No matter how hard you try, you just can’t make everyone happy. Especially yourself. You try and you try and just nothing works. You feel a little bit of yourself dying by the way. There is no way to please everyone. The demand from people is so intense that you want to explode, yet you try to remain in a calm demeanor. You try to do a good job, hoping not to create more work for someone else. The word perfect is tossed around to casually these days. You have expectations out on others, you think you know what is best for everyone else, and deep down, I don’t even know what is best for myself. You look for encouragement, a life line, only to get pushed down deeper and you feel like you are drowning with no life lines. You would like to phone a friend and you find out that you have been abandoned, left to fight this battle on your own. No one to vent to, or someone who does care you end up sabotaging that relationship because it is easier to run away than be vulnerable one more time.
So you live a life of afraid to make mistakes. You beat yourself up when you feel like you have made another one. I tried so hard, I thought I had the paperwork right the first time. I feel like it is just another blow to my self esteem. I feel like, i look more at what is wring than what is right. What a tangled web your mind can weave, only to ending up catching yourself. You just dig that hole a little deeper. One more shovel full won’t hurt. I can still see daylight. I think you finally get to the point where you do not know where to turn or who to trust. Your mind is a constant bombardment of thoughts you wonder did I dream this or did it really happen. Am I going crazy, maybe I am and this is just some giant matrix and will my team ever win the super bowl. You hang on by a thread hoping that tomorrow is better than today and you find out that Monday just takes off after last weeks chaos and you think that everyone is nuts and you just want to escape the madness that everyone calls reality. Then you realize that this is how society has been for thousands of years and you just want to get away, but Friday is still four more days away.
Then when you do look for help, you see that everyone else is on this sea of madness, and we are on the Titanic and there is an ice berg with our name on it. Each person is caught up in their own little crisis and try to drag you into their chaos. “I need this now”, “I can’t sleep with out i”, “help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”, it’s all you hear all day. You never here, “how can I help you”, or “let me take some of your burden”, “how can I make your life easier?”. It’s like this giant monster called, “it’s all about me”, is out to get you. It sickens you and makes you stay awake at night. You try to feed this monster and make it happy, but it keeps growing and growing. The bigger it gets, the smaller my self worth becomes, I can’t make this monster happy, no matter how hard I try. I can’t please everyone, and I take it personally when they lash out at you because their hunger isn’t satisfied, and they want to make sure to take it out on you even when it’s clearly not my fault. So they use weapons like shame and guilt to try and get you to do their bidding.
Lies, all lies, and i am the fool for believing them Your poor planning or your inadequacies are not my fault or my problem. Your guilt and shame have no power over me. How dare some people use control and manipulation to try and get what they want, when they want it. I have had my body broken and bruised, I have been locked up in a cell for a while, I have seen all kinds of people across this country, but what I remember most is those who helped, those who were kind. I may not always remember names, but i remember face, the kind gestures, those who wanted to help when I was at my lowest. Those who offered a kind word, and a hug when I needed one. The ones who didn’t judge or thought they were better than me. The ones who were genuine, the ones who didn’t always have an answer, or tell you how to do something. The know it alls. There are still people who are out there that you can see Jesus in. They may look like outlaws or hoodlums or normal people. You can tell a pure heart. You can tell who is real and who is in it for themselves.
I can try and try and I cannot please everyone. Sometimes you just need to shake the dust off your feet and let them go. I still make mistakes, but the key is to learn off f them. As much as i try to be, I will never be perfect. I never got straight a’s. I wanted to, but could never achieve it. Maybe by doing well I thought that maybe I would be loved more. If that’s the case how could I please anyone, let alone God. The endless battle of striving to gain love and acceptance is slowly killing me. I can never overcome. I am a bundle of mistake just trying to look good on the outside. Day after day I can bring a wheelbarrow of shortcomings to God and there is still more. He just looks at me and shakes His head, and says, “boy you sure are a mess, you have a lot of problems. Come as you are and we will travel together. I love you just the way you are, even with all your wheelbarrow full. You don’t have to please me, I am already pleased with you. Stop your endless striving and come carry my burdens, my yoke is light and easy”. The way of the world is too hard. There is too much pressure to do this or look like that, or follow this person or that person. How do you know what is best for me, unless you have walked in my shoes. Jesus has, and he wears a size ten. Sometimes He carries me.