What a drag it is getting old….not really

The chill is in the air. It’s that time where I wonder if I should turn on the furnace, or put on more clothes. I am not a big fan of being cold. Now with five months after my crash, my bones and body tell me that it is getting cold. It is a pain, but oddly enough I see it as a new adventure. What lies ahead. Not in a twilight zone kind of a way, but in an adventurous Narnia sort of way. I guess it is all in you perspectives.  I have been thinking about legacy lately.  What do we leave behind for our children. What will people remember most about me when I am gone.I had this thought out of the blue while walking the dog. I have been pondering it for days.  Some people write books or have a recorded music to be remembered by. I will be just one of the many of thousands that will be a distant memory or a snapshot in someones photo album. There are things that my own son doesn’t even know about, like my great grandpa. He doesn’t have a clue who he is, or that he worked for the railroad. He is just some guys pocket watch that i have know. In a couple of generations i won’t even be remembered. People move on with the here and now and forget about who was behind them. The generations before them. Distant memories of my weirdness will be all that remains.

No one will remember my accomplishments or failures. The things I can look back on and say,”I did that”. Such as taking down a 150 foot smoke stack, or how I built the most perfect elevator shaft in all of Red Wing. All the construction projects that are done. How i crawled around in the tunnels underneath the Pottery building. How I poured the flattest floors in a particular building. Or when I rode my motorcycle at a 125. The memories I had of going to sturgis and riding in the Colorado mountains. All the struggles of life that I had to overcome to just make it in life. We are living in a time where all are WW2 vets are almost gone and no one remembers what they went through. Now it is something that is just rewritten in history books. Who knows if it is even the truth anymore. I guess I just want to be remembered for something good. Not all the things that I did wrong in my younger years.

When I woke up this morning, as i have to literally pull myself out of bed, I was thinking to myself, I’m only fifty-two. That’s not that old. I feel like I am a hundred and two. I have so many more hopes and desires. I want to have grand kids. That is about all on my bucket list. I have done more than I can remember. I want to be remembered as a man of God. I want them to say that he really loved God and was loved by Him. I want people to know that when I get to heaven and will meet me. I hope to be the greeter. I don’t them to say that he sure knew his bible, I would like them to say that he sure knew the Lord. That is the kind of legacy i would like to leave. I am not done yet either, so don’t put a fork in me. My team hasn’t won a Superbowl yet. I have a lot of life left in my digits. I can still create and I have a sharp mind. I may have to find a new creative outlet, and I will. My days of building houses and remodeling buildings maybe done, but there are other areas I can accelerate in.  I just need to figure out that area.

Getting older is not the easiest thing I have done. Now the music I grew up with is considered oldies. I don’t give a crap about celebrity gossip. Heck I don’t even know who half of them are anymore. Staying up late is nine o’clock now. Every generation throws some one new up the pop charts and taking a nap is luxury.  Do people even play board games anymore? I still find it hard to read a book on my kindle, compared to actually having a paperback. I find myself looking at the younger generation and wondering if there is any hope, I am sure that my fore-fathers did the same thing when I was younger, listening to that rock n roll. Hopefully I will be remembered for all the good things I did and the way I helped others. The silliness that dwells within me. Most of all I hope I am remembered for the passion for Christ that I have carried with me. The flame that has flickered but never died. The days that I have see God’s faithfulness and the hard times that we have seen God’s provision. The freedom of being who I am in Christ Jesus.


If you only knew…..

So i woke up this morning after a fairly decent night of sleep. In my mind there is a whole different world than what is going on in the natural. A battle for what I perceive to be right or wrong. There is a battle against bitterness, a battle against resentment, loneliness and abandonment. A battle for the consequence of my choices or the consequence of the choices of others. The battle to keep myself from saying what I really think of others. The fight inside can be tremendous, excruciating, and very real. Sometimes so real that I feel like i can see the line where sanity will end. Then I have to find a way to stuff all that and put on my happy face and deal with people who don’t have a clue to what is running in the back ground of my mind. Good thing thought bubbles do not appear above my head.  The demands of others can be overwhelming, everyone looking for some sort of satisfaction that I cannot always  provide. When will it ever end?  Does anyone ever give without their fingers crossed behind their back? Where is this unconditional love that we should be pouring out on each other? Is it just a one way street. If people only knew the damage that they have and still do inflict on people. We all have to pretend to be nice to some one who doesn’t play by a set of rules that society uses to lord over us.

There are a few things that help me keep my sanity. The way I battle back is to be thankful to Jesus. After all that I feel that I have been through. Not just physical but emotional and psychological. Being a deep introvert, these things run deeper than you can imagine.  So Jesus helps me with my baggage, yet being the village idiot that I am, I keep picking it up and thinking it still belongs to me. Then I give it back and repeat the process. I think that every time I pick it up, it is getting a little lighter. The battle is still real though. If you you could try harder, suck it up, put on that mask and no one will know. I feel like screaming that you just don’t understand me. Who really listens anyway. I find it is easier to just push people away than try to explain. So I retreat even more. Put on a happy face..Jesus is the reason I keep it together. I would probably be dead if it wasn’t for Him in my life. I am going to heaven. Hopefully that will surprise a few people when I walk through those pearly gates. Why is there even gates? Are people looking to get out?

I have always have had a love for music. I can put on some head phones and tune out the world. I can retreat to that inner sanctum and disappear. Where there is freedom to let my thoughts run wild without any fear of judgement. Where Jesus and I can walk together and unpack all my baggage. We can sort through my dirty laundry and fix what needs mending. Where He can recharge my sanity batteries and I can get through another day. If you only knew. I have tried to forgive a thousand times, and Jesus tells me to forgive a thousand more. Where He helps me out of bed in the morning and encourages me to make it another day. He is my strength, my shield and my hiding place when those battles get to tough. There are some people out there that should be thankful I am walking with Christ.


What Is Life….

I’d love to change the world,,,But I don’t know what to do….So I’ll leave it up to you…Alvin Lee,,,Ten years after….

When I was a younger and stronger man, I always had a dream about changing the world, making a difference. Now I just sit back with my broken, sore older body and realize no one is really listening anymore. They are out chasing their own dreams, whether it be personal or political. Chasing their own fancies in life. Whether to dominate the world or just their corner of it. To make money and have power beyond their wildest dreams. Hoping that their candidate will win some election. To flirt with God just long enough to put a religious feather in their cap. To hear truth and twist it in some logical way to make it sound like lies. To take a lie and use it to control others, to sway people over to their side. The truth just doesn’t matter anymore. so we go on chasing whatever the wind blows into our general direction.

So here am I, sitting in my comfy chair expressing my thoughts. Writing a blog that only a handful will read.  Maybe that’s okay. Should I give up on trying to make  a difference? Should I quote a few well placed bible verses and hope that I may influence someone?  Maybe someone will see me as some spiritual guy? Am I just fooling myself?  I am not looking to become some spiritual guru. I have a hard enough time following Jesus on my own. I have to pull back and circle my own wagons from time to time. With all these people in the world that are hearing from God, maybe some of it is meant not to be shared. With social media I have been quick to share a dream or a message thinking that it is awesome. Maybe it was meant just for me. So I just sit in my own little corner here and stick in my thumb and pull out a plum.

Maybe I am confused, I thought we all had some form of freewill. Maybe I am imposing on yours right now. How can one person decide what is right or wrong for another. Heck I have a hard time choosing what shirt goes with what pants, when I get dressed for a job where I have to fight through  bureaucratic paperwork in order to get some one some medical equipment.  Then you get people who clearly live a weird lifestyle and they tell you to make wise choices, when I see that they clearly can not. There I go judging myself. What truly is right and wrong? If it goes against the ten commandments, is that wrong? What about where Jesus talks about everything being around Love God and love others. Who really has Godly advice anymore?  It seems that are whole moral attitude has just been thrown out the window. This isn’t my grandparents generation anymore. Then came the sixties, love and peace. Now that generation is trying to rule the world and the whole hippy thing left like bell bottom jeans.

So here am I. Born in a generation of peace and love and groovyness, where the music was cool, to a time where morals are left in the ditch dead and anything goes. We are a bunch floating through space arguing about abortion and politics.Protesting on the corner about what we think matters. Hoping to make the six o’clock news. I still hear that voice in the wilderness calling out to me, whispering and telling me that I am loved and significant, that I matter. While the world is trying to drown out that voice, or change the words, He is much bigger than the world. I do have a choice still. I can turn off the world and listen to Him. My freewill is to follow Him, the one who loves me just as I am. Who pours His love out on me in a way that is a casual softening, gradual, way. A way that you surrender and are willing to give up all that baggage that you have been carrying around since you were five. Those secret hurts and resentments. Those private moments where you wondered if this is as good as it gets. Those desires and dreams you had that were whisked away  without your consent. The cry of your heart that was killed for conformity reasons. Where your creativity was mistaken for rebelliousness and you were chastised. Where your voice was not heard and you were put down as an insignificant child, because you were not important and a mistake. So you fight and crawl your way through life trying to figure out what love is and see that the world has corrupted the thing that was created to be beautiful.

My dream is too live. Enjoy life, be free. I just don’t want to think I am free, but to know. This endless striving to please others, working your butt off for more stuff,  is a waste of time. Who am I trying to impress anyway?  To be honest with you, I really do not understand the concept of love. I will figure it out in heaven. I will keep trying while I am here on earth. I am thankful that God choose me to be on His side. I could be much worse than I am now. I guess there will always be those who say they love me and those who actually do. Jesus shows me…….


Just rambling again…….

If I were a king, and I had one hundred prophets, and ninety nine were always stroking my ego and telling me what I needed to hear, what good would it be? The ninety nine always telling me that I have favor and would win all these battles, that I can do anything because I have all this grace. Yet in the back, there is one who prophecies a different out come. Who says that I won’t win every battle, who doesn’t stroke my ego, and tells me what I really don’t want to hear. Deep done in my heart,  I know that this one is more right than the ninety nine. This one I have developed a friendship with, a bond. There is love and kindness in his words, even though they are not always what I want to hear. Eventually I will leave the ninety nine and be with the one who does more than just tell me what I want to hear. Every day I hear more and more truth in what the one tells me I hear freedom in what the one has to say. I no longer want my ego stroked. I am tired of words that are full of false hope and empty promises. I find myself longing to be with the one who brings life and death in his words.

This morning I had this dream. I was at this luxurious hotel. This was a pretty fancy place. It was also very huge with many nice homes on the grounds. I was put up in this huge house. I found out that I was to share it with another couple. They were a nice couple, but the husband was handicapped. They wanted to watch football and pray with me. In the prayer time I asked for a word from the Lord, but did not get it. They asked me what time the game was on and I said I had to go and get my phone and I would know. So I started to trudge back through this motel to where I was last seated. I walked past many people who were in a friendly type of relationship at some point in my life. They all ignored me. Pretended like I wasn’t even there. Some went as far as to take things from me that did not belong to them. I was hurt, but moved on back to the couple I was rooming with. Then I woke up.  It was weird, because in real life, each one of these people abandoned my friendship. As I look back, I feel kind of hurt. I thought I had something stronger than that with them. Maybe it was just for a season. I thought these guys were men of God when I first met them, and then I was left with nothing.

So now here I am, playing the introvert card and not letting anyone in anymore. People have ruined friendships for me. I find myself withdrawing even more as I get older. I see people’s BS and I get turned off. There are a lot of ego strokers out there who will say whatever you want to hear to get what they want. For many years I have been ponder a story in Luke 10,  “Just then a religion scholar stood up with a question to test Jesus. “Teacher, what do I need to do to get eternal life?” He answered, “What’s written in God’s Law? How do you interpret it?” He said, “That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself.” “Good answer!” said Jesus. “Do it and you’ll live.” Looking for a loophole, he asked, “And just how would you define ‘neighbor’?”  Jesus answered by telling a story. “There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers. They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead. Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man. “A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man’s condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I’ll pay you on my way back.’ “What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?” “The one who treated him kindly,” the religion scholar responded. Jesus said, “Go and do the same.””     Loving your neighbor and who is your neighbor. Some make it difficult and some make it easy. “Love your neighbor as you love yourself”. I often question how much do I love myself? I tend to know the ugly side of my life. I hate it. Maybe that is why I have a hard time loving others. Forgive yourself they say. I do, but memories are hard to shake.

I feel like I am the one who doesn’t fit in. For years I have tried to fit in, and realize that it was a lot of wasted effort. There are those who want you in their life and those who just want. I want the one who sees past all my faults, who allows my weirdness and deep thinking, and isn’t afraid to tell me when something isn’t quite kosher. I can be rough along the edges but my inner shell is sweet. Feel blessed when I have let you see it. There are many who should be thankful that my thoughts have not appeared in a bubble on top of my head. This too is also grace…..




I am not Joel, I am Joseph….

You know life can be quite interesting. In what I have seen, we live in a world where using people will get you ahead in life. Where people come and people go. Where deep down friendships seem to be a thing of the past. Where people lie to your face and hope to get away with it. Where the truth can be thrown out the window and replaced with some make shift lie that resembles the truth. Where facts are twisted to mirror the truth. I am not talking about elections either. I couldn’t really care about them. They are just a bunch of high priced ads that annoy me when I am trying to watch my favorite show. More crappola spread to look like one is better than the other. It really is nothing different. I see the same game spread through out life, from the top all the way to the bottom of the food chain. People have been using others to get ahead in life for years.  It seems that we live in a day and age where we worry about what others are doing, and how will it benefit me, or effect me. I have seen where others are used in order to make themselves look good. It is kind of sickening to me. Are people ever going to change. I have this strange problem of studying people. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I can’t help it.

I have a job where i have to interact with people. I have to hear their complaints and personal desires and wants all the time. Some are good and some are very demanding. People are controlling and manipulative to get what they want, and for free.  They will scheme and plot and feed you a line of crap and call you a liar when you expose the truth.  Then it keeps you awake at nights wondering if you said or did the right thing, or wrong thing. There are times, I must confess,  that I would like to give people a one way ticket to Hell and hope they never come back. There are more out there than you think. They just put on a good front to get what they want. I must admit that there are also genuine people out there too. That really do care for their loved ones and will do anything in their power to help. Who will go the extra mile to show their gratitude and help make your job easier. That make you appreciate your job and the effort that you put into it. Those are the ones who spur me on. That make me smile inside and feel like I did a good job.

I use the phone a lot at work, and many misunderstand me and think my name is Joel. I have to tell them it is like Christmas, no l. But I think that they don’t get it and still call me funny names, like Joe L, or some thing to that effect. So I have to start calling myself Joseph. It seems kind of acquired to me, and I am sure they don’t understand why I say it like this. I don’t know why I take it so personal, maybe it is because I just want to be recognized for being me. If you can not accept me for who I am, well then there isn’t much chance at a friendship. There will always be that mistrust that I cannot shake in the back of my mind.  It must be a part of my introvert nature.  If you have problems with the way I am wired, see the management, He created me. He must have something good in mind. He has plans for me, others don’t. When those plans are foiled by Him, I have to chuckle.

So Jesus comes along and walks in away with God that I have yet to see duplicated. I wonder what He would be like on Facebook, or even Twitter.  Would we try to interpret His words into our own meaning? Or bend them to fit our own meaning,to sell something or to get our point across to prove our point?  He probably wouldn’t have to many friends, or followers. There is something about His that way that He handled things that I really admire. His feathers never got ruffled. Sure He fashioned a whip and beat the money changers out of the temple, but was that really out of the ordinary?  Look at the way churches are going, is this what Christ meant when He said follow me? Sorry, I am just rambling here and probably making no sense. I think we will all be surprised when we get to Heaven.  I at times am afraid of God, Like a Holy fear. After all He is God and I am not. At times I often wonder about other people’s hearing from God and how it is relevant to now and today and what is to come.  How many different renditions of the Bible do we need, and who’s is correct?  How many books can be written about God and who’s is right. How many churches and religions be started. and who’s is right?  It boils down to relationship and how many people can say that they have one. Relationship with the trio has got to be the most important thing in life. It out does everything else in life. It doesn’t matter who is running for election, to who is going to the Superbowl. Without Jesus, you are just a bunch of hot wind frosting up in the winter air.

It is God that sets you up. or allows you to be broken. All of life is up to Him. What you have, what you achieve, what you prosper in. The ups and downs. The friends you have and the enemies you make. There is nothing you can do, but praise Him for all things.  The praise and admiration you get from mankind is but a moot point to the reward from God. You can either be a people pleaser. or a lover of God.or can not have two masters.  For me I will follow God. He has brought me this far with knowledge and a purpose. I will continue to follow and trust, no matter what the world may say. Where are the true followers, come out, you do not have to hide anymore…



It’s all good…..

A nice rain as Fall approaches us, here in Minnesota. The leaves are turning their familiar shades of yellow, red and orange. I love to watch the change of the seasons. Well except Winter. Cold and snow is all I think of then. The bundles of clothing, the shoveling, the warming up of cars. It will be dark when i go to work and dark when I come home. Right around the corner will be Spring, waiting to make it’s grand arrival. Seasons come and they go. Time seems to fly by in an instant. Creating memories along the way, a chuckle here and a chuckle there. Are you enjoying the moment?

Last night was a night of dreams here in our household. My wife dreamt of going to Hawaii with all her friends, and I had a deep dream of being on a treasure hunt. Who knows what the dog dreamt, maybe dreams of having his belly rubbed and getting fed treats. My dream started out in this big mansion that belonged to a widow who hoarded stuff. There were boxes every where. . The boxes were old and beat up. Like the were stored in the basement. They even had that unique smell of mustiness.  In these boxes were these rare treasures, you had to dig through them to find it. Gold rings from the 1800’s and so one. There was antique furniture everywhere. Antique lighting and flooring. Everything was just old. Like walking into a time capsule. Very cool indeed. Then I found these cards. They were like pieces to a treasure map the I had to put together. Each card had a clue of a bunch shapes and symbols. you had to arrange the cards in a way to figure out where the next piece of the puzzle went. It was absolutely mind boggling. I was to the point where i was going to give up/ I did not know where to even start. So I was going to relax in my lazy boy and I kicked back and looked up. there Hidden at the top of the window frame was the first clue. Once I knew where to look, it made finding the rest of the pieces easier. I still had to put the pieces together.I searched through the house from room to room to find more pieces. That house was huge. When I woke up, i still had not found all the pieces. I knew wasn’t done.

I don’t know why I shared this, but to me it was an exciting dream. I like exploring and looking to see what I can find. I like a challenge, something to figure out. The deeper the better. I wasn’t alone in that dream either. There was a man with me the whole time. In my dreams, I come to know Him as a Father figure, or Papa. He has appeared in a lot of my dreams. He guided me through the house. He was there when I opened these treasures. I knew these treasures were not as important as the next mission i was going on. In fact these treasure did not matter. They looked appealing to the eye, and could be valuable, but in the end, they really did not matter. What was important was trying to figure out life with Papa. When I couldn’t figure out the clues and felt like giving up, Papa was there and showed me the next step. He was there every step of the way. He allowed those low times and those high times to teach me, strengthen me, and most of all to show me that I needed Him. That He is God and He is there to help, to guide and care for me. In the ups and downs, He is always present. He makes away when all seems helpless.  He cares.

It has been four months since my crash. I think about it every day. My time on the ground, in the ambulance, in the helicopter and at the hospital. I think of what my family and friends went through. I think of all the people I came into contact with, the conversations we had and the laughs we had. I feel like I walked through a door and came out different on the other side. I can’t quite put my finger on it yet. Sure I move a little slower, and walk the dog more. I don’t smoke anymore, but there is something that I can’t quite put my finger on yet. I have a new title at work. I have had to come out of my shell a little, but there is something on the horizon that I just can’t see. I can feel it in my bones, just like the way i can feel the weather change in my collar bone. Kind of exciting, i must say. The world may look like it is crumbling and being torn apart, but My Lord is still on the throne.

I think that being the introvert that I am, I spend too much time worrying about what might happen, or could happen, instead of just relaxing and trusting Papa. I am very good at coming up with a thousand different ways life could go and none of them play out like my mind thinks it should go. I think Papa is secretly laughing at me when I am standing in the shower plotting and scheming on how things should go. He probably does a face palm and shakes His head. He knows that I will eventually get it one day. When,,,only He know. Until then I will keep trying to figure it out and look for clues to what is coming next. God leaves bread crumbs for you to follow. If you look, you will find them. If you feel like you are lost, just relax and the next crumb will appear. You don’t have to find all the pieces right away, that is where joy in the journey comes into play. Relax, Papa’s got this.

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a short vent

I have been in hiding as of lately. I think I suffer from people phobia, or people anxiety lately. It seems that when you share how you feel, there are a ton of experts who are willing to offer all kinds of helpful advice. How about just loving me where I am at. I could be the problem also. I see so much taking instead of giving, it kind of makes me sick. I must admit I too wonder what is in it for me, rather than what I can give. People are just plain funny though. Some time those who call themselves Christians, can be the worst. There must be some chapters of the bible they haven’t gotten to yet. Hey i am just as bad, judging people like this. Is anyone really genuine anymore? Is there such a thing as real friendships. I really do think I am the one with the problem. I won’t let anyone get close, I can get offended easily, and I can take advice the wrong way. I consider the source and realize that they don’t have their life together either and throw their advice out with the trash. Does anyone really take the time to just listen anymore?

I am just kind of venting here. I have no one to blame but myself for anything. You know it has been 119 days since i had my accident. I haven’t had a cigarette in as many days. So I guess I can change. If I want to. If i had to.  After all I am a man. I find myself often thinking of the people that Jesus came for. Murderers, prostitutes, criminals and so on. People who did not have their lives together. Well then there is still hope for me.  I am always amazed when I have a conversation with Him, that he never points out what is wrong with me. I guess we both know that. People on the other hand like to point out what they think is wrong with you and then offer you ways that they think you need to improve yourself. The television tells you this crap all the time. Jesus just comes a long and sees what’s missing. He sees nothing wrong with me. I am just wired a little different than most. I can look at life a little different than some. Maybe i am anal, or a perfectionist who never seems to get it right. I can run i million different scenarios in my head in a course of a few minutes, which none will ever happen.

Stress and anxiety are two companions that I have known for too long. I can stress over the littlest things and have great anxiety over things that haven’t even happen yet. I struggle over relationships and take things to personal. I guess deep down, I am human and just want to be loved. Again this is where Jesus comes into the picture. I wonder at times if more people were like Jesus, if this world would be a better place. With Jesus, you take a lot of self out of the equation. Maybe that’s asking a little too much. We still need Jesus. Maybe me more than anyone.  We are all captive to something,,,Jesus came to set the captives free. I need to be set free. Maybe I am free and society is just trying to put rules and regulations on me to make think that I am not. I should do this or say that or act like this. or worse yet, don’t do this or don’t do that….There’s always some one watching. This is probably not going to be one of my most popular blogs,,,,but it’s mine and I can say what I want….. This pic below kinda sums it up for me lately….


A magnifying glass hovering over the word Search

They Call me the Seeker…

Yesterday we brought the bike home. It was in my parents storage shed since May. In my mind I was a little nervous about bringing it home. It looked like it was in worse shape than I was. Bent handle bars, bent crash bars, bent blinker lights and more scrapes and scratches than I could bear looking at. It should have been hauled off in the helicopter that day instead of me. After almost four months of physically healing, I was able to work on it today. I had extra handle bars that I bought in a package deal a couple of years ago. I was able to switch them out and take off the bent crash bar and see if this bad boy still had life in it. After realizing that some one was smart enough to turn off the gas, and a little help from the battery charger, she fired up. It brought a grin to my face. There was still work to be done. It had a bent shifting pedal and lever. There is no way I can ride it until those are straightened out. Could thing my brother is handy in  that area. I think He thrives on taking something that is beat up and broken and breathing new life into it. It is very therapeutic to work with your hands. He told me that he knew i would be wrenching on it soon. He was right. I just couldn’t let it sit there in need or repair like that. It was almost sad to see it in that shape.

My brother and i grew up on a small five acre farm. We explored every inch of that five acres when we were kids. I also took things apart and tried to fix them. I think I failed more than I succeeded. I always had hope going into these endeavors.   At least we tried. We did grow up watching Andy and Barney, they were always going to Emmett’s Fix it shop. That guy fixed everything. Growing up on a farm, I thought we could too. One motorcycle I had I could not fix. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but a lack of money. I had high hopes anyway.  I learned how to take things apart, more than to put them together. If I just had the right parts i could fix it. Now days we live in a society that when something is broke, we just throw it away. it is almost cheaper and easier to replace it than fix it.  Are you willing to do whatever it takes to fix something. Can it be repaired?  I am always amazed when I read about Jesus feeding fish sandwiches to the five thousand. They took what they had and made it work. Then there was all those left overs and they picked up all the crumbs. They did not waste a thing, they probably ate left overs for a couple of days. Of all the stories in the New Testament, why did they share this one? Even then they only talked about feeding the men, there was women and children there too. It must have looked like Woodstock,  after they left there must have been a  mess every where. What did they do with all those baskets of leftovers? They did not waste them. I don’t think anything is a waste to God.

People tho, I can never figure them out. Like for instance, I like being weird and it seems perfectly  normal to me. I make silly snap chat videos and share with my nieces  is funny to me. If I can make you laugh at the expense of being weird, then it is totally worth it to me. I think we live in a society that is too uptight, to worried about their own desires and what’s in it for them. We worry about how we look, and how we act, that there is no freedom to be yourself. We have to fit in, in order to be a member of society, conform to everyone else’s  rules.  So we get up and put these masks on and pretend that everything is all right. I’m fine, is the biggest lie we tell. Then when we are not fine and try to tell some one,  they treat us like we have the plague. Hoping that it don’t rub off on them. There are some things that are wrong in this world and we can’t walk around them hoping that they will get right. They won’t get right by ignoring it, hoping it will go away. We need to take the time and fix things. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. A little dirt under your finger nails is not all bad.  I usually end up with a bloody knuckle when I work on something. This time I did not.  There is nothing wrong with asking why, or finding the source of what someone else has quoted. It is good to still be seekers of the truth and not taking things at face value.  I like to know the hows, whys and whats of life. I still like to question things. Like a two year old, why, why, why. I don’t see it as an act of rebellion, I just want to know why.  When I get to heaven, God and I will be having many conversations about the whys, for now I will just trust Him. We will work out the whys later.


Bottled up….Again

Sometimes it really does feel like, “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. It feels like every time I turn around what I do is wrong. I can’t please anyone. How could I even please God?  It seems like every choice I make is the wrong one. At times I feel like I just want to give up. I try to hard to please someone and then end up disappointing another. I can’t go on always trying to make every one else happy and slowly find myself wasting away inside. When I was a child, it did not seem like I could do any thing right. Every choice was the wrong one. Now as an adult it seems I am still carrying that one around.  It makes me wonder if I really do anything right. I will probably be standing before the guy at the pearly gates and he will say that all my choices weren’t pleasing to him. I am beginning to think that I don’t make anyone happy. Not even myself.  Can I do anything right?

Some days my work can be stressful. When people don’t get what they want, when they want it, they sure can chew your ass over the phone. All i can do is just sit there and take it. You try to be sympathetic and helpful, but that is not what they want to hear. All they care about is themselves. They don’t see that some one else worded their paperwork wrong, or there is five hundred other people on a waiting list before them. They want to just make you feel like crap. All I can do is listen and forgive. If people only understood how their actions and words affected other people’s hearts. How their self esteem is bruised. Why would they even care in the first place. They just don’t want to hear  the how’s and whys. Understandable, maybe.  Hurtful, yes. Helpful, no. It just feeds into my introvertedness and I withdrawal even more.

I wonder if I can ever make any one happy. Then comes my relationship with God. I feel like I fail Him miserably. Every choice i make  i must surely be getting closer to having a one way ticket to hell.  Sure there is grace, but does that still give me the right to make wrong choices. Then I wonder is this sin, or that sin, and who am i to even decide what is sin and what is not. I see that everyone else is good at deciding that for me. Can I swear or can’t i? Just for example. What if I am just trying to do the best I can? How can I feel like God is pleased with me, when I feel like every thing else I do is wrong. Then when something does go my way, I feel like I don’t deserve it. Life is full of choices. It seems like every one I make is wrong.  Then there is so much advice out there, how do you know which one to take.  What a dilemma life can be.

So here I am at times walking around in doubt. A life full of questions and uncertainty. If mistakes make you wiser, I should be a genius by now. well not really. Things don’t usually go as I planned. I have wondered how i Have even made it this far. Don’t let this fool you, I do love God and I know He loves me. That’s about all I got. I’ll go to bed soon, try to sleep, get up tomorrow and try again.



I need a stunt double…

It has been an interesting twelve weeks since that day. I look pretty tough here. I am truly thankful to be alive. I have all my body parts and I can walk upright. I can still think and can take care of myself. I am still stiff and sore, but I manage. I have a lot to be thankful for. I must be, I have said it twice in less than two minutes. Life is truly good. Where do you go from here, i ask myself quite often. What do you do with each day?  I watch people go by all day long, in their misery and pain, unable to see life farther than their nose. Grumbling about everything that they can find fault in. Blaming some one else for their problems. I feel sorry for them. I am grateful for the little things, fresh coffee, being able to breath, a home to live in, the ability to chose for myself. I sit behind a desk now, I am thankful to have a job. Some nights my sleep is not as good as others, but I do have a bed.I do get another chance to try to sleep another night. What do we really have to complain about?

In reality I do have a stunt double. His name is Jesus. He took my place for a lot worse outcome than wrecking my bike. He took my place on the cross so that I might have eternal life. So that I may have heaven on earth. So that I may come boldly to the throne of grace. So that I may walk in victory. Well it wasn’t Him laying in that hospital bed, but the miracle is how fast I have been healing.  Here i am cheering Him on,,,Go God Go…I still feel twinges in my neck, shoulders and head.  I think they  are there just to remind me that God is not done with me yet. I will take whatever i can get. My prayer life has been short and to the point. I have switched smoking for walking and get out there every morning. I enjoy the beauty of the sunrise. I think the dog likes it too. We both are walking the neighborhood.

I think about my accident a lot, my time in the hospital, my recovery at home. I probably talk about it too much. Show off my wounds and talk about recovery. One doctor told me i was traumatized. Whatever that means, I think I just got a huge boo boo and went to the hospital, come home and got bored and wanted to go back to work. Life, doesn’t it just happen, and not the way you planned sometimes. How you handle it is a key thing. If I didn’t have a relationship with Papa, I think I would be a pretty bitter person. You know as I look back over the twenty four year walk with Him, I am a different guy. Change comes, just not at the pace you want it to. As far as what’s ahead, God knows and I am okay with that. I think He told my wife no more motorcycles though. Whenever I am asked if I will I ride again, I say maybe, but she speaks a bigger no. I enjoy the freedom that comes with riding, the wind in your hair, well what I have left. The alone time with your thoughts, the focus of the open road, and the occasional cracking of the throttle to eighty. the adrenaline rush  on a cool crisp morning, to the refreshing of an evening breeze. It’s all good, maybe it is time to move on.

Move on to what, I say to myself. That has been my haunting question. I am limited to what I can do now. No big projects in the garage, and I have had a hard time focusing on reading. Nothing has really peaked my curiosity. I hate to say it, but I have been focused on me lately. Internal thinking and healing. It just must be that season. I am really not to talented else where. It will all work out in time. God is not pushing me into anything, He knows. He does not have any delusions with me. I am sure what’s coming is going to be grand. With all the dreams that I have had about building, I am sure that’s what is going on right now. I just don’t have a clue to what He is building, or what is on the other side of the mountain. I am okay with that, I am enjoying life, one day at a time. There really is a lot to enjoy, if you take the time to take a look around. Keep smiling…..