I am finding that the hardest thing to do is to step away from the computer. Everywhere you turn you see the same old thing. Everyone has an opinion how things should be. At times i can’t even think straight. The world is getting weirder everyday. Riots here, protests there, this town is burning, that town is burning and so on. Wear your mask or you’ll get the plague. conform to society even if you don’t want to. The virus is causing our business to lose money, guess what, you’re fired. We need to let you go, so others can keep their job. Then you think you’ll get unemployment and that is not going as expected. As my wife said two steps forward and three steps back. when you think it is going good, something comes along and kicks you in the crotch and says, not today, you can’t get ahead. then is steam rolls into a bunch of petty things and you are on the edge of madness. The dog barking at 5 am, or the shade not working, or just something as simple as putting something on the shelf in the garage. FYI, don’t wear your flip flops while getting on a step ladder, your toes will catch on the edge of the ladder, the ladder will tip over while your toe stays in the same place. uffda…
It’s not only that, it’s other things that go on in your mind. You wonder if you’ll find work, what am i going to do now, will i pick the right thing? then you find you don’t know what to do with yourself. sure there are projects, but you find you cannot spend the money like you used to. So you are on a budget. You find things that you can do that take up your time, like playing Nintendo, you can only do that for a short time and then you feel guilty for wasting half your day. My wife is good at finding me things to do. i have done more cleaning and laundry in the last two months than ever. Sometimes i just don’t feel like doing anything. I am very good at sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. riding a wild train of thought from to people like me, to what do people think to God are you still there. I do get plenty of exercise everyday, walking the dog to wrestling with doubt and self worth to painting the house, just the other day i think i made twenty trips up and down the stairs. I am not a train wreck, it just feels that way some days. Little things give me anxiety and i find myself doing a lot of deep sighing lately. I think i asked God for a suddenly moment, and this is not what i expected. I have to admit i do not miss the stress and anxiety that came from that last position. I told God that i just wanted to be happy. I get to go to the dentist again.
In all i shouldn’t really complain. I am not dead, i have a house and food to eat. I have God in my life, or at times i think i do. It’s like hey God, i am down here, can you see me? I am the one jumping up and down trying to get you attention. Oh you do see me? Can you help me with this next phase of my life? I really don’t have a clue to what i am doing. I am afraid if i do do something, i will make a mess of it and i will again have to ask for more help. So i guess i am just waiting. The world wants you to stay busy, it’s like look, Jesus is coming we better get busy doing the right thing. Whatever that may be. What if God really does have everything under control. What if really does want to be your provider. To provide manna in the desert, or be an oasis in the tough times to give you a cool drink. What if we are just making, trust God, harder than it really should be? i know that i can run off in a thousand different tangents in my mind and none of them will be correct. I think, i think too much. Too much time on my hands. I am okay, or i think i am okay, How do you know? what do you compare it to? who’s to say? Am i crazy? I long for days when life was simple, when i thought i had friends, where did all those people go? *Disclaimer*,,there is nothing wrong with us, this is just things i think about***. I had to add that in there, sometimes it helps to just get things out of your head.
What will the future bring? Who knows, i am just thankful every day that i wake up. i want to be in a good mood, but it doesn’t always happen. God is still up there and His throne, building a place for us to live. I am just down here trying to get it right, whatever that looks like. It would be funny when I get to heaven and old St. Peter really does say that what we thought was sin, or what we thought was wrong really didn’t matter. We will find out that politics and power and prestige really didn’t matter. How much money i had in the bank, or what kind of house i lived in, what kind of car i drove, clothes i wore, or what i had for supper. How much energy i wasted to try to look good, or be liked. What really mattered was that I loved God and I loved others.The world will make you happy for a very fleeting moment, then it will fade away and you will be looking for that next moment, but God will make you happy for eternity with an everlasting joy. Some days i just need a spiritual hug, a pat on the back and some reassurance that it will all work out fine. today is one of those days.