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it’s ok…no one reads this anyway…


 

Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you’ll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It’s because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn’t long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk……Colossians 3:4-8

Yesterday was an interesting day to me. We cleaned house, as we do almost every weekend. Then we started talking about our house. Our house is seventy some years old. I have replaced things here and there, but we were talking about windows and how twenty windows I replaced three of them and a couple of years ago i replaced two and how they don’t match. As in brand. They are all painted white and look okay to me. My wife meant it one way and I took it a different way. I took it as the work I did was a complete waste of time. That it was no good. I took it personally and it hurts my feelings when someone degrades what I have done. I am a sensitive guy and I tend to take things personally. When things go wrong, I feel like it is my fault. That old shame on you rears it’s ugly head and waves of anger and guilt wash over you. My whole life I have felt like it is my fault.  Am i saying all this to get sympathy or attention?  Is this the old me that needs to die off. Can I have my feelings and be lovable, or should i hide my feelings away and just be a yes man?  Maybe something is truly wrong with me. Maybe i need therapy.  For the life of me I cannot figure out why God wired me this way.

 No one knows what it’s like,    To be the bad man,To be the sad man,  Behind blue eyes…

Being introverted, I think I live in my own little world. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it can get beat up pretty easily. I can take things personally and it will wreck me. I search for hidden agendas in peoples words and actions. I can take offense pretty easy and I am hurt when I feel left out or neglected. I can care with a passion, but when that care gets used and abused, i can lose interest. Most of all I am afraid I will lose a relationship with God. I will miss what He has in store for me, or misunderstand His intention or meaning. I know He has my best intentions in mind and is always looking out for me, but I just feel like I am missing it. Oh, sorry you are just a little late on that one,we will catch you next time around.  You are just a little short again. maybe I am a little weird. I just missed the blessing boat by ten minutes. Now that you have been to prison, you have to spend the rest of your life doing things the hard way. No soup for you.

 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

I know that His Spirit is within me. We are friends and then some. I know that I am a work in progress, and so is everyone else. The should be an abundant load of grace that we pour out on each other. There should also be the freedom to be ourselves. The grace to have feelings, to be cared for, to be thankful for what we have. To just enjoy life. Not to be hindered by another person’s thoughts or ideology. Just because a person thinks life should be a certain way, does that mean it is true? Is there freedom to be me anymore? Should I just become a mindless drone and cave into the way that society thinks I should be. A non feeling, non caring mindless twit looking for his next hand out. I think not. I am going to be the person that God has created me to be, warts and all. I guess I am just that guy who needs attention, a pat on the back, and some encouragement. A person who hates to feel neglected, but doesn’t want the spot light to be shining on my self. I just want to live a good life. I just want to be me.

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I’m just sayin….


“I am still as strong today as the day Moses sent me out; I’m just as vigorous to go out to battle now as I was then.” Caleb…Joshua 14:11

Whoever said life would be easy needs to have their but kicked, or they just roll over and give in. I do not know about you but I still have fight left in me. Sometimes you just get tired of crap and it explodes out of you. You vent, then regret and shame sets in. I am down here on this earth just trying to do the best I can. I do not have many answers. So what do you do, wake up and thank God for another day and move on. You try and smile and make the best of every situation. You can not please everyone. People will come and try to rain on your parade and you just have to let them. They do not know how it effects you and for the most part don’t care. As long as they get what they want and have their needs met.

I am not always okay. My mind can run off into a thousand different tangents and i would still not have the right answer. Being patient is not really one of my strong points. I have been learning to wait on the Lord and usually it works out. That is very hard to do when you are in the moment.

So what does it really mean to be Christ like? To follow Christ. To take His yoke upon you. …“All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls…..Matthew 11:27-29..

I feel like I have been weary and burdened for years. I am always worrying about something and afraid something will go wrong.  I worry about who is my friend and who is not. I am a bundle of nerves caught up in a nightmare of stressful worry. No wonder I am prematurely grey. There is so much pressure in this lifetime it is a wonder I am not crazier than I seem.

Yet there is a hope.  What if God truly cares, what if He really does forgive, what if this is just all a temporary stop on my way to Eternity. What if this endless striving to work through my lot in life has purpose and meaning. What if I did make a difference. What if people were genuinely interested. What if people really did love me just the way that I am and all this bitterness and resentment that I carry around is just  blocking me from being the person who God made me to be. What if the that is the true battle. To fight off all the lies that formulated in your mind and you believed them to be truth. What if you are really doing better than you give yourself credit for. What if you just stopped and was grateful for what you have in life.

I am not here to battle endlessly for something I cannot reach. To have high and lofty expectations to just please some one elses dream.  I like straight answers. Nobody listens anyway. Do people really care about the way others feel. I just get tired of hearing what is wrong. What if everything is alright and my interpretation of it is wrong. What if life is really good and we are meant to enjoy what we have and those around us. What if we should just get out and overlook what we perceive to be someone’s faults, and encourage them. I know I like being encouraged more than being discouraged.

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What really is a good day?


Sometimes I wonder what it is like to have a good day. What I mean by that is having things go your way. A good day at work, some good news, or something really positive happen. Just to have a good overall, put a smile on your face kind of day. The wind at your back and the sun in your face. A day when what’s stolen is returned. A day where you don’t have to listen to people’s  self indulged, all about me stories. A day when some is ready to give, rather than take. A day when unexpected blessings are just poured out on you. A day when you get to put a smile on someone elses face.  A day where greed and unselfishness will rule the day. I am not asking to win the lottery here, but a day where those who say they are in Jesus to actually show it. The only thing we are really promised, is eternity. I just want a day with confidence, a day where I feel good about myself and what I am doing. A day where I am not fighting off the past, or haunted about problems, or attacked in my sleep about anxieties. A day of not fighting off the pain. A day of freedom, a day free from worry. A day free from over thinking and analyzing. A day free from dread. I just want to have a good day.

If is was rich, that would not really solve any problems. It would just give me more to worry about. If I didn’t have to work, that would just make me fatter and lazier. If I had all the friends in the world, I would probably go crazy. I can’t please everyone, and i would go crazy over analyzing every conversation, and I would think that they would have alternative motives when it comes to friendship, so therefore I would become skeptical and untrusting. I have a hard enough time trusting now the way it is. Oh, if you have earned my trust, fell fortunate, I just don’t hand that out like Halloween candy. I am just tired of people dishing out too many wtf moments. If faith in humanity  was used to get me in to heaven, I would fail. I am not very good at loving my neighbor. It is hard when it is just a one way street.

Any way enough of that. I am looking forward to everyday. Every night I get a chance to try to sleep. Some days are good and some nights are good. I can wake up with a hope in Jesus, a thankfulness that I have another day. A gladness that I am aware that God is with me, or I am with Him is more like it. Everyday He is faithful. He cares about the little things in my life. He listens to my prayers and I can hear Him. Some people should be thankful that He is my guide. He helps me practice restraint of saying or acting how I really feel about what I may perceive as injustice. Life will never seem like it is fair. It is funny to me how some prosper and some have the hard road. I feel sorry for those who always think that they have it so good. I think to myself, what are they hiding. Without Christ I am nothing and then there are those who think that they are something without Him. I need God everyday, I do not know what life would be like without Him. I do not want to find out either. If people only knew. I just want to get through life and hear well done good and faithful servant. I am sure He is not going to ask me about how much money I made.  I think about God a lot, who I am in Him, what are we doing today, and how much I depend on Him. I am afraid at times that I will mess up this relationship and afraid that He will say depart, I do not know you. Then there are other times He floods me with love, and bombards my dreams with hope and a future. He can entice me to no end and put a hunger in me that can not be satisfied until it is pursued. He can put such a love in caring in me and help me through just every day life. There is no one else like that. He can also in a loving way keep me humble and dependent on Him.

I don’t know if people interact with God like I do? If they have a reverence and awe like I do.  If their passion is a flame or a spark. Is their pursuit of God a one day thing, or do they think they have arrived? I hunger for Him, his word, prophecies, a Godly encouragement. Those are the wealth I seek after. I feel at times I just have to let things go and leave some to their own devices. I want the best for some, but they will not have anything to do with it. I guess sometimes you just shake the dust off your feet and move on. For those that are out there that don’t have nothing to do with God, who think that it’s all about them, who try to puke all their crap upon me,,,,He’s coming to get you and He is relentless in His pursuit. I am going to have good days. Sure the enemy may come in and try to rob, kill and destroy, but my God prepares a feast before my enemies. And I am hungry.

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Just being me…


Have you ever read something and thought to yourself, yes that me, describes exactly how i feel at this time? Or this describes exactly how I am thinking about myself. Or this is who I am. So I was reading this from some page this morning, and I thought if only people would get this…..”Although we value our friendships and care deeply about the people we love, sometimes we need time to ourselves for days or even months to sort out our feelings and thoughts. When this happens, we are re-evaluating meaning in our lives. value meaning and depth, so we do not like to engage in shallow conversations, such as gossiping, talking about the mundane and day-to-day.. Small talk doesn’t interest us because it lacks substance and feels superficial. However, that doesn’t mean we’re serious and need to have deep philosophical conversations constantly. We like to have fun and can be quite quirky and silly. What we really crave is the feeling that we’ve made a genuine connection….,We care for others deeply and easily become absorbed in other people’s worlds. Unfortunately, the reverse isn’t always true and we may end up disappointed and hurt when we discover that a relationship is one-sided. We value friendships that are mutual and reciprocal; anything that is one-sided is seen as inauthentic—and we despise anything artificial. i live in my head most of the time: I like to daydream and contemplate the meaning of life. We enjoy listening to you and helping you sort through your feelings. We’re good at picking up on people’s emotions and energy and understanding how they feel. Because of this, we might be able to help you unravel the root of your troubles..Our idealism combined with our strong personal values enable us to see the best in you and your potential, even though you may not see it yourself. When you feel useless and unworthy, we can see your courage and strength, and we will try to help you realize this. INFPs are champions of the underdogs, the downtrodden, the misunderstood.
They will have an open mind to hearing anyone’s problems or concerns; but they are extremely turned off by arrogance and entitlement. I value authenticity highly and always seek to be true to themselves and their deeply-held personal values.
Dishonesty and pretentious behavior extremely turns them off. I value the feelings of others whatever the case may be, and can see nothing more hateful than people who think they deserve better or are somehow “above” anyone else.They see every individual as full of of possibilities and potential.”……..

I am most of all a friend of God. I value that more than anything. I have days where I make stupid choices and beat myself up, but there are days I really enjoy who I am in Jesus. I am so much more than Just a friend. I am His. I am one of the beloved. I am that Holy wild card that you might not see come into play until later. I am that worshiper, that follower. I am understood by God. People may not get me or question my motives it is only because they do not understand the way I tick. If you think you know what is best for me or what I may like, you will probably be wrong. Being an introvert I realized is a blessing. I see things different, and the time I spend in fellowship with Papa is the most precious thing ever. I don’t think people understand humility and vulnerability are strengths.  Being in awe of the King is a good thing. You don’t know how hard it is to do small talk, or listen to one sided conversations. How hard it is to sit and listen to someone talk down to you. It really shows that do not value you and they think they are just a little bit better than you are, or their lives are more important. If people knew how much grace I really do extend.  So is it right to just sit there,  and nod your head and let them think that they are really pulling one over on you.  There really is something to  it when Jesus washed all the disciples feet. I wonder ……..

 

 

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I am up way to early…….


I can’t. I think I need help, I am not as strong as you think I am. My faith is stretched everyday. It takes real strength to bite my tongue.  Day after day it keeps coming in. It is a relentless adversary. The constant bombardment can be overwhelming. Wave after wave of demands, how much can one bend before they break. The battle just doesn’t end there. It creeps into your head at night and invades your precious down time. Wakes you up and says over analyze this for a while. Then you let your imagination run wild and the anxiety builds and you think about ten thousand conversations that could of happened and another ten thousand scenarios that could have played out, but didn’t. You tend to wonder if you are on the edge of borderline crazy. You try to explain your situation to someone and you can see that they are secretly thanking God that it is not them.  Meanwhile there are others that don’t have a clue that they are making things worse and can’t even see that they are stressing you out.  You sit back and wonder about the Israelites and the Egyptians and wonder how they made more bricks with less straw and didn’t complain.

It is wonder that some even make it at all. Who are my encouragers, who will come along side and pull up that one sagging sock.  There are those who tell you what you need to hear only to get what they want or to make their own life easier. Then there are those who do not know how to encourage and just expect you to get it right and can see that you are struggling, but just don’t know how to help and hopes it isn’t contagious. Then there are those who give superficial encouragement/ Then there are those who are genuine, who give from the heart. You can tell those who are sincere, real, who really care and want to see you succeed. Those who come along side you when they can see that you are having a bad day. There are days when the Holy Spirit has shown up and made things brighter.

There are times when I lay in bed before I get up and wonder if I have one more fight within me. Life can be challenging, especially when people are involved. Could you imagine all the grumbling that went on when Moses and his friends were roaming around in the desert. I wonder if He secretly prayed to God about smiting a few of them. Have people really changed in all these years?  They are still bickering and complaining today. Heck, I am complaining right now. What I really want is to have good days. To get things right. To have things go smooth for a change. It seems that I hit every pot hole on the road of life. If I am not trying to dodge pot holes, some bird is trying to crap on me. Does anyone rally have it good. The more you have the more you have to worry about.  Maybe I am just too nice of a guy, maybe I just need to say no more often. I hate to say it, but maybe I need to start thinking about what is best for me.

What I really need is some Holy Spirit action. I need encouragement like there is no tomorrow. I don’t think there is nothing wrong in asking for it. I will even take all the prophecies you can dish out. All the verses you can shell out. I will suck up all the encouragement like a vacuum cleaner. I feel like I am desperate here. I need Jesus and more. I need to have some good days, see some sonshine, see the goodness in the land. I am in a season to receive and I can’t give out too much more before I dry up. People suck the life and energy right out of you with all their demands and expectations. It is my time to come to the well, to sit back in the shade of the Almighty and soak it all in. I don’t want advice, I want the real deal.

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just a short one


 Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!…..1 Corinthians 9

The more i walk with Christ the more I realize that it is not about me, or what I want. It is not about going with the crowd or demanding  my rights. When I started walking with God, I voluntarily gave up some of them to become a servant. To do His will not my own. It may not always look perfect, or even a little silly, but my heart is for God. Who else loves like He does? What can the world offer that compares to this? Those in the world only offer what the has shown them. That is all they know. They need to see and know the love that God has for them. So are you willing to look a little foolish.

“For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”……Galatians 2…..I belong to Him.

I really don’t have anything to protest, I may complain a lot.  People are not really going to change unless the Holy Spirit  comes into their life. If they want to change they will. I couldn’t imagine a life without God’s presence, hearing his voice, trusting Him with everyday things. Smiling when He answers even the smallest of prayers. It is kind of fun praying things and trusting Him.  Where do those who do not have the Lord in their life go?

 

 

 

   

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Just thinking here……


For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God….2 Corinthians 1:20.

I think about what promises that I have over my life. Eternal life comes to mind more than anything. Sure I am in, but what about the here and now? What is really guaranteed?  Why am I not doing or seeing more? I pray daily, I believe. Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds?  Why does that seem easier than it sounds? Take my yoke upon you for my burdens are light and easy?  Who ever said that walking with Christ would be easy, is full of beans. The choices you have to make, the battles you fight can be incredible. The battle for the mind is a tough on. Not everyone you meet is a Christian, you can tell by their fruit. They just don’t seem like they are pursuing a life in Christ, when they come at you with their,”It’s all about me”, narcissistic attitude”. You try to kill them with kindness and they still walk all over you. So that is another battle, the tongue, because i sure would like to tell some people where to get off.

So what if one of the promises of following Christ is that it will be easier to do this,” the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23. Only with God’s Spirit within me am I able to put up with some crap. In all reality, some people are lucky I am saved.  It still hurts tho. I am often amazed at what lengths people will go to control and manipulate to get what they want and make themselves look important. What do they think , we are blind, or are stupid? If I am ever that way, please tell me, because I don’t want me to be that way. I try to follow Christ the best I can. I have a fear and an awe of Him that cannot be explained. I often wonder if others think about Him as often as I do? Why do some people’s relationship really flourish with grace and abundance and I am over here trying to figure out if I have done something wrong. Did I miss something here? Was there a class that I missed, some video that I haven’t seen?  I just don’t get why some seem to have it so easy in their walk with God and I have a battle and see things different. Maybe they aren’t as open with their battles. Everyday, it seems like I have to pray about one thing or another. I guess I should be thankful that I am still even in the fight. Am I an easy mark for the enemy, or does God allow this because He knows that I can handle it, or that I may learn?

I found myself thinking about the day that Jesus was carrying the cross to Skull and the torture He faced along the way. Makes my everyday life seem pretty easy.  I don’t have some one beating, or spitting on me while I am driving to work in my heated car. As a Christian here in the US of A, we don’t face much persecution like they do in some countries. We have the freedom to move around and worship as we please. We shouldn’t really have much to complain about, and yet I do. We have so much to be thankful for and we just take it for granted. We complain when we things don’t go our way or we don’t get what we think we are entitled to. There are people out there that would love to have our way of life. Have indoor pluming, or heat in the winter. A steady supply of food and the ability to pay for it.  A house to clean and a yard to mow.  Yet I want more?  More stuff to worry about and the room to take care of it. When will I be content. Actually it is all just stuff and someday it will all burn. Success looks different to me, a deep relationship with God, hearing His voice, or see a miracle, or have a prayer answered.   Every day that I can wake up and thank Him for another day is success. There is always another battle to fight.

God probably takes care of me in more ways than I can explain. Things that don’t happen and could have, the disasters that were averted. Sure I had a motorcycle accident, but I didn’t die and I am still here. Why is one surprised when they come under attack. There must be some that don’t even know that they are under attack. Maybe I just have more lessons to learn. Caleb was still fighting when He was eighty. He cashed in his promise from Moses.  So as far as promises over my life, I have a new heart, and I am a new creation, the old man is gone and the new one is here.  I will see goodness and kindness rule the day, and grace and mercy are going to follow me all of my days. I am loved and His light will always shine over me.  There will always be good days and bad days. I try to find joy in the journey. Not everyone will come along side and help you.  I appreciate those that will.

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Redeemed….


To compensate for the faults or bad aspects of (something), do something that compensates for poor past performance or behavior, free from blame, save someone from sin, error, or evil, fulfill or carry out (a pledge or promise).

The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: “The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that’s the real life.” Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: “The one who does these things [rule-keeping] continues to live by them.”  Christ redeemed us from that self-defeating, cursed life by absorbing it completely into himself. Do you remember the Scripture that says, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”? That is what happened when Jesus was nailed to the cross: He became a curse, and at the same time dissolved the curse. And now, because of that, the air is cleared and we can see that Abraham’s blessing is present and available for non-Jews, too. We are all able to receive God’s life, his Spirit, in and with us by believing—just the way Abraham received it….Galatians 3:11-14….The Message.

Redeemed, how can you even describe what that looks like.  Christ came into my life to redeem me. Here i am living in a sub par mindset that I am not good enough. That I will never measure up to someone elses expectations. Who cares, I’M Redeemed. I have been bought with a price and there is freedom behind that price tag. It may take a life time to become the new me, it will be so totally worth it. Who wants to follow some rules that were impossible to follow in the first place. When I think of being redeemed, I think that I am not the person who I used to be. I am new, I am free, and I can be kinda weird if I want to be. I am free to be the person God created me to be, not someone elses expectation, or idea, or mini me. I am not a carbon copy of someone else. It is okay to have a different view point. I am here to receive God’s spirit, and to walk in it. I am here to no longer be a slave to fear, or doubt, or low self esteem. I am here to be confident, to be bold, to have authority. I am here to be the man God is calling me to be.

 

 

 

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I’m just not sure……


I woke up this morning with a far away thought about, “who am I”?.  I am one thing to one person and another to someone else. Some see me one way and some see me another. Some look down on you and some don’t even know you are there. I am surely not all those deeds I have done. I am not a accident victim, even tho i have scars to prove it. I am not an airman no more, even tho I have pictures to show that I was. I am not that so called slob and loud mouth trouble maker that all the teachers said i was, when I was in school. I am not a convict anymore, even tho I have proof that I was at one time. I am not all those mistakes or wrong choices that I have made all my life. All those nightmares that I wish I wouldn’t have done. I struggle with identity a lot. Then there is always some one who labels you, or misjudges you. When they see you they always remember the time you did this or said that.  “If memories are all i played, I’d rather drive a truck”, Ricky Nelson. Am I just a bad memory to some people. Why is it I allow people to crap on me and I just sit there and take it? Does that make you a bigger man when you do? Is that what it my identity in Christ is,,One who gets crapped on?

I started playing the introvert card because I thought it was who I am. I thought cool, this is some identity that fits. I can use it as an excuse to be alone, avoid people and hide in my own little world. Yes, now i can finally be someone.  I can portray myself as some deep thinking mythology type. I am so wise. Look at me, I can jumble some words around and sound important. I write a blog, surely I have arrived. NOT.  As i sink back in my chair, eating beans and weenies and think about how lonely I can be some times. How I hide myself in self righteousness and arrogance. How I can sit in my recliner and hide behind a keyboard and pretend everything is okay when inside I feel like i am dying. The turmoil that goes on in my brain is tremendous. I know what I ought to do, but don’t and so on.  I can see why I don’t have too many friends, I can be an ass. If I was in a boxing ring with myself, I am not sure who would win. I can beat myself up pretty good. I am not sure is it humility or self pity. They seem to blur together at times.  It seems the list of who I am not is longer than the list of who I think I am.  I know who I am, “Joseph, master of fuck ups and carrier of low self esteem”. I can sure take it personal when something goes wrong and I immediately take it to heart. It usually is my fault anyway, so at times I wonder why even bother trying. Then it is damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I cannot win.

I do like it quiet tho. There are some introvert aspects i do like. Like getting lost in a book, or a movie, avoiding small talk or sailing away to some good music with my headphones on. It seems easier to hide from people and avoid their bullshit than rather than sit there and judge them and feel annoyed. That’s why I think there is something wrong with me. It is easier to not let people in rather than sit there and think they are judging me and picking out my faults. Paranoia will destroy ya. I could see why Elijah would hide in a cave, less people to deal with. I could see myself in a couple of more years yelling at kids to get off my lawn,,,oh wait I do that now. The enemy wants me to see myself as this low life no good village idiot. I could suck up encouragement like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, yet then I would sit and think about what is true and what is told to me just to shut me up. I have a tough time discerning what is true and what is bullshit. I don’t just want to latch onto something like a spiritual junkie. Here i sit in some self pity party, poor Joe doesn’t have any friends or doesn’t even know who he is anymore. Who really cares anymore? Maybe I just live in some fantasy world in my mind where i think I am the only one is right.

Well God seems to care. At least I hope so. He knows who I am, who I am going to be. He doesn’t mind what I have gone through to get where I am today. I have asked Him so many questions that I have not gotten an answer for. I think I just need some big flashing sign in front of me telling me what I need to know, because I have certainly missed it.  Sure I have faith, but at times it may need to recharged.  Sure I think too much, make up excuses and drink too much coffee, but you know I just want to be sure. I want to know that I know. I want an answer from God that I can take to the bank. Hey God I am down here listening and waiting, you’ll have to speak up because the ears of my heart are not working so well today….

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Be Me……..


I am wondering how people can say 2016 was such a bad year? How can we separate it from any other year. I have had worse years. I have had better years. What do we base the measurement upon, where is the bar set. What do you compare it to? People die every year, so that’s nothing new. We are all a year older. The Life cycle is still spinning. Sure there are some things that are different. I think I have more grey hair, and have put on a few pounds. I feel like I do not know where i am going in life and the possibilities are endless and I do not know which way to turn. I am still trying to figure what way is up and what way  is forward. I Am not sure on what direction God is leading me, but I think I am going some where. I feel like a small row boat floating in the middle of the ocean and i am not sure what way i am going. Sure I had a Topsy-turvey kind of a year, but it made for good conversation. I am still here, and God knows why. He hasn’t quite shared with me yet. I have asked and even sought prophetic words and still don’t have a clue. Maybe it is better not knowing, I would hate to think that I have arrived.

Quietness is still some thing that remains to be cherished.  The quiet moments that I spend alone with God are incredible. In a world with hustle and bustle, quietness is a gift. We are constantly bombarded with noise, I am secretly glad we do not have cable. We have a constant barrage of being told what to think, and how to act, and how we should smell, and what we should wear.  We are being constantly told what to do, and what not to do. How we need to conform to society so someone can make an almighty dollar on your performance. The customer is always right, while deep down we all know that it is a crock of crap. It is almost like control and manipulation is the power of today. Shame and guilt are my favorite motivators, said no one ever. I think the turn and burn mentality has passed away. What good did it do to try to live under some law that you couldn’t satisfy in the first place. I am sorry, I don’t need more rules placed upon me. I often wonder about people who try to tell me how to live my life, when their’s is certainly out of control.  I think God wants to do away with pecking orders and hierarchy.  Some people are going to be in for a shock someday, and I will be one of them.

Since the big crash of 2016, I have become more introspective of my surroundings. My internal world.  I have been digging into who am I, what does it mean to be an introvert, and how does walking with Jesus tie in with that. There seems to be a conflict of interest at times. Some people are lucky that thought bubbles do not appear above my head, and some are lucky I can control my tongue. They don’t know about my secret ability to slip back into my spirit and not hear a single word they say. I can even nod my head to make it seem like I am listening. Why is it people remember the things you do wrong more than the things you do right?  I can never figure out why some think I am the village idiot and treat me accordingly. If they only knew how much self control it does take to tell someone to quit being an ass. Am I sub human that i need to be controlled?  There are some days where I just want to crawl into a cave and hide from all people. The constant flow of thoughts that keep going through my mind about life is never ending. It is funny that I am not crazy, or am I? Just because I see things different than you doesn’t mean I am wrong.

If the cross came to set one man free, then it came to set everyone free. We all live under the same umbrella of love and grace. We all deserve to be respected.  In my mind we should not put people on a pedestal. I always liked where Jesus said that those without sin should cast the first stone. There are still those who are winding up for that first pitch. Who say that I am better than you, so I am going to throw it as hard as I can and I hope to do some damage. It is not so much the throwing, but the intent that I see that you were going to. There is damage in my heart and in my mind that needs to be repaired. Then when people stack on troubles like cord wood, it is hard to see what the initial wound was in the first place. Some of us, well mainly me anyway, take things way too personally and can run in a thousand different directions with any given thought on any given day.  I tend to see more harm in some words, rather than good. I may look like some tough guy on the surface, in reality, I am a sensitive caring little boy who wonders why people treat each other the way that they do. Apparently in this world it is not okay to be that way. I am not some cry baby who needs a pacifier every time my feelings get hurt, but it does help me to see how some people truly are and that turns me off. Life is too short to put up with what I perceive to be other peoples crap. Am I called to love you, well sure I am, but I prefer it long distant. You don’t give pearls to a swine.

So what is going to be new for me this year, I will be just listening. And praying. You live your life the way you see fit, If you want to love me, then love me. In the words of Lesley Gore……….

You don’t own me
I’m not just one of your many toys…..And don’t tell me what to do
Don’t tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display ’cause….You don’t own me
Don’t try to change me in any way
You don’t own me
Don’t tie me down ’cause I’d never stay…I don’t tell you what to say
I don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you….I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please……..I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
To live…(edited)

Jesus Came to give me freedom and I am taking it back, my freedom will not be stolen from me anymore….