Process….

I asked my wife if i will ever be normal again? I had to rephrase that and say walk normal again. I had to wonder what is normal after she asked me if I was ever normal. What may seem normal to me may be weird to you. Are any of us normal? Who set the bar on what normal is? Were they just as quirky as the rest of us. I am afraid that i am becoming dyslexic. switching numbers around and letters. Is that normal?  Me, I like it quiet in the morning. What I am saying is we all see things in a different way.  We all have different perceptions on how things should go, and most of the time we all think that we are right. Sometimes we are right,,,,but what if you’re not.  How do you handle that? What if you are misjudged, or you motives are not clear? What if the way I read something and the way you read something is complete opposite? Who’s wrong and who is right? We all have different ideas on how life should be.

We all make mistakes and misjudge somethings in life. If you think you don’t, you just have. No one has all the answers. I personally am tired of making mistakes. I feel that I am constantly criticizing myself and looking at what I did wrong, or I am afraid I did something wrong. Why is it that our first response is, what did i do wrong. I think i am afraid of some form of punishment. You filled out that report wrong, or you forgot to do something, or you didn’t do it the way i wanted you to do. Go stand in the corner until i figure out what to do with you. Always in fear that someone will see my faults and find me unlovable. It hurts. Just waiting for another ass chewing that will tear down my self esteem and make me feel worthless again. I think that i am hardest on myself and that needs to stop. It’s okay to make mistakes.  No matter what anybody says. You should not be punished for learning.

In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. He knew what He was doing and He knew He wanted someone like you on this planet. In this place and time, He thought of you. He knew your quirks and thoughts. He knew the choices you would make and how many times you would fall on your face. He knew how many times He would have to pick you up and brush you off and He would do it all with a smile, Most of all He knew your heart. That deep down there would be a seed of love that would need to be nurtured into growth. That would have to be watered and cared for and coaxed out of hiding.  He knew that you would need solid ground, a firm foundation to stand on.  You would need life and a chance to grow. He knew that you would need salvation. You would need to be saved from the wickedness that seems to be around every corner.

So He sent some guy by the name of Jesus. People thought He was weird and did things that weren’t normal. Yet people followed Him by the thousands. They flocked to hear what He had to say. People follow Him whole heatedly.  Who else has the words of life? Who else makes your heart burn with love from within. Who else loves you like He does. He looks at my quirks and weirdness and calls it character.  He calls me unique and special. He sees in me what others do not. He found me worthy. I don’t know what others find me as. I can be a very stubborn person who will not give up and push it to the limit.  Such as walking without my boot on, or my crutches. I will do things that I shouldn’t be doing. I am not a quitter. I will try harder than most to get better. Where there is a will, there is a way. I can do all things in Christ Jesus. There is no deadlines with Jesus. There is process, and that process is meant to be enjoyed.

 

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perspectives…

I don’t know about you, but there are some days I really question things. Like, Am i still loving God, even though i haven’t had a conversation with Him in a coupe of weeks. Am I really doing the right thing, do You still hear my prayers,  why do I have so many issues and am I still Your favorite?  I started questioning my faith, doubt and fears start to over whelm me. I begin to question everything, am i doing a good job, is there something wrong with me and why does it seem like everything happens to me all the time? These questions plague my mind. Am i going nuts, all aboard, the next train to the funny farm is leaving on track three in ten minutes, don’t forget to pack your straight jacket. It seems like every where you turn people are giving advice, you should do this or try that, maybe you need more of this or less of that. Advice is flying from every direction and you wonder how it got so complicated in the first place. Who or what do you believe? Where does it end? Silly me…..

I know some people are helpful and they try, but i have to confess that i don’t bite on every hook that goes by. I have walls up and a guard up.  I just have a hard time trusting. I can with draw pretty easy, and that’s where i am at today. My club foot and I are just hanging out. Someday i will be healed and in the meantime i am learning to be a patient. Most of the time i think i worry about what others think and wonder what God thinks. You would think that it doesn’t matter what others think, but deep down it does. Am i likable, lovable, is there someone who really cares?  So you try to grab onto some crumb that might give your heart a boost and hope that you can make it through another day.  Maybe the next nugget will give me the boost of confidence that i need to put a smile on my face. Then you turn around and there is another disappointment waiting around the corner and you feel the next sigh going out of your body and you think, when will it end.

Then i think about all the promises that I can remember that God has shown me. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will never stop loving me. He will never stop caring or meeting my needs. He is a good Father and likes to take care of me. I am His friend and He takes great joy in me. He has always helped me go down every hard road that I have traveled on. What you may see as troubles, God shows me more. A learning experience, or just another chance to show me love. Although i am beat up and bruised, and have my share of scars, God loves a mess like myself. If you don’t know it by now, God cares. So it has been sixty some days that i have had to have my new friends the crutches with me.  I found out last week that the doctors and nurses are impressed with the progress i have made in my recovery. I have to Give the credit to God, if it wasn’t for Him, i am sure it would be much worse.  They said this is the worse break they have seen and they are amazed at the recovery. So His goodness still prevails, and for that I am truly thankful. There is still more to come, but I am thankful for every day and a new opportunity.

What tomorrow brings is a bonus. You find ways to overcome and adapt. There is no quitting, you can always find another way to beat them. God will never give up on you. You can make it through anything. If anything my life can attest to that. God is for you, it may not always look like that, but He is.  You may feel like you have been thrown into a closet and beat up, but it is part of the growing up process. I wonder about those who  haven’t?

He Is smiling over you….

You cannot run and hide from the presence of the Lord. He invades my dreams and gives me a raise. He is with me where ever i go. I don’t always see His plan, or have a faintest idea of what the outcome will be in any situation. I have no choice but to trust. In His infinite wisdom and relentless love for me, He cares. I may have worries for tomorrow, but He says to just enjoy today. He can breathe life into my weary old bones and put a smile on my face even when no one knows what I am grinning about.  He let’s me dream big and yet cares about even the smallest details. Nothing can escape His sight. There is nothing happening without His knowing. He has worked out every detail.  Yet I still worry, have doubts and wonder. There is comfort in His love, and at times I forget to run into His waiting arms. I just want to be held by Him and know everything is going to be just fine. A peace that will wash away all my doubts.  I want to be comforted like i have never been comforted before. Touch my heart and make me whole again. I just don’t want to wander through life and not be satisfied by the Love of God. I do not want the ordinary anymore. I feel that there is something that I have missed out on my whole life, and i don’t want to miss out any more.

Things take time, bones will heal, pain will subside and tears will be wiped away.  The love of God will always be there. From one mess to the next He is helping you grow in life. He loves your messes, it is good fertile ground to help you build character. At times I feel like my whole life is a mess. One disaster after another. One hardship blurring into the next. There is more to the Book of Job, than you can imagine. At times to me it is so surreal. In a nut shell, there is always some one who tries to give you advice, or what they think is a word from God. I have to confess I have a hard time believing some of those words.  In the words of Jimmy Buffet, “Wasted away again in Margaritaville Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.   Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
But I know, it’s my own damn fault.”  Most of the time i feel like it is my fault. Is everyone’s life like this? Things are always a constant battle? It has been so long, I don’t even remember when something went in my favor.

Then there was this one day. A man took my place. He was spit on, taunted, ridiculed, beaten, whipped and put on a cross. Hung in display of all those who mocked Him. All those who could not understand what was going on in the moment. Yet my Lord took all this, so that I may have life, salvation, a hope.  He was thinking of all of us at that moment. He did it out of love. He did it knowing that I would have days like this.  That I needed a savior. He gave of Himself that I might have life and joy. That I may know what Love is and to share it with others, That I might see compassion and be able to pass it on. That I may have a hope and a future. That I may have a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone. That I may have today and so much to be thankful for. That I may have somewhere to cast fear and anxiety onto, because they do not belong to me. His Spirit is in us and it is winning.

Can you see the real me…….

I am just tired. Tired of aching all the time, hurting all the time.

I am tired of  asking why, the question never gets answered.

I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault.

I am tired of feeling like i am to blame.

I am tired of trying to meet others expectations.

I am tired of misinterpreting others comments and feeling like i did something wrong.

I am tired of one sided friendships.

I am tired of stress.

I am tired of being unhappy.

I am tired of doing someone else’s work.

i am tired of giving and giving.

I am tired of feeling like i am a burden.

I am tired of being impatient.

I am tired of looking for a ray of sunshine.

I am tired of advice.

I am tired of false hope.

I am tired of phony people.

I am tired of expectations.

I am tired of feeling like i am just barely hanging on.

I am tired of the pain and anguish.

I am tired of sadness.

I am tired of loneliness.

Most of all i am just tired. I was happy once and then reality set in, work, bills, and so on. I did not ask for this, but know i have it and it is the worse. Being introverted does not help. I am tired of living in my head. I think my heart is empty and all i hear is the wind whipping down an empty corridor. Who will help me, who will set me free?  I long to go home to a place where none of this exists. As on earth as it is in heaven, when does this happen?  Nobody knows, i can wear my mask with the best of them.

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Somewhere deep down inside i am crying out to God, in a voice that only He can hear.

I am thankful for salvation.

 

 

I’m picking them up and laying them down….

Write, or not to write, what what what.  There can be so many ideas floating through my head, i don’t know where to turn. It is beautiful almost fifty degree weather, the sun is out, Suns out Guns out, so my friend and her son  would say. I love it. For those who are out of the loop, flex your arms.  Show those cannons. You got muscles. I had skinny arms until i started working construction, laying blocks and pouring concrete. that will give you some muscles. I have laid down many foundations in my day. Now I am old and getting wore out. Nobody wants to work hard anymore.

I am tired of having this broken ankle, asking for help, i really don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I am afraid that i will be a giant pain in the ass to someone. Asking for help is a stretch for me. I am used to doing things on my own. There are sometimes that you have to ask for help. I hate asking because i am afraid of what some one might think of me. Or feel like no one really wants to help me anyway,,,i’m a burden. How do you shake that? I even wonder that about God, does He know that I am here. Are You listening? Can you hear me,,,,Hello it’s me again, I have another problem.  Can you fix this, or just please help me,,,,again. Some days I wonder if I even exist. I said to my wife that I thought we were going to have a good year. Then this happens? Hello God,,,,it’s me again,,,a good year? Is this part of the plan? Why wasn’t I clued in? Oh the consider it pure joy thing, It takes every ounce of my being sometimes. I would cry out for rescue, but i am sure you would just say, never the less,  and have patience and wait and see. I have made you, you belong to Me and I have it all under control. ,,,,,,Uffda,,,Lord.

So you keep on trying, looking for a ray of sunshine around every corner. Hoping and praying that i can make it through another day. No one knows your pains r your struggles. you just try to put on a happy face and try and push through it. I am thinking to myself, how many other people struggle to just get out of bed each day? Fumble through life, hoping no one notices my faults, and have a hard time believing that someone cares. Have seen enough phony to know when something is not real, and knows when someone is just putting on a show. How many are hurting deep down inside and afraid of just letting their guard down, or a touch, a warm smile, or a helping hand. We don’t know what some one else is going through, and they don’t know how afraid we are to just show a little vulnerability. What show a sign of weakness in front of someone else? Surely must be joking, I am a mighty man of God. I am not and stop calling me surely. In weakness and vulnerability there is strength. You overcome something and tear down walls that you took a lifetime to build.

We have grown up in a society that is afraid. Afraid to let someone see my soft side, my nice side. It is OK to say i am sorry, or i was wrong. I do not have all the answers.  I am just tired of carrying burdens that were probably made up in my own mind. Like so nice luggage that probably looked good when it was new, now looks like some tattered rags that i still entertain in the deep crevices of my mind. I think to myself, why is this even an issue anymore, only to dismiss it for a while. Then a pick it up like it is some new shiny penny and feed it more lies so it grows as big as it once was. Rinse and repeat. She’ll be coming around the mountain when she comes, over and over until someday I stop and say enough, Lord help me out of this rut that I have put myself in. Heck, i couldn’t read a sign if it slapped me in the face and declared what is was and why, I would look for a sign to verify that sign. Lord, show me again, three or for time because i am afraid to commit. It is funny that any of us are even sane at all.

Yet day after day I rely on the Lord. I can’t remember what life was like without Him. Maybe it was a different kind of chaos. Now it seems like chaos with a purpose where i am perplexed, but I know I am loved. I turn to Him in prayer, but at times wonder what the outcome will be. God doesn’t wave some magic wand and abracadabra, everything is fixed. There is always process, and journey. I have come to far to expect anything different than insecurity in what God is doing, to only find there is security in Him. There is no pattern, formula, or predicted outcome. There is only faith. He will never leave or forsake, abandon, of unlove you. He will never give up, or crush you. All He does is care, He has you best interest in mind, and He always has a plan. At times it is hard to believe and you wonder what He is up to, because He is always up to something. In the end all I really have is faith, hope and trust. In reality, He making me and breaking me. He is doing it all out of love.

 

All you need is love…..

Outside my window there is a fresh fall of snow. Everything covered in a fresh coating of white. It came down in a furious rage , carried by a howling wind. The trees were whipping back and forth, and you could barely see across the street.  It’s depths kept growing, inch after inch in a few hours. That wet heavy stuff that clung to the window, making it hard to see. We sat here in our chairs, broken foot up on pillows, wondering if we would make it to the hospital the next day. It took me back to a time were we would judge how bad the snow was by if we could see the lights of the town that was a mile and a half away. A time where life was much simpler, when the power would go out for three days and you would read books and play board games to pass the time away.  I don’t remember what year it was, but it was exciting. I think I read three or four “Little House on the Prairie” books in a three day period. Now that was a snowstorm.

Life was different then.  A simpler time, well maybe not for a teenager who was trying to find who he was in life.  My days were filled with spinning my records on my record player and trying to fumble my way through school. Trying to fit in and realizing that i was not one of the cool kids. The endless barrage of teasing and ridiculing would drive me deeper and deeper into my own pit of despair. It is a wonder that anyone even survives high school. Kids are mean, and can be very cruel. You can’t say or do anything, you get nobody listens, and so and so who never do that, he’s such a good child, his parents are good citizens of this town. So you stuff it and stuff it and you cannot wait to get out of this one horse town. You are labeled, and a Steely Dan song goes through your mind, “And I’m never going back To my old school”. It has been thirty-five years since i have graduated, and I still don’t have nothing to do with my classmates. Maybe i burnt that bridge a long time ago and i am too old to rebuild it. I just don’t know why i would want to go there anyway.

I started writing this with the intent of bashing Hollywood. For the life of me, I can’t remember why. They are just actors and actresses who think they can make a political point, am I any different? Hey, I just want to be heard too. Can I make a change, or make a difference in the world? Do I sound like one of those kids who try to bully someone else into my own way of thinking? I have the right to have my voice heard, just like it is my right to drive, own a gun and worship Jesus. These are rights, not privileges. Listen to me on my political soap box. There will always be someone who disagrees with you and thinks that they have a better idea than you do. In the end it will probably not matter. It seems that the same political arguments have been going on for thousands of years. The faces  have just changed that is all. There is only one savior, and he goes by the name of Jesus Christ.  There will be a day when every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.

As for the record, who am I? I am broken bone man, or the guy who keeps writing blogs that probably only three people read, man. It is too much work to be Batman anymore. I stare out my windows and I am curious to what my neighbors are up too. I am thankful for those who come and move my snow. It takes a lot of pressure off this household. So in reality i am Captain Thankful Man, able to see areas to be thankful in a single bound, can send a thankful prayer off to God faster than a speeding bullet. Oh I crack myself up. There is much to be thankful for. I go back to work in a few days, it is nice to be off, but it is also nice to do something other than surf the world wide web and watch the idiot box, be a slave to my dog, feed me, and let me outside. There will be a day where i will miss being off and you have to battle the stress of all the village idiots that will be unthankful and in demand for what they think they are entitled too. Who feel you are not moving fast enough to please their appetite. I think there is going to be a new level of peace at work, because of who I travel with. Greater is He that is in me, than who is in the world.

 

slip sliding away……

We sit in wait of the weather. Waiting for the next round of the snowmageddon coming. Right now they are talking about being on the edge of freezing rain, or one to three inches per hour  of that wet heavy snow to come. You know the stuff, it’s like you are shoveling more water than snow. Well at least we don’t have to deal with a nor’easter and not having power and wondering how am i going to get my next cup of coffee. All I can do is stand by the window on one leg, like a flamingo and watch. You may not know it but i have this problem with my right foot, it is broken in three places, and i am the proud recipient of nine screws and a plate. I still don’t think I have recovered from the motorcycle accident. I still don’t know what’s going on. I have had stitches more times than i can remember and the scars to prove it. It is like i just keep getting beat up and i keep bouncing back. I don’t know how much more i can take. I am not even old yet, well someone in their twenties would think that i am ancient.  This has to be the hardest tho.

I must be blind to some things. Some say that this is a blessing in disguise. I wonder what blessings look like without a disguise on. I think I need to see my blessings in more of a black in white scenario, with about three or four confirmations and a sign from God.  This is some blessing, being uncomfortable,, a pain in my ankle, and a battle to get to the bathroom. Forgive me, I am trying to stay positive here. I feel bad that my misses has to feel like she needs to do more, or that i have to ask for help on things that i can do myself, well myself with two good feet. She will be worried about the snow storm and how are we going to keep our driveway and sidewalk clean? All I can do is sit and wonder why the neighbor keeps throwing cobs of corn out for the squirrels to eat and the squirrels keep dragging it all over the neighborhood. This spring, everyone’s yards will look like a corn field. That love your neighbor thing is hard to do at times.

All things happen for a reason. Do you think that’s true? I have pondered this for a while. What could be the reason? Sometimes you might not find out until later. I am sure that God has a purpose and a plan, but sometimes it may not unfold until later. What if the locusts came, God could have prevented that, but He made a provision afterward. I struggle with this one. God allows things to happen, but we may never know why for a long time. I asked God about the broken foot, and all I heard was that there are still lessons to be learned. He did not say who has to learn, or what the lessons were.  The first thing I learned is that there is still goodness in this world.  For example, I struggled with a constant barrage of negativity at work. Patients with their constant belittling and arguing about getting their stuff. It can suck the life right out of you. So my prayer has been to see the goodness in the land. As I was laying there in the snow, waiting for the ambulance to come, i got to chat with more of my neighbors than usual. (this happened a block from my house). They all came out to see if I was okay.  I was able to share this testimony in the emergency room at the local hospital, as they were straightening my foot out to take x-rays. So why do things happen, I never seem to know why. I guess if we knew why, we would skip the process of getting there and go right for the answer and never really learn anything along the way.  You cannot have a limit to your understanding.

I also think it is weird that the same two ambulance drivers from my motorcycle crash came to my rescue as i was laying there on the sidewalk. They remembered me and even wanted to see the scar. One driver remarked that he had never seen anything like that on someone who was alive. I guess that is a positive in it’s self.  It is funny how path’s intertwine and cross.  i will never understand. The first night I was home, i laid in bed just trying to be thankful. I tried to think about all the things that I am thankful for. It just seemed out of the ordinary to me to be thankful for this, but i tried. The more i did it, the easier it became. “consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds”, i kept thinking to my self. I was actually surprised that you could find so much to be thankful for. How we rush through life and never once stop and think about these things.  How we take things for granted. How easy it is to hate instead of loving. How easy it is to live in the past and realize that you are the only one living there. It is hard to see the good in someone or something when all you are looking for is fault. Look for the goodness and kindness in others, put your NCIS skills to work, use your spidy senses, because what you are looking for, you will find. It has probably been there the whole time.

I will probably not be doing the hokey pokey for a while. I sit in the chair with my foot up. I have way too much time to think, but even more time to pray. I have a hard time committing to a book to read and will probably regret it later. So if you have read this far, drop me a line or two with a recommendation and an encouragement, a prophecy or some insight. I will appreciate it.

too much time on my hands….

So i am just sitting here, because there’s not much else I can be doing, and I find myself thinking about Moses, and the conversation God must have had with him at the burning bush. Imagine if you will, “Hey Moses, Hey Moses, come over hear, i got something to ask you.” He was probably looking around and thought who is that calling me. Where did that noise come from?  “Hey Moses, it’s Me God, Come over by this bush and we’ll have a little chat”. So Moses strolls over and the bush is telling him to take off his shoes, for this is Holy ground, and he does it. I am sure he must have taken them off in awe and respect of who God is. I forget to take my shoes off at home and my wife tells me something completely different. So God starts having small talk with him and asks, “so what are you doing for the weekend?” “well nothing much, just herding some sheep, but i suspect you might have other plans.” says Moses. God then says,” I need you to hop on down to Egypt and free up a couple of million people in bondage, it will be a piece of cake.”, “How hard can it really be, I will be with you”, says God. I wonder if that really gave Moses any confidence? He still made up excuses, i stutter. God can see past your excuses.

So he is setting free a people group that was in bondage for over four hundred years.  A group of people who don’t know any other way, but to be slaves. They lived through all those plagues, they weren’t harmed, their livestock wasn’t harmed and they left with enough cash to jump start a new country. They saw all these works of God and when it got tough they wanted to go back to the old way of living. God and Moses are having a little chit chat on the mountain and God says , ” you better get back down their, the children are being unruly”. So they had Aaron build a golden calf, and it was another great excuse, I threw this gold into the fire and this came out.  Moses has seen the goodness and kindness of God, and know a whole generation has to die off before they get to go to the promised land. They could have made the trip a lot faster if they didn’t stop to whine and complain every ten minutes. You know there were people who were complaining about Moses and his GPS not working. That were the rumor started about men being afraid to ask for directions. I am sure they could have pulled over and asked one of the locals. You know there was the one guy, “Are there yet, are we they yet”

So fast forward a couple of thousand years. We have had wars and rumors of wars, plagues, disasters, we still have slavery, sickness, disease, famine, dictatorships rise and fall and there are some who want to go back to the way it was. We are now in a new time were a group of people called millennials who want to give up our rights that so many have fought and died for. A group that doesn’t know what life is like without electronics or internet. A group with their hand out, but doesn’t know what hard work is. A group that i feel wants to turn this country back into slavery. A group who doesn’t know the past, but read about it in some watered down school book story. A generation who doesn’t know what it means to pay a cost for something, who cannot see outside their own little box and think of others. Do people really know what it means to be a follower of the Christ? To forgive? They want change, but don’t think about tomorrow. As long as I can have my video games and my idiot box to brainwash me, i will be fine.

As I was laying bed the other night, i found myself being thankful and I just worshiped the Lord. I found so much to be thankful for, broken foot and all. There is so much that is going on with God, that I don’t want to miss any of it. Sure my old self could have sat and had a pity party, why me, a motorcycle accident one year, and less than two years later this happens. It seem ironic to me that the same two guys picked me up.  As i was waiting in the emergency room, i thought I heard God say, that it is not finished yet, and there is more to the story of what is going on that what you can see. Well then I passed out, i wondered if I heard correctly. God has a plan behind everything He does. I am sure from the time that God was talking to Moses at the burning bush, to the time that Moses got to see the promised land, all that time between, Moses just trusted God. God had a plan and Moses just wanted to hang out with God. He didn’t care what God did, as long as he was in God’s presence. There is no security in what God is doing, there is only security in Him. Isn’t that where we all want to be, with Him? Like Moses said, “God show me your glory.” Hide me in that rock if you have to, but show me…….

True Colors…..

Show me a smile then Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing  If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there……Cyndi…

When it comes down to it, who are you really? I can’t remember the last time I cried, or had a real belly laugh.  Yesterday I saw someone’s true colors, they put there own needs in front of someone else’s needs. I was kind of shocked and the more i thought about the more i realized what kind of society we live in. This person truly needs some equipment that will make their quality of life much easier. It would cost the other person a little of their time, but it was too much to pay.

 Do to others as you would have them do to you.  Luke 6

I always thought that the Christian life was to serve and help others,. maybe some didn’t get that memo, or feel that applies to them. I try but sometimes it seems like it is not good enough. there’s that phrase again, you’re not good enough……

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,,,,,,Philippians 2:3

I work in customer service and some days the life is sucked right out of you and at times i feel that is hard to get filled back up. My tank is getting empty and I lay awake thinking about life and why did this happen and why did that happen and where were you God when it was happening. Meanwhile in my other ear the devil is whispering, nobody cares, you are no good, what you do doesn’t matter, you are doing this wrong, or you are doing that wrong. It can be a constant bombardment of fault finding. And I have had enough,

So if you want to encourage then encourage, don’t beat around the bush and bring your bullshit around here. As i look back on my life it is no wonder that i am a mess in my head and in my heart.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace…Ephesians 1:7

Thank God that Jesus came along, He didn’t say get your crap together and follow me. He just said come as you are, we will work it out as we go.

It’s coming…….soon I hope

What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me,,,,,

It’s funny how in a moment you can feel depressed and alone in the world. That old poopy feeling creeps up on you and asks if you if you missed me.  I wonder if something is wrong with me, why is this happening now, and will i sleep tonight. I am sure most of the time it’s my own fault, i blame myself, think of all the things I am doing wrong and give myself a good left hook and hopefully i can pick myself up off the mat before the referee counts to ten. I can beat myself up pretty good and i know all my weaknesses. Feeling sorrow for myself, poor old me. i wonder if tomorrow will be a better day.  Maybe it’s just my introvertedness creeping in and i feel like being alone and running away from everybody and everything. Shutting out the world and sitting in the corner and pouting.

So lately the anxiety attacks have been happening more and more. I was in a store the other day and it was feeling it come on. There were only four or five others in the same aisle but for some reason it was overwhelming to me. This has been happening way to much. I have to hibernate when i get home. I can understand why Gideon was hiding out in a wine press and said that he was the least of his tribe. Or why Elijah hid away in a cave. There was no other person around. There’s a reason why they made self checkouts, to avoid people. In no way am i saying that there was something wrong with these two guys. They are just a couple of guys that I admire quite a bit. I don’t know what to do but hide away and recharged.  Sometimes it feels like it takes days or months or years.

Winter time is tough after the big crash. The aches and pains seem to be heightened when it is cold. I might have to move to Florida where it is warm all the time. Today I got to take the fuzzball for a walk, first time in weeks. Put on a little music, bundle up a little and start walking. It is refreshing to me to block out the world and and soak in the outdoors and walk. I must have worn out the puppy, he’s already in bed.

Well I will get over it, maybe I forgot to pray this morning.  I have been hoping to hear from God, maybe something. I haven’t heard a thing and I am kinda disappointed. Yes I am lacking some patience right now.  Spring is right around the corner and brighter days ahead.