Trying to make sense of it all……


But I see it makes no sense at all.
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
I don’t think that I can take anymore.
Clowns to the left of me!

Jokers to the right!
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

What does make sense these days? Here we are, life seems to be going on fine, and the left throughs their brand of fear into the mix. Life just keeps on getting more and more interesting. They try to hold your freedom hostage. If you do this, we will give you that. I didn’t know America could be like this. Our freedom is coming under attack everyday. How do you prepare? How do you fight back? This isn’t a conventional war. Our very existence is at stake. Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is a battle now days. But I guess it is a matter of perspective, you can choose to live in fear, or choose life.

I wish I had the boldness of Elijah, what a prophet. He slaughtered the prophets of baal. All of them, then his life was threatened and he ran and hid in a cave. What is amazing to me that even in that moment, God asked him what he was doing here and looked passed his fear and gave him new instructions on where to go. And He went. I would like to be a man of God like that. Instead I think I look at what is missing. Or I just sit here in the shadows, wishing. What must I do? What am I not doing? Who is going to come along side and help?

I just wanted to share this with you: Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

I want to say that I trust in the Lord, and that He is my fortress. But at times I think I try to do it my way, or have a backup plan, just in case. I really don’t have a plan at all. My goal really is to try and be as close to God as i can be. somedays I am good, and some days i wonder how did i even get here. I found that what you focus on the most is where your heart is. If you choose to focus on God, you tend to look at things a bit different. I am not saying that i have arrived. Where else can you go? who else has the words of life? The things of this earth are just temporal. They really don’t satisfy, maybe for an instant and then the craving comes back. I would like to quote one of my favorite authors, “The endless struggle for enough money, good feelings and prestige yields a rich harvest of worry, frustration, suspicion, anger, jealousy, anxiety, fear and resentment. These powerful emotion-backed desires cause 99% of the self-inflicted and unnecessary suffering in our lives.”. The Importance of being foolish, by Brennan Manning. I come to the conclusion that You will never be satisfied. It will never end. When will you ever be happy?

You can choose to live life just plowing through hoping to make it to the end, or you can choose to make the Lord your refuge. He will take of you. He wants to provide for you, fight for you, protect you. He cares for you more than you can imagine. Being an Introvert, i can have a vivid imagination. I love to see the Lord move. We will get through this. God is who He says He is, and this is a time to have faith and to trust. We are still running the race. Don’t focus on the clowns to the left, or the jokers to the right, but be stuck in the middle with God. These are exciting times to be walking with Him. Look at what He is doing, not what the clowns and jokers are doing.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the middle with you
And I’m wondering what it is I should do.
It’s so hard to keep this smile from my face.
Losing control and running all over the place.

Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Jesus is my refuge, and I am glad to be stuck in the middle with Him.

Riding the storm out…


We all go through times in our life when we seem to hit a rough patch. Where things just don’t go right, or we just are having a bad day. Most of the time it seems like I have more than most. Most of the time it is because of wrong choices, or my foolish pride. Sometimes it seems like it is one thing after another. I cannot go a couple of minutes without something going wrong. I cannot do a project at home without some blood magically appearing. A cut here or a bruise there and I wonder, how did that happen. when things don’t go right, I get so frustrated and then my anxiety kicks in and well, can I get a do over. I can get a round peg to fit into a square hole. As long as I am in control, everything will work out just fine, maybe. it is not always like that. I have plenty of good days too, and there are times when things actually work out for the better. We don’t always see the big picture and want it solved right now.

It seems right now that our country is in a pretty big storm. How much longer can we ride this one out. It seems like we know we are on the Titanic and waiting for that crash. Some don’t even know what is coming. Life is going along smoothly and the next thing we know, we are being blindsided by something and we are wondering, what the heck is going on. This is not going the way I thought it should have. I have a completely different plan in mind. Being an introvert, I can think of a thousand different ways something should be done. It never goes the way I can perceive it to. Conversations never go the same either. Good thing i am not running the show. I would have us sunk before we even left port. I am not saying i am the village idiot, but i can have some good ideas now and then.

Let’s take the disciples for instance. they were expert fisherman, been out to see many times. caught more fish than I can imagine, and here they were out in the boat, during a storm. Prior to them shipping off Jesus said, “Let’s get into the boat and go to the other side.” So this big storm starts to come up and in the back of the boat, Jesus was napping. They were so scared of the storm, yet they were right there with Jesus. They had to wake Him and ask Him if He cared about them. He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

Do you think Jesus was really napping? I wonder what He really wanted the disciples to see? I wonder if their fear was extreme. How scary was it really? Some don’t know it, but I think we are in the middle of a storm right now. Jesus is with us, but we are too busy looking at the storm instead of trusting God. I question my faith at times, more often than I can admit. Do I trust you Father? Am I doing okay? Will everything work out okay? I too am paralyzed by fear. What does the future hold? Sometimes I have to stop what I am doing and take a breath and remind myself the God has everything under control. He knew who I was, and what i was going to be like even before I was born. Yet He still chose me. Still revealed Himself to me. Took my hand and my heart and said, let’s go on an adventure. He never said it was going to be easy, or fun all the time. He said, let’s get into the boat and go to the other side. So right now we are in the boat, but we have something the disciples didn’t, the Holy Spirit, to guide and comfort us along the way. He is with us always. If the road is easy, how will we gain wisdom. The reward will be some much sweeter as we endure the tough times. The battles have already been won. This is how we grow in trust and faith. Keep running the race, victory belongs to the Lord. I read an article this morning about Dietrich Bonhoeffer. A doctor watched him as it was his turn to be executed. Dietrich Bonhoeffer prayed to God and met death, The doctor said, He never saw anyone with such confidence and trust in God, die knowing exactly where he was going to when he left this earth. he could see it on Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s face.

In Jesus, we will get to the other side. Hang on, because it will be a wild ride, and the outcome will be worth it.

Can’t find my way home….


The last year has been an interesting one, if I must say. From the sickening mask wearing, to losing your job, to get the sickness, to missing out on the Holidays to where do we go from here. The other day we were discussing friendships, or the lack there of. Where did those people go that we thought we were friends with? were they friends in the first place? was it me? After all this I have become a recluse. on a deserted island. Going to the store is an adventure for us. wearing masks, lack of food on the shelves, and you don’t see anyone smiling. Today a lady at the deli made me smile, i asked for some corned beef, because who doesn’t like a good Rueben, and she said no, I couldn’t get any, they were fresh out. i said are these two packages just for display? she said no, I just don’t want to get you any. The other lady said she has been doing that all day. I could tell that they were both smiling. I said I can’t see your smile, but I can tell by your eyes that you are. Then you wander around the rest of the store and try to stay six feet apart. The dumb sickness can’t be effective at six foot one inch. but everyone looks like zombies moving about looking for their goodies. Are we a society that is turning cold, toward each other. I must confess, i like to avoid people. heck i try avoid conversations with people. Maybe something is wrong with me. My wife and I had a conversation about making friends. I think maybe i am part of the problem. I have been burnt on making friends so many times that i am not sure i even want to take a chance. we all different ideas or different viewpoints on life. It is easy for me to unfriend on social media, i just want to hideaway. I feel like i really don’t have anything to say, or when I do, someone will think that it is dumb. I know it’s not, but i wear my heart on my sleeve and take things too personal. so as you see, i am the problem. I have put up walls, boundaries, a safe zone.

When you walk with God, it’s not easy. I am afraid of doing the wrong thing, or when i do, i think God is going to send me right to hell. Then i feel like i have to work my way into His good graces. It seems like everything I do is wrong. It’s a wonder that I am even still saved. I worry myself to death. Being introverted and thinking about every detail can be debilitating. I pray and pray and nothing seems to happen. Maybe if i read more, or worship more, nothing seems to happen. I will always take some prayer. At times i wonder what does God really think of me? What are my gifting’s, or talents. When I ask, i really don’t hear. Am I doing the right thing. Hey God, it’s me down here, Hello? The other night i wondering what to believe, who is in charge of the country, who can you trust and do i still believe in God. I didn’t know what to think. I got down on my knees and told God that i was sorry and I still believed. I think He understood. We are living in interesting times, where you don’t know what to believe. Who can you trust, who are your friends, what will tomorrow bring? The internet is not really helpful. you can just through yourself out there and nibble on any old thing and you don’t know if it is true or not. Just because one hundred people share something, that doesn’t make it true. pictures can now be altered and facts changed and lies can be twisted to sound truthful. Heck I can’t even trust myself. I know my weaknesses, and what’s worse is the enemy knows them too. God knows my strengths, I am still working on that. No one can really answer these questions, it is just something between you and God. I have often thought about asking someone for a prophetic word, when the real answer is get one yourself. It’s like asking for a window to be open in heaven, and the window is already open.

Nobody really knows where i am at, but me and God, and sometimes it seems hard to get an answer out of Him. I have spent the last seven months looking at what is wrong with me. every last thing that i did wrong and every mistake i have made. what an ugly picture. I found it hard to look at all the things that I did right, or did a good job. deep down i would like to think I am a good person, or do a good job, but there is always someone there pointing out my mistake, or correcting me. you don’t know how much i hate that. If only someone would come along side and love instead. I know part of it’s me and i can take things the wrong way. but when all you see and hear is the negative, why else wouldn’t you build a wall. It’s understandable why i would question God. Do you really love me, am i doing Okay, will this make you happy. You aren’t going throw me into the lake of fire are you? I’ll try harder next time. Please give me one more chance. Can you see where this gets you in life? doubt and fear ind mistrust are you constant companions. Then the enemy is tempting you and enticing you, telling you that God doesn’t care. These are the things you have to fight through every day. The battle for your mind is real. Then the world out there is hard also. In the word’s of Hawkeye Pierce, it’s funny we all don’t go and stick our nose in a chopper blade.

I am not crazy, or going to do anything irrational, these are just my everyday observations. I believe that Jesus came to save us all from the world and ourselves. That the Gift of eternal life will never be taken away, and there is a hope that God is bringing us into being Christ like. The enemy wants to come and steal kill and destroy us. He hates us with a passion that cannot be described. He will use anyone or anything to trip us up. Yet here is God, with compassion and mercy that is being measure. God also will use anything to get our attentions, to draw us closer to Himself. Behind everything there is a plan and a purpose, i don’t always see it and probably never will. I trust Him. In God there are all things. He is the beginning and the end, and He loves me.

Freedom Baby……


this still applies…..

Joe's Garage Logic

I have had a sense these past few days that too many of us have been living in some sort of fear. Fear of the future, or a fear of some enemy. This is not good people. It is not a place that God wants you to live. He talks about it quite a bit in His word. But first, what is fear: “adistressingemotionarousedbyimpendingdanger,evil,pain,etc.,whetherthethreatisrealorimagined” . The television is good at instilling this into us. Sure they think it is news, but people bite on it and run with it in their imagination and the next thing you know they are hiding in their closets. Now with the internet, you can almost see it happening before it even happens. Fear can spread like wildfire, one little seed can contaminate a whole community. It can…

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HELP!!


I haven’t written anything in a while. I’ve been caught up in the whole conspirator hype that has been going on. At times i think an over powering flood of information is bad for you. You don’t know what too think or who to trust. In the meantime it is time to find a job. I just don’t want any old job, i want one where i fit in, where i am happy and people are happy with me. So i am asking for prayer. If you get a word great, if you get direction, great. Give me something. At times i am not sure what is up.

TRUMP ODE TO THE CORPORATION!


excellent

THE MARSHALL REPORT

D.C. is fenced off and the President is never going back to the White House. But not for reasons you may be thinking.

Fear not, there will be a new capitol built and an end to income taxes paid to the tax collectors of the Corporation that is now in the hands of a new administration. They went to all the trouble to steal a corporation whose assetts are in the process of being seized. Most did not see this coming for they did not even know their nation was a Corporation. But, it is indeed but now, no more are the states subject to it. Please read on to understand the nature of the battle we are in.

Meet the thieves in the light of day. So proudly they claim what is not theirs to take…or is it?

In 1871 a sedious act was performed by the Government. A…

View original post 1,559 more words

Still crazy after all these years….


I am not sure how others think or feel about life in general. I can only speak for myself. At times it seems so frustrating. I can miss the meaning of so many things people say, or even how they act. i can run with it in a thousand directions and completely send myself into a tizzy. I wonder how i have even made it in life this far. everyday releases new challenges and a whole new list of impossibilities that can send you into a whirlwind of insecurity. I can over analyze better than Freud. it is a wonder i am even sane at all. what is being sane anyway? Why does one go through so much, what is going on here? I have no one to blame but myself. Only I am responsible for my thoughts and actions. I am the one that needs to let go of all the baggage that i have been carrying since God knows when. I think that is why i have all this grey hair. It is a wonder how one gets around in life with a wheelbarrow full of problems and you are trying to fix them on your own. Hoping for some relief around the next corner only to find another stack to add to your pile. Then the load gets heavier and heavier and you are trying to find your way in the fog. Then you try to fix it on your own and you feel like it is only getting worse and worse. you put a smile on your face and pretend things are going fine, while deep down you wonder how did i get here. You try to get right with God and dig deeper and you get beat up. you pick yourself up and try again. Meanwhile back at base camp in your mind, you fight with self worth, you wonder how can anyone like some one like myself and you feel the only answer is to run away. run to where? i think i have wanted to run away my whole life. you try to please people or help, just to have a friend. then you fight the lies of are they really your friend, do they really care, did i make myself to look like a fool. so then you tend to want to hide away. you battle in your mind, why would anyone want you anyway. you battle rejection, and hope it all goes away. you spend your energy trying to please others only to feel unwanted. Insecurity is a dangerous foe. I feel like i am fighting a losing battle with it. I am afraid of what people may think of me, or i even question their intentions when they want to help. What is their motive and why are they being so nice.

Am i missing something here in life? Are there really people out there who care? How do you trust when you feel like it has been broken. It is obvious you can’t trust in the world or the government. You should be able to trust in God, it says so on all your money. Trusting God is interesting, He can be so complex, yet so simple. I think it is my brain the makes it complicated. I know that i Love God, but wonder if He loves me back. Kind of stupid huh. You would think that as a follower of Christ, i would be one of the most confident person out there. At times i need to be reassured. If anything it is nice to hear from God. Hey it’s me, how am i doing down here? Do you still love me? Please give me a some encouragement, a dream, a word something. What a silly person I am. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and i get tired of being treated like that. How does one cope with feeling like you do everything wrong? How does one build up his self-esteem, his confidence. i tend to look at what is wrong more than what is right. I can tell you more about the mistakes i have made than all the good things i have done. That’s probably why i feel like the worst sinner ever. I just can’t shake it. Living in the past is not good. no wonder i feel like a miserable wretch at times. Alas, there is hope. With a world that is spinning down the toilet, there Is God. It’s the one thing that is for sure. I have to believe. where else can you go? I feel like God has driven me into a corner and there is nothing else but Him. Even then i feel like i am hanging by a string. When life takes us out of our norm and puts a crazy spin on it, where you don’t see what the future is like, the only thing you can cling to is God. I have to stay here and see how it is going to end. These are exciting times. i just seem to take on the stress and anxiety that goes along with it. If they were passing out awards for worry, i would win hands down. I will be okay. I like Old Gideon, he was lacking in a lot of the same issues i am. He was hiding in a wine press, when the angel appeared. he thought of himself as the lowest and weakest, but God could see his true worth. Gideon you might man of valor. Yet Gideon had to throw out a couple of fleeces. still had doubt when God reduced his army to less than three hundred, then God asked him if he needed a prophecy. Gideon said yes, so God sent him into the enemies camp and he received one. I would have given up. Here we are in the camp of the enemy now, the battle is real and the last word i have received is, “God will provide your manna”. so everyday I am expecting something, and of course the enemy is right there speaking against it. I will believe God, what he says he will do and what he says about me. He knows my heart.

Hallelujah…..


I did my best, it wasn’t much, I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah…Leonard Cohen

Mistakes, we all make them. What if they really aren’t mistakes but a part of just learning. Learning how to do some or not do something. Who’s to say which way is right and which way is not. There is a thousand ways to reach a destination. One foot, one step at a time. Joy in the journey, isn’t that what it is really about. Lately it seems that the joy has been stolen. the enemy has come to steal the life right out of you. You have to be on guard against the works of the devil. For some, walking with the devil has become natural. The endless pursuit of power, money and prestige will do you in. you will never be satisfied. Look what’s going on now. people who committed crimes for money and power. Sold people and children into slavery or sacrificed them. Very Old testament. It’s hard to believe in this day and age when we think that people are decent and have our best interest in mind are killing our way of life for their own gain. there are so many in cahoots with them that they will do anything to protect their hides. spread a virus to rig an election to cover up their crimes. lie through their teeth to make themselves sound like the good guys. take their crimes and say that the other guy committed them. Then fool half the nation into thinking that they are the good guys and the other guy is not. You can’t make this up, it would make a great novel if it wasn’t true. Remember the enemy came to kill, steel, and destroy. He will us any one and anything and try to slander and eliminate those who know and tell the truth. Then corrupt in infiltrate every form of media and entertainment to hide the truth. Lies, where do they end, then lie about what you lied about to cover up a previous lie. In this day and age you can’t hide anything. there is no privacy. we devices in our home and cars. we care a mini computer with us everywhere you go. they track you shopping, your habits and we all take pictures of our life and show it off to the world. Hey look at me!!! If you want to know the truth, you can find it. The trouble is, who’s truth? can you trust them? is their source reliable? is it just hearsay? Who can you trust? sometimes i cannot even trust myself. I know what my human nature is like.

In this time and age i find myself turning more to God. I think i have been praying more and seeking Him more. Listening and discerning. I am not an expert, but where else can you turn? where else can you go? who else offers eternal life. The road with God is not easy. There are many battles and obstacles along the. pitfalls and snares and just everyday life. I think God must have some plan for me, because i feel like the enemy is always trying to trip me up. Take every thought captive. Life just happens. Nobody is perfect and no one has arrived yet. After being off of work for so long i think that i have been come more introverted than ever before. I can over think and over analyze ever situation. Let me tell you that can get you into a lot of mental trouble and anxiety. you mind can run in to places that you really don’t want to go. it’s not easy. But i have to believe that we are here for such a time as this. Prayer is more powerful than you think. Find out what God wants you to pray and pray it. You have Jesus and The Holy spirit praying with you. It’s like praying in stereo. God is winning. Your prayers are more important than you think. If you don’t know what to pray just ask.

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins…..Matthew 6

You can’t go wrong with that prayer. Keep praying, don’t let up. I am impatient and everyday hoping for something to happen. Everything is in God’s timing and will come to pass when it is right. until then don’t give up hope and don’t give up the fight. As i have said a hundred times, only 1/3 of the angels feel from heaven, so they are outnumbered 2 to 1. And we have God the Father, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. They going to win and captives will be set free.

Spy Vs. Spy?


It is hard to believe in this day and age where people go to war over who is running for president. I just heard that someone who was canvasing the neighborhood for one political person was so harassed that he had to call the police for help. What weird times we live in. it seems like it has boiled down to good verses evil. people are picking sides for a battle and there are people getting hurt. i wonder when people decide to choose a side if they even know what they are signing up for? there has been battles for centuries and who is to say what side is right and what side is wrong. I am choosing God’s side. you can’t loose, and there is life in everything he does. I have never seen anything like this. What is it going to be like when one side looses. will there be a war. You have to discern what is happening here. There is a bigger picture. God is in control, but the enemy doesn’t want you to think that. The enemies weapons are fear, anger, and hatred. He will do anything to throw you off your game. People are biting on it too, the media spreads its filth all over you. you are getting puked on with lies and you don’t even know it. then in turn we puke it on someone else and the next thing you know we are all believing a bunch of crap and we are so far from the truth we don’t even know what is going on. Then we draw up sides and we fight from what we think is truth and get in so deep that we don’t even find out what is actually true. we will fall for anything that makes us feel good about ourselves, even if it is not true.

Some of us are different than that. We don’t fall for anything. We know in our hearts what is true and what is truth. God is in our hearts and we have the Holy Spirit. It is good to question and find out the truth. God is where we draw our strength and wisdom from. You have not because you ask not. I have asked. Not that i am the wisest person on earth. In fact i have screwed up my life more than anything. i am thankful to be a live and i don’t think i would have made it this far without Him. Hopefully i have learned from my mistakes in life, and i will make more. I haven’t arrived yet and i am not a Holy man. I am just a man who has realized that life without God is impossible. I hope to hear well done good and faithful servant. but for right now i just trust. How do those without the Lord get by? How can you not have faith, hope and love. I may not be super Christian, but i am doing what i can.

Ephesians 6,” Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.” And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;” Be Strong in the Lord.

Today in my spirit i heard, “You have to stand up for what you believe.” I had to question myself, what do i believe? You have to make a choice, you have everything in you and you are equipped. and remember, Psalm 23, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” You have a great cloud of witnesses cheering you on, you have God the Father, Jesus, and the holy Spirit cheering you on. Two thirds of the angels are also there. You cannot lose with God.

Where was i going with all this? Don’t be overwhelmed or have anxiety. Goodness will prevail. Search for God while it is still called today. Keep oil in your lamps. God loves you with an everlasting love. Choose life. I believe that Jesus is Lord and he has come from the Father above to set the captives free. He sent His Holy Spirit as a comforter and a guide to help us along the way.

Let the midnight special, shine a light on me..


I am finding that the hardest thing to do is to step away from the computer. Everywhere you turn you see the same old thing. Everyone has an opinion how things should be. At times i can’t even think straight. The world is getting weirder everyday. Riots here, protests there, this town is burning, that town is burning and so on. Wear your mask or you’ll get the plague. conform to society even if you don’t want to. The virus is causing our business to lose money, guess what, you’re fired. We need to let you go, so others can keep their job. Then you think you’ll get unemployment and that is not going as expected. As my wife said two steps forward and three steps back. when you think it is going good, something comes along and kicks you in the crotch and says, not today, you can’t get ahead. then is steam rolls into a bunch of petty things and you are on the edge of madness. The dog barking at 5 am, or the shade not working, or just something as simple as putting something on the shelf in the garage. FYI, don’t wear your flip flops while getting on a step ladder, your toes will catch on the edge of the ladder, the ladder will tip over while your toe stays in the same place. uffda…

It’s not only that, it’s other things that go on in your mind.  You wonder if you’ll find work, what am i going to do now, will i pick the right thing? then you find you don’t know what to do with yourself. sure there are projects, but you find you cannot spend the money like you used to. So you are on a budget. You find things that you can do that take up your time, like playing Nintendo, you can only do that for a short time and then you feel guilty for wasting half your day. My wife is good at finding me things to do. i have done more cleaning and laundry in the last two months than ever. Sometimes i just don’t feel like doing anything. I am very good at sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. riding a wild train of thought from to people like me, to what do people think to God are you still there. I do get plenty of exercise everyday, walking the dog to wrestling with doubt and self worth to painting the house, just the other day i think i made twenty trips up and down the stairs. I am not a train wreck, it just feels that way some days. Little things give me anxiety and i find myself doing a lot of deep sighing lately.  I think i asked God for a suddenly moment, and this is not what i expected. I have to admit i do not miss the stress and anxiety that came from that last position. I told God that i just wanted to be happy. I get to go to the dentist again.

In all i shouldn’t really complain. I am not dead, i have a house and food to eat. I have God in my life, or at times i think i do.  It’s like hey God, i am down here, can you see me? I am the one jumping up and down trying to get you attention. Oh you do see me? Can you help me with this next phase of my life? I really don’t have a clue to what i am doing. I am afraid if i do do something, i will make a mess of it and i will again have to ask for more help. So i guess i am just waiting. The world wants you to stay busy, it’s like look, Jesus is coming we better get busy doing the right thing. Whatever that may be. What if God really does have everything under control. What if really does want to be your provider. To provide manna in the desert, or be an oasis in the tough times to give you a cool drink. What if we are just making, trust God, harder than it really should be? i know that i can run off in a thousand different tangents in my mind and none of them will be correct. I think, i think too much. Too much time on my hands. I am okay, or i think i am okay, How do you know?  what do you compare it to? who’s to say? Am i crazy? I long for days when life was simple, when i thought i had friends, where did all those people go?  *Disclaimer*,,there is nothing wrong with us, this is just things i think about***. I had to add that in there, sometimes it helps to just get things out of your head.

What will the future bring? Who knows, i am just thankful every day that i wake up. i want to be in a good mood, but it doesn’t always happen. God is still up there and His throne, building a place for us to live. I am just down here trying to get it right, whatever that looks like. It would be funny when I get to heaven and old St. Peter really does say that what we thought was sin, or what we thought was wrong really didn’t matter.  We will find out that politics and power and prestige really didn’t matter. How much money i had in the bank, or what kind of house i lived in, what kind of car i drove, clothes i wore, or what i had for supper. How much energy i wasted to try to look good, or be liked. What really mattered was that I loved God and I loved others.The world will make you happy for a very fleeting moment, then it will fade away and you will be looking for that next moment, but God will make you happy for eternity  with an everlasting joy.  Some days i just need a spiritual hug, a pat on the back and some reassurance that it will all work out fine. today is one of those days.