It’s not easy when you are out walking your dog in the morning while it is dark. You have your headphones on and you are jamming away, you can feel the music pumping, and you know no one is watching. You can play air guitar without fear that anyone is watching and fear of looking like a fool. It is a time to set your soul free and enjoy the moment, then a string breaks on your guitar and you realize that they just don’t build them like they used to. Then your mind spirals down into a deep well of thoughts about life and death and Tom Petty you went home too soon. I grew up listening to you and knew when something you put out was going to have a beat to it and in someways touch my insides with a word I could relate too. I enjoy people who can awaken my inner self. That raspy voice, that duet with stevie, the alice in wonderland video, and that confident riff that made you hold your head up and told me what song was starting on that old AM radio that I had. Ah, to be young again.
Memories, we all have them, whether they are good or bad, they are a part of the make up of who we are. I think I drag the worst of mine around in a suitcase and open them up when I feel shitty about myself. When I want to sit in my little pity party and feel bad about myself. I need to lose that one at some far away airport and take the return to sender tag off of it. There are the good memories also, the ones we cherish, the ones that put that secret smile on your face when you need one. The day your son was born, or the day Jesus revealed himself to you or the day your wife sneezed a big loogie onto your forehead and you laughed and laughed together. The days when everything went right and you felt on top of the world. I need more of those. The joy of knowing that you are loved. The things that put a smile on your face and made you feel good inside are the things you should remember most. Music for me can trigger so many memories. The sound track that plays in my head would make an awesome playlist.
Then there is a dark side to being an introvert. The thousands of conversations that plague your mind, why didn’t i say this, or why didn’t i do that? Always why. Always questions without understanding. Nobody can really explain. The hurts that run through your brain, and the vows to never be in that position anymore. I never going to let so and so do that to me again. Then being the nice person you are, it happens again and again, and then it explodes into something really ugly and you ponder it hours later wondering how you allowed that person to do it again. There is some truth to when I get angry, i will shut you out. It is the easiest way i know to protect myself from the pain. For God’s sake, I need to build a wall. I could live in a castle with a huge deep moat and never let the drawbridge down,,,ever. Well as long as I have coffee and WiFi.
Then there is a side that so few get to see. That soft tender side. The side that helps me to love a puppy, to be with my wife for thirty years. There is a compassion that gets trampled on way too many times. A loyalty that can crumble when broken, and observance of others and a constant updating of mental files of who’s naughty and who’s nice. I don’t want to let that happen again. I am not always quick on my feet, but can come up with a good idea, and to many ideas when given time to think. I can easily get lost in a movie or a book and can growl like a sleeping dog when disturbed. I can be my worst critic and can reach around and pat my own back. I love to explore and discover on my own. The things that I treasure, some will not understand and just think it is old junk. When we die our memories will go with us, no one will know or care. Life on this earth will continue on and we will just be someone else’s memory. As time passes we fade into some glory that will be long forgotten, we will not be in some history book. No one will remember what we stood for, or what passion drove us. No one will remember the work we did and what we built or tore down with our two hands. We will just be a branch in some one’s family tree. The food we liked, or what made us sad. The core of our being will be gone.
These are the things I think about. I know that there will be a special place in heaven for me. A seat with my name on it. A coffee mug with my picture on it and a secret brew made just for me. There will be some there shocked that I made it in, and there will be others greeting me with open arms. There will be a great party the day I walk through those pearly gates. All that I endured will be worth it in the end. We will worship the King together and watch the movie of my life. There is no shame in Heaven, so we will probably just watch the good clips, because all the bad crap will be edited out. Might be a short film. All my questions will be answered then. I am sure there will be a Q and A time. The treasures that are in my heart will be shared then, there will be thankfulness and tears of joy. I will look back at life and realize how short it really is, and all the dumb stuff that i worried about because I thought it was important. I just want to have more joy in the journey while I am waiting for that day.