1. the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.
2. an event or circumstance that causes one to have a feeling of frustration
3. the prevention of the progress, success, or fulfillment of something.
Synonyms: exasperation, annoyance, anger, vexation, irritation
vex·a·tion: the state of being annoyed, frustrated, or worried.
Romans 8:20-21, “For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”
To say that I have been in a perpetual state of frustration would be putting it mildly. Every time i turn around there has been chaos right into my face. I am not sure where to turn and who can you trust? Attacking my dreams with irregular codes or numeric combinations that do not seem to fit, to dealing with people with their irrelevant disregard for no one but themselves. My God if you can not see what is going on, you could be a part of the problem. There is such a wicked prescience in the air, it almost chokes you out when you breathe. It’s like the walls are caving in and no one is even noticing. It has been eating at me, gnawing at my insides and everything seems calm on the outside, but deep within me i am ready to snap. You wouldn’t like me when I am angry. I am one crabby sarcastic person. and then some. We live in an age where we are over worked, tremendous amount of stress is crammed down our throats, and it seems to be normal to those who do the cramming. Then it brings out the ugly in people, they lie and cheat to get their way. They will crap on someone else and let them take the blame instead of owning up to their shortcomings. It truly is dog eat dog. I think at times, Lord take me home, I have had enough.
Yet I am still here. So I try to make the best of it. What else can I do, people aren’t going to change, unless they have to. It’s like look, Jesus is coming, I better be good, or change my theology. Oh false alarm, I’ll start loving some one tomorrow. I don’t need to change, unless I have to. I can’t change anyone but me. I know that I carry around some extra baggage. I have resentment and bitterness hiding somewhere in the closets of my heart. I have anger and hurt hiding in a closet across the hall. No one knows that I am hiding these things, or why. I too can be like the rest of the world and hide, heck i can even hide them in plain sight. I can do pretty good, until something triggers those doors to fly open and it will shut me down. I will look for ways to hide, just like a cockroach exposed to the light. The memories will explode into my brain and i will tell myself that i won’t let it happen again. But it will. I will be angry, bitter, and frustrated until i can beat it back into the closet.
In the book, The Shack, there is a part where Papa and Mack are discussing forgiveness. Papa tells Mack to forgive and give it to Him. Mack says that He doesn’t know if he can. Papa says you must, give that pain to me. As much as I myself try, I find myself over and over asking for God’s help. I find myself asking why am I this way, and why did that hurt me, and why didn’t I just feel like a much-loved child. I understand why i became rebellious and did the things that i did, it was an escape. Being in prison isn’t so bad, when you don’t want to deal with the rest of the world. Alcohol and drugs just numb the pain, until you forget, and the you wake up in the morning and it is sitting there grinning at you, asking you if your head hurts and let’s get going cause nothing has changed, you still have the same problems, it’s just a new day, and baby it’s cold outside.
I think that more over at times I am disappointed with myself. It is hard when things don’t go right, or I don’t handle criticism very well. I take things to personally and I am offended easily, but you wouldn’t know it. I find it is just better to keep things to yourself. So I have long conversations with God and myself. I think He just gives me strength to endure, at times nothing seems to get better in my head, but we wake up in the morning and try again. I am told that I am too hard on myself, to lighten up, I would if I knew how. What does it even look like? I think of all these things I should do, or would like to do and I find myself frozen and wondering where to start. I thought life would be much different than this and I would be in a different place than I am, well to be honest i never knew where I was going in the first place, I just ran away and tried to hide. I thought my walk with God would be much different than what it is now also. I would be on some perpetual high and life would be all peaches and cream, there would be no pumps in the road and it would be nothing but easy street. I am not complaing, but has been just the oppisite. It has been like I am the one hanging on to God, because if i let go, i would be falling and falling. I thought God would be hanging on to me. All those plaques with the Footstep quotes I thought was backwards at times. I was the one carrying Jesus when there was only one set of footprints. If you haven’t felt like God has locked you up in the closet and beat the crap out of you and then said follow me, you have a long ways to go.
It takes a lot of faith to continue to walk with God once the honeymoon is over. I know in the end that it will be worth it, if you are not going through the tough stuff, then how else will you know if you have faith and hope. You just can’t pop down to the local store and buy it off the shelf, you earn it and use it.
I have beat my head against so many walls, now I falling down on my knees….