilderness, when they probably could have done it in half that time. something inside them needed to change before they crossed the Jordan.  When i was in school, i was always in a hurry to get done, as i look back i realized that i was probably sloppy and made a lot of mistakes. In a hurry to goof off. Being in a hurry doesn’t really pay off anyway. there is always one more thing to get done. Now i work a job where i have to stop and take my time, pay attention to details. It bothers me when i make mistakes and i seem to take it personally, like some character flaw that i think that i can fix. I have been practicing my patients and feel that it has been paying off. Don’t pray for me to have patience tho, I seem to get enough opportunities to practice everyday anyway. I think that what God wants and what i want seems to be two different things.

I am a man, i can change, if i have to. Red Green.,, maybe. Learning to wait is hard. We live in an instant, throw away, i want it now society. Instant gratification, everything is on demand, and we can pause it to go to the bathroom. Growth never happens fast enough for some and for me, i enjoy waiting for a flower to bloom, only for it to last a day or two and then it dies and we watch a new bud form and anticipate the next bloom. The joys of a hibiscus plant. But make me wait in a line full of people and there is a problem at the check out, anxiety becomes a reality and it will show on my face. Ask my wife , she knows it and has to tell me to calm down. Even though i have to practice being patient, i don’t think i will ever have it licked. I think stress and anxiety are the what you get when you don’t have peace and patience. Is it patient or patience, i am not always sure, i think i have come to far in writing this to go back and fix it. So be patience with me or i will become a mental patient.

exactly…..

When i first started blogging, i thought i had something to say. Then i realized i am just another whiner with a computer. I complain about work and people and my neighbors and think what kind of Christian am i? Do everything without arguing or complaining, well i failed that one. Maybe i am just getting old. I tend to take things out of context and screw up more than i can count with my fingers and toes. I am good at sabotaging relationships , and can run in my mind in a thousand directions. which way is up and aren’t relationships a two sided street. Yet me in my introversion can miss a good thing right in front of me. When I ask God for a sign, i pretty much need a couple of angels, a dream and a vision from God and four other forms of confirmation, and i still might have some doubt. Maybe i am just, gosh do i dare say it. Normal.  I thought by writing a blog i was really stepping into what i thought God wanted me to do, I had fantasy s of saving the world, spreading the gospel and making a difference and i think i only spread-ed peanut butter on my English muffin.

What a weird day for the beginning of the week. i find it interesting how people like to drag you into their problems and make your problem also. I am here to help, but you must also help yourself. I need to take care of my own needs once and a while.  Lord help me. At times i wonder and ask God, are we still okay? because i think i am the one who moved. I think about you often and pray once in a while, but i don’t have an excuse, i was off doing my thing and forgot. I can see the importance of being rooted and grounded but i am pulling up lame. you know i am still a little mad about the accident and the broken foot, i am still not handling that well. i think i am working through it though.  Things are getting a little better at work. if you must know. I don’t feel like i need therapy as much as i used to, or maybe it was others who need therapy and i am sane, i just don’t remember.

Everyday is a new day full of adventure. you never know what is lurking behind every corner, who is plotting and who is scheming, who is for you and has your best interest in mind. We just are thankful to get up every day. life it is short, one day you are eligible for the senior discount and aarp is flooding your mailbox. You go to bed early and thankful to make it through the day. There is plenty to smile about and you feel better on days the sun is out. Aches and pains follow me every day, but it is a good sign that i am alive.  We are just tired of red squirrels digging in our flower pots and dream of one day letting him know who the boss is with our Daisy Red Ryder. You know you’ll shoot your eye out with one of those things. If that is the worst battle that i have, life is pretty good. I think i create more battles in my mind that i actually engage in. Jesus came to give life and give it abundantly and that looks different to everyone. Actually for me that’s now, just being happy is life. Being happy and making others happy, isn’t that what life should be about. Putting on smiles. Being joyful, giggling and belly laughs, is laughter really the best medicine.

If you just make one person smile, i think you are winning, you are fighting the forces of evil. A smile creates a positive atmosphere,can change an attitude. anyone can be negative and degrading and a party pooper. have you ever seen a party pooper and what was the story behind that saying. You can change a whole room with just a smile. God is still in heaven and we have Jesus and two thirds of the angels. we are winning, and to be honest with you it is really not a fair fight. I have read the ending of the bible, i know who wins, actually i think Jesus won it all at the cross. Yet lines are being drawn and sides chosen in the country. left is attacking the right and we all have opinions on how things should be and what kind of world are we leaving for our kids. yet we can’t even get a long with our neighbors. As for me, I am just trusting God and I think He knows what He is doing. He has been at this a lot longer than i have been around. I am His. I forget this at times, but i am always reminded. God is so good, what can compare to Him. Things of this world may pass away, but when the dust clears, there will be the Father, sitting on His throne and grinning. Welcoming you home with open arms, and a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Bring out the fatted calf, my son has come home and we are going to feast.

 

can i get a do over?

From the moment i woke up I knew it was going to be one of those days. You know the type, if anything will go wrong it probably will. I kinda shrugged it off hoping that the feeling would pass. Showered and shaved, got dressed, drank coffee without spilling any and drove to work hassle free. I thought so far so good. I made it to the office. I had a lot on my plate and had a plan in mind to get something done. After all i did make a carrot cake the night before and had a fresh potato to back later on. A good lunch planned. As soon as i sat at my desk, i knew the jig was up. I was locked out of my computer. A good way to start my day, that meant a good half hour on the phone waiting for the help desk, before i could even dig into my piles of paperwork just waiting for me. I finally get through that endeavor and off to the next problem. I am surprised at how people cannot take care of their own needs anymore. I need this or i need that. Do this for me and do that for me. I can’t figure this out and no i did not read the directions, why should i do that, isn’t that why you are here. Then the next person can’t drive twenty minutes one way to have their machine checked, that is way to inconvenient for me to come that far. Or the next one, i lost my power cord, or my head is screwed on backwards, i try to help, i give and i give and at times it can be so exhausting. I do not know how much more i can give. it is more enduring than i can explain. But yet we go on.

Yet during the day there is some comic relief. I have a sign on the door that says,”This is not the license center”, which is a building down from us. Everyday there is at least one or two that come in and ask if we are the License center. We are a respiratory company, we do durable medical equipment. we handle oxygen and wheelchairs and stuff like that. It is a never ending demand. When you walk in the door there is that type of equipment for you to see. No eye chart or  machines to take your pictures. Another gentleman who i tried to help had a machine that broke down and had to complain about driving fifteen minutes one way to just have it checked, it such a long drive he said, i helped him and asked if he needed provisions to get home, i had some peppermint patties and reeses on the counter, his wife said they were good and had a full tank of gas so they thought they would make it fine. Then the phone rings one call after the next and another and another, sometimes i wonder how i get anything done. It can be a grueling pace. I think i forgot to use the rest room for an afternoon. Heck, i am lucky to even get through one cup of coffee during the day. The carrot cake was good, with cream cheese frosting, not as good as mother used to make though.

So it is a wonder we are not all crazy. I am not sure how Jesus did it feeding the five thousand and still had leftovers. That guy must have a lot of patience. i would have closed the door and shut off my phone and hoped they all would have disappeared while i hid in the basement. In reality we are doing better than we think we are. We have a lot to be thankful for and we are not dead yet. We still have reasons to be happy and things that put a smile on our faces. Life is not really that bad, it is just short. There is never enough time to do the things i want to do and when there is, there is never enough money, So we work to have the things we want in life, but there are some things that money can’t buy. Time is one that i think of the most. i never have enough for myself, to do what i want. To go where i want to go, see what i want to see. It can be an endless battle of give and take and i feel like i give more than i take. I hate to sound selfish, but i want someone to do something for me. Give me a call, pay me a visit, send me a nice note, encourage me, be a friend, none of those things don’t even cost anything.  Jesus took my place all those years ago and i still really can’t grasp that whole thing. I feel like i am always screwing it up or i feel like i am just taking advantage of grace. Well, he loves me and that has to count for something, i am doing the best i can down here with what i have got. Sometimes i feel like it all just on big mistake, and at times it is my fault.

Well maybe it’s not always, and i do get a chance to get up and try again tomorrow, hopefully, thanks for listening to me vent,,,,it’s good therapy for this old soul who will be ready for the senior discount in a week and a half.

Good times…..?

Do you remember a time when all was good? When people respected each other, helped each other and were kind? When you didn’t have to lock your doors, or you could leave your keys in the car without any fear. When you could trust people. Will we ever have those days back? when pop was a dime, a quarter could by a lot of candy and going to town was a big thing. When you had a dollar in your pocket and you felt rich and it would buy a lot. When you were content with three channels on TV, and on a good night you got four. Where you could listen to some good music on WLS  A M and you had to stay up late to hear it. Where you hide under the covers with the radio so low and stuck right into your ear. no wonder i can’t hear so good. A time where the candy bars were larger and tasted much better. Where there was no artificial ingredients and food tasted more natural. A time when you got a thrill of driving up and down the same street listening to the radio. A time when streaking was a fad and bell bottom jeans were in style. Life seemed so innocent and so far ahead of us. A time when AWA was what we looked forward to every Sunday and you had to wait a year for a hit movie to come onto television and they would cut out all the good parts. When being young and naive and innocent was okay. You had your whole life ahead of you and you couldn’t grow up fast enough.

Now you are older and you survived everything that was thrown at you and you wonder how you made it this far. You shop at a box store, along with everyone else. You try to eat healthy and work from eight to five and hope to make it home alive so you can hide for a few hours, hopefully sleep for 7 or 8 and get up to do it again. Nobody knows your name and talks to you, shop and get home. You go to work to try to get ahead, but they tax you to death and you hope to put enough away to someday retire, will i make it that long? Why do we put ourselves through the wringer? To have a house, food to eat or a truck to drive? day in and day out, make to the weekend only to see that Monday is right around the corner. Life goes by so fast and i stop to wonder,did i think about God today? I wonder who my friends are and am i doing this right. Why can’t i just trust without the fear of getting burned. I have put myself out there too many times and i just can’t stand the though of being used again. Maybe it’s in my head? I wonder if i even trust God at times, maybe he’s mad at me, or i didn’t repent, or i sinned and prayed and asked for forgiveness at the same time. Maybe i just messed up in the head and it is better to with drawl into my own little world, where it is safe. I have to admit, i do have trust issues and wonder why anyone would want to be friends with me in the first place. What is Love anyway, i can never really put my finger on it, i can never really describe it, and i am not sure if i am doing it right.

Regardless of all that, i still keep on trying, keep on writing, even though maybe two people read it. I just keep on trying, i keep placing my hope in God. I hope to get it right tomorrow, I get a new chance and a new opportunity every day. I am sure that God loves me, even though i don’t always feel like it. I just can’t give up. Yet we keep plugging away trying to recapture a time when time was so care free. Why can’t it be that way now? Pressure from the world on the left and on the right, do this, look like that, conform to these rules, be a good boy and don’t make waves. Then you have God, who overcame the world, who hung on a cross and said it is finished, who came so that i might have life and have it abundantly. Who came to set the captives free. who knew me since i was formed, the choices i would make and yet called me all those years ago. I can’t have fulfilled my purposes by now, i don’t think i have arrived yet, this can’t be all there is to it? I think i am missing something here, or making this way more complicated than it should be. Shouldn’t i be happier than this? More fulfilled? More something? Well i am just kind of venting here and tomorrow is a new day and we will see what God has in store, He is always with me, and if it’s another tough day, He will be there again.