Sometimes it really does feel like, “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. It feels like every time I turn around what I do is wrong. I can’t please anyone. How could I even please God? It seems like every choice I make is the wrong one. At times I feel like I just want to give up. I try to hard to please someone and then end up disappointing another. I can’t go on always trying to make every one else happy and slowly find myself wasting away inside. When I was a child, it did not seem like I could do any thing right. Every choice was the wrong one. Now as an adult it seems I am still carrying that one around. It makes me wonder if I really do anything right. I will probably be standing before the guy at the pearly gates and he will say that all my choices weren’t pleasing to him. I am beginning to think that I don’t make anyone happy. Not even myself. Can I do anything right?
Some days my work can be stressful. When people don’t get what they want, when they want it, they sure can chew your ass over the phone. All i can do is just sit there and take it. You try to be sympathetic and helpful, but that is not what they want to hear. All they care about is themselves. They don’t see that some one else worded their paperwork wrong, or there is five hundred other people on a waiting list before them. They want to just make you feel like crap. All I can do is listen and forgive. If people only understood how their actions and words affected other people’s hearts. How their self esteem is bruised. Why would they even care in the first place. They just don’t want to hear the how’s and whys. Understandable, maybe. Hurtful, yes. Helpful, no. It just feeds into my introvertedness and I withdrawal even more.
I wonder if I can ever make any one happy. Then comes my relationship with God. I feel like I fail Him miserably. Every choice i make i must surely be getting closer to having a one way ticket to hell. Sure there is grace, but does that still give me the right to make wrong choices. Then I wonder is this sin, or that sin, and who am i to even decide what is sin and what is not. I see that everyone else is good at deciding that for me. Can I swear or can’t i? Just for example. What if I am just trying to do the best I can? How can I feel like God is pleased with me, when I feel like every thing else I do is wrong. Then when something does go my way, I feel like I don’t deserve it. Life is full of choices. It seems like every one I make is wrong. Then there is so much advice out there, how do you know which one to take. What a dilemma life can be.
So here I am at times walking around in doubt. A life full of questions and uncertainty. If mistakes make you wiser, I should be a genius by now. well not really. Things don’t usually go as I planned. I have wondered how i Have even made it this far. Don’t let this fool you, I do love God and I know He loves me. That’s about all I got. I’ll go to bed soon, try to sleep, get up tomorrow and try again.