It’s all good…..

A nice rain as Fall approaches us, here in Minnesota. The leaves are turning their familiar shades of yellow, red and orange. I love to watch the change of the seasons. Well except Winter. Cold and snow is all I think of then. The bundles of clothing, the shoveling, the warming up of cars. It will be dark when i go to work and dark when I come home. Right around the corner will be Spring, waiting to make it’s grand arrival. Seasons come and they go. Time seems to fly by in an instant. Creating memories along the way, a chuckle here and a chuckle there. Are you enjoying the moment?

Last night was a night of dreams here in our household. My wife dreamt of going to Hawaii with all her friends, and I had a deep dream of being on a treasure hunt. Who knows what the dog dreamt, maybe dreams of having his belly rubbed and getting fed treats. My dream started out in this big mansion that belonged to a widow who hoarded stuff. There were boxes every where. . The boxes were old and beat up. Like the were stored in the basement. They even had that unique smell of mustiness.  In these boxes were these rare treasures, you had to dig through them to find it. Gold rings from the 1800’s and so one. There was antique furniture everywhere. Antique lighting and flooring. Everything was just old. Like walking into a time capsule. Very cool indeed. Then I found these cards. They were like pieces to a treasure map the I had to put together. Each card had a clue of a bunch shapes and symbols. you had to arrange the cards in a way to figure out where the next piece of the puzzle went. It was absolutely mind boggling. I was to the point where i was going to give up/ I did not know where to even start. So I was going to relax in my lazy boy and I kicked back and looked up. there Hidden at the top of the window frame was the first clue. Once I knew where to look, it made finding the rest of the pieces easier. I still had to put the pieces together.I searched through the house from room to room to find more pieces. That house was huge. When I woke up, i still had not found all the pieces. I knew wasn’t done.

I don’t know why I shared this, but to me it was an exciting dream. I like exploring and looking to see what I can find. I like a challenge, something to figure out. The deeper the better. I wasn’t alone in that dream either. There was a man with me the whole time. In my dreams, I come to know Him as a Father figure, or Papa. He has appeared in a lot of my dreams. He guided me through the house. He was there when I opened these treasures. I knew these treasures were not as important as the next mission i was going on. In fact these treasure did not matter. They looked appealing to the eye, and could be valuable, but in the end, they really did not matter. What was important was trying to figure out life with Papa. When I couldn’t figure out the clues and felt like giving up, Papa was there and showed me the next step. He was there every step of the way. He allowed those low times and those high times to teach me, strengthen me, and most of all to show me that I needed Him. That He is God and He is there to help, to guide and care for me. In the ups and downs, He is always present. He makes away when all seems helpless.  He cares.

It has been four months since my crash. I think about it every day. My time on the ground, in the ambulance, in the helicopter and at the hospital. I think of what my family and friends went through. I think of all the people I came into contact with, the conversations we had and the laughs we had. I feel like I walked through a door and came out different on the other side. I can’t quite put my finger on it yet. Sure I move a little slower, and walk the dog more. I don’t smoke anymore, but there is something that I can’t quite put my finger on yet. I have a new title at work. I have had to come out of my shell a little, but there is something on the horizon that I just can’t see. I can feel it in my bones, just like the way i can feel the weather change in my collar bone. Kind of exciting, i must say. The world may look like it is crumbling and being torn apart, but My Lord is still on the throne.

I think that being the introvert that I am, I spend too much time worrying about what might happen, or could happen, instead of just relaxing and trusting Papa. I am very good at coming up with a thousand different ways life could go and none of them play out like my mind thinks it should go. I think Papa is secretly laughing at me when I am standing in the shower plotting and scheming on how things should go. He probably does a face palm and shakes His head. He knows that I will eventually get it one day. When,,,only He know. Until then I will keep trying to figure it out and look for clues to what is coming next. God leaves bread crumbs for you to follow. If you look, you will find them. If you feel like you are lost, just relax and the next crumb will appear. You don’t have to find all the pieces right away, that is where joy in the journey comes into play. Relax, Papa’s got this.

a short vent

I have been in hiding as of lately. I think I suffer from people phobia, or people anxiety lately. It seems that when you share how you feel, there are a ton of experts who are willing to offer all kinds of helpful advice. How about just loving me where I am at. I could be the problem also. I see so much taking instead of giving, it kind of makes me sick. I must admit I too wonder what is in it for me, rather than what I can give. People are just plain funny though. Some time those who call themselves Christians, can be the worst. There must be some chapters of the bible they haven’t gotten to yet. Hey i am just as bad, judging people like this. Is anyone really genuine anymore? Is there such a thing as real friendships. I really do think I am the one with the problem. I won’t let anyone get close, I can get offended easily, and I can take advice the wrong way. I consider the source and realize that they don’t have their life together either and throw their advice out with the trash. Does anyone really take the time to just listen anymore?

I am just kind of venting here. I have no one to blame but myself for anything. You know it has been 119 days since i had my accident. I haven’t had a cigarette in as many days. So I guess I can change. If I want to. If i had to.  After all I am a man. I find myself often thinking of the people that Jesus came for. Murderers, prostitutes, criminals and so on. People who did not have their lives together. Well then there is still hope for me.  I am always amazed when I have a conversation with Him, that he never points out what is wrong with me. I guess we both know that. People on the other hand like to point out what they think is wrong with you and then offer you ways that they think you need to improve yourself. The television tells you this crap all the time. Jesus just comes a long and sees what’s missing. He sees nothing wrong with me. I am just wired a little different than most. I can look at life a little different than some. Maybe i am anal, or a perfectionist who never seems to get it right. I can run i million different scenarios in my head in a course of a few minutes, which none will ever happen.

Stress and anxiety are two companions that I have known for too long. I can stress over the littlest things and have great anxiety over things that haven’t even happen yet. I struggle over relationships and take things to personal. I guess deep down, I am human and just want to be loved. Again this is where Jesus comes into the picture. I wonder at times if more people were like Jesus, if this world would be a better place. With Jesus, you take a lot of self out of the equation. Maybe that’s asking a little too much. We still need Jesus. Maybe me more than anyone.  We are all captive to something,,,Jesus came to set the captives free. I need to be set free. Maybe I am free and society is just trying to put rules and regulations on me to make think that I am not. I should do this or say that or act like this. or worse yet, don’t do this or don’t do that….There’s always some one watching. This is probably not going to be one of my most popular blogs,,,,but it’s mine and I can say what I want….. This pic below kinda sums it up for me lately….

They Call me the Seeker…

Yesterday we brought the bike home. It was in my parents storage shed since May. In my mind I was a little nervous about bringing it home. It looked like it was in worse shape than I was. Bent handle bars, bent crash bars, bent blinker lights and more scrapes and scratches than I could bear looking at. It should have been hauled off in the helicopter that day instead of me. After almost four months of physically healing, I was able to work on it today. I had extra handle bars that I bought in a package deal a couple of years ago. I was able to switch them out and take off the bent crash bar and see if this bad boy still had life in it. After realizing that some one was smart enough to turn off the gas, and a little help from the battery charger, she fired up. It brought a grin to my face. There was still work to be done. It had a bent shifting pedal and lever. There is no way I can ride it until those are straightened out. Could thing my brother is handy in  that area. I think He thrives on taking something that is beat up and broken and breathing new life into it. It is very therapeutic to work with your hands. He told me that he knew i would be wrenching on it soon. He was right. I just couldn’t let it sit there in need or repair like that. It was almost sad to see it in that shape.

My brother and i grew up on a small five acre farm. We explored every inch of that five acres when we were kids. I also took things apart and tried to fix them. I think I failed more than I succeeded. I always had hope going into these endeavors.   At least we tried. We did grow up watching Andy and Barney, they were always going to Emmett’s Fix it shop. That guy fixed everything. Growing up on a farm, I thought we could too. One motorcycle I had I could not fix. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but a lack of money. I had high hopes anyway.  I learned how to take things apart, more than to put them together. If I just had the right parts i could fix it. Now days we live in a society that when something is broke, we just throw it away. it is almost cheaper and easier to replace it than fix it.  Are you willing to do whatever it takes to fix something. Can it be repaired?  I am always amazed when I read about Jesus feeding fish sandwiches to the five thousand. They took what they had and made it work. Then there was all those left overs and they picked up all the crumbs. They did not waste a thing, they probably ate left overs for a couple of days. Of all the stories in the New Testament, why did they share this one? Even then they only talked about feeding the men, there was women and children there too. It must have looked like Woodstock,  after they left there must have been a  mess every where. What did they do with all those baskets of leftovers? They did not waste them. I don’t think anything is a waste to God.

People tho, I can never figure them out. Like for instance, I like being weird and it seems perfectly  normal to me. I make silly snap chat videos and share with my nieces  is funny to me. If I can make you laugh at the expense of being weird, then it is totally worth it to me. I think we live in a society that is too uptight, to worried about their own desires and what’s in it for them. We worry about how we look, and how we act, that there is no freedom to be yourself. We have to fit in, in order to be a member of society, conform to everyone else’s  rules.  So we get up and put these masks on and pretend that everything is all right. I’m fine, is the biggest lie we tell. Then when we are not fine and try to tell some one,  they treat us like we have the plague. Hoping that it don’t rub off on them. There are some things that are wrong in this world and we can’t walk around them hoping that they will get right. They won’t get right by ignoring it, hoping it will go away. We need to take the time and fix things. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. A little dirt under your finger nails is not all bad.  I usually end up with a bloody knuckle when I work on something. This time I did not.  There is nothing wrong with asking why, or finding the source of what someone else has quoted. It is good to still be seekers of the truth and not taking things at face value.  I like to know the hows, whys and whats of life. I still like to question things. Like a two year old, why, why, why. I don’t see it as an act of rebellion, I just want to know why.  When I get to heaven, God and I will be having many conversations about the whys, for now I will just trust Him. We will work out the whys later.

Bottled up….Again

Sometimes it really does feel like, “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. It feels like every time I turn around what I do is wrong. I can’t please anyone. How could I even please God?  It seems like every choice I make is the wrong one. At times I feel like I just want to give up. I try to hard to please someone and then end up disappointing another. I can’t go on always trying to make every one else happy and slowly find myself wasting away inside. When I was a child, it did not seem like I could do any thing right. Every choice was the wrong one. Now as an adult it seems I am still carrying that one around.  It makes me wonder if I really do anything right. I will probably be standing before the guy at the pearly gates and he will say that all my choices weren’t pleasing to him. I am beginning to think that I don’t make anyone happy. Not even myself.  Can I do anything right?

Some days my work can be stressful. When people don’t get what they want, when they want it, they sure can chew your ass over the phone. All i can do is just sit there and take it. You try to be sympathetic and helpful, but that is not what they want to hear. All they care about is themselves. They don’t see that some one else worded their paperwork wrong, or there is five hundred other people on a waiting list before them. They want to just make you feel like crap. All I can do is listen and forgive. If people only understood how their actions and words affected other people’s hearts. How their self esteem is bruised. Why would they even care in the first place. They just don’t want to hear  the how’s and whys. Understandable, maybe.  Hurtful, yes. Helpful, no. It just feeds into my introvertedness and I withdrawal even more.

I wonder if I can ever make any one happy. Then comes my relationship with God. I feel like I fail Him miserably. Every choice i make  i must surely be getting closer to having a one way ticket to hell.  Sure there is grace, but does that still give me the right to make wrong choices. Then I wonder is this sin, or that sin, and who am i to even decide what is sin and what is not. I see that everyone else is good at deciding that for me. Can I swear or can’t i? Just for example. What if I am just trying to do the best I can? How can I feel like God is pleased with me, when I feel like every thing else I do is wrong. Then when something does go my way, I feel like I don’t deserve it. Life is full of choices. It seems like every one I make is wrong.  Then there is so much advice out there, how do you know which one to take.  What a dilemma life can be.

So here I am at times walking around in doubt. A life full of questions and uncertainty. If mistakes make you wiser, I should be a genius by now. well not really. Things don’t usually go as I planned. I have wondered how i Have even made it this far. Don’t let this fool you, I do love God and I know He loves me. That’s about all I got. I’ll go to bed soon, try to sleep, get up tomorrow and try again.

 

I need a stunt double…

It has been an interesting twelve weeks since that day. I look pretty tough here. I am truly thankful to be alive. I have all my body parts and I can walk upright. I can still think and can take care of myself. I am still stiff and sore, but I manage. I have a lot to be thankful for. I must be, I have said it twice in less than two minutes. Life is truly good. Where do you go from here, i ask myself quite often. What do you do with each day?  I watch people go by all day long, in their misery and pain, unable to see life farther than their nose. Grumbling about everything that they can find fault in. Blaming some one else for their problems. I feel sorry for them. I am grateful for the little things, fresh coffee, being able to breath, a home to live in, the ability to chose for myself. I sit behind a desk now, I am thankful to have a job. Some nights my sleep is not as good as others, but I do have a bed.I do get another chance to try to sleep another night. What do we really have to complain about?

In reality I do have a stunt double. His name is Jesus. He took my place for a lot worse outcome than wrecking my bike. He took my place on the cross so that I might have eternal life. So that I may have heaven on earth. So that I may come boldly to the throne of grace. So that I may walk in victory. Well it wasn’t Him laying in that hospital bed, but the miracle is how fast I have been healing.  Here i am cheering Him on,,,Go God Go…I still feel twinges in my neck, shoulders and head.  I think they  are there just to remind me that God is not done with me yet. I will take whatever i can get. My prayer life has been short and to the point. I have switched smoking for walking and get out there every morning. I enjoy the beauty of the sunrise. I think the dog likes it too. We both are walking the neighborhood.

I think about my accident a lot, my time in the hospital, my recovery at home. I probably talk about it too much. Show off my wounds and talk about recovery. One doctor told me i was traumatized. Whatever that means, I think I just got a huge boo boo and went to the hospital, come home and got bored and wanted to go back to work. Life, doesn’t it just happen, and not the way you planned sometimes. How you handle it is a key thing. If I didn’t have a relationship with Papa, I think I would be a pretty bitter person. You know as I look back over the twenty four year walk with Him, I am a different guy. Change comes, just not at the pace you want it to. As far as what’s ahead, God knows and I am okay with that. I think He told my wife no more motorcycles though. Whenever I am asked if I will I ride again, I say maybe, but she speaks a bigger no. I enjoy the freedom that comes with riding, the wind in your hair, well what I have left. The alone time with your thoughts, the focus of the open road, and the occasional cracking of the throttle to eighty. the adrenaline rush  on a cool crisp morning, to the refreshing of an evening breeze. It’s all good, maybe it is time to move on.

Move on to what, I say to myself. That has been my haunting question. I am limited to what I can do now. No big projects in the garage, and I have had a hard time focusing on reading. Nothing has really peaked my curiosity. I hate to say it, but I have been focused on me lately. Internal thinking and healing. It just must be that season. I am really not to talented else where. It will all work out in time. God is not pushing me into anything, He knows. He does not have any delusions with me. I am sure what’s coming is going to be grand. With all the dreams that I have had about building, I am sure that’s what is going on right now. I just don’t have a clue to what He is building, or what is on the other side of the mountain. I am okay with that, I am enjoying life, one day at a time. There really is a lot to enjoy, if you take the time to take a look around. Keep smiling…..

Baa…..

And the men who hold high places, Must be the ones who start, To mold a new reality, Closer to the heart…Geddy Lee.   If I were to really sit down to you and describe my strong points, I wouldn’t know where to start. I am really not an expert at anything. I know a little bit about rock and roll and that’s about it. I have a guitar, but can’t play it that good. Hardly at all. That doesn’t make me a musician. I do not have that drive anymore. I know some chords, but can not make the music. Knowing that I can’t succeed makes me feel like a failure. That’s okay, I realized that I am not really an expert at anything. I probably know just enough to get by. It seems like we all want to know just enough to impress someone else. To be honest with you, i don’t know shit. I don’t mean it in some derogatory why, like i’m the village idiot. I mean that I just really don’t know.

I feel like I am on the edge, I don’t know if that is good or not. It is more like on the outside looking in. Let’s take my spiritual walk as of lately. Sure, I know a lot of scripture off the top of my head. I have read some of the same stories over and over, almost to the point of memorizing them, but that doesn’t make me a super christian. In fact it bothers me when people tag me in some big prayer post, thinking that I am. I hate being held hostage in some group post or text. I always don’t know how to respond. I have to confess that I don’t always pray. I just kind of look at God and shrug my shoulders, I just don’t know what to say to Him. Right now I am just trying to figure out my own life. I really don’t have no strong suit. In the mix of all the aches and pains and healing going on. But who cares. It seems to me we are all just going through life, arguing about politics and whatever else grabs our attention. I am just sit back and watching it all go by. Not really forming an opinion about any of it. I am trapped in my little mind, hoping that I might still have a little spot reserved for me in heaven. Wondering if i can have a little bench in the corner to sit on as I watch all those great witnesses parade before me. I feel like I am on the edge of a great valley overlooking a vast opening and I’m whispering my prayers that no one can hear.

I am the one who would leave the ninety-nine just to see what it is like on the other side of the mountain. Maybe just to see if someone would come looking for me.  These are the days where I feel like I am the one who moved. Where is that fire I once held in my eyes. I don’t think I can find my way back to that little boy who once was in awe of God. Maybe I am on a new trail, exploring and hoping I will find my answer here in a new wilderness. Sounds good anyway. I am sure God understands. I am learning a new job, healing my body, finding out new limitations. Maybe there is grace in all that. Well until I find my way, I will just keep plugging along. I’ll be the one in the shadows, trying to figure it all out. Don’t give me any advice, because I will probably weigh it, judge it, and throw it away. Advice is what I don’t need. After all, I am a curious introvert. If you can’t figure out what I need, then I would question my walk with God also.  I really don’t know if this is a rant or just an explosion of my thinking. I woke up at 4 am with my mind running in a thousand directions. I was kind of pissed off about a few things, but also curious about a few others. I was most concerned about my walk with Papa. Where is the more, the love, the abundance? What am i even doing, I thought? In the mix of aches in pains in trying to roll over, I realized that it is there and today is a new day to explore those possibilities. He has never left me. I just am exploring new territory and it is just unfamiliar and that’s okay. I ma going boldly into some where I have never been before. I am not really in a rut, but a place of growth and healing. All is good and right where it is supposed to be.

 

Whip it,,,,Whip it good.

I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me…..Kiss….Ha, I remember when that song was new. i think I bought the 45, and it was a top forty hit. Now I feel old because they use music I like to entice me to buy something. Commercials are over rated as far as i am concerned. Buy, buy, buy,,,,that’s what this world is all about. Well it seems like that to me. Show me the money. I felt like I was on a role and i have lost my gas. I don’t feel much like blogging anymore. I have good ideas and they vanish. I think to myself, who am I, and what have I got to say that will make a difference. Who really reads this stuff anyway. I could go on and on about some mindless chatter like a commercial during your favorite show. You can’t wait for it to get over and back to your regularly scheduled programming.  My thinking hasn’t been so good lately anyway. I have been focused on my own problems. The healing and all that is wrapped up in that bundle of joy. I have to recommend not having an accident. The pain is just not worth it.

On a more positive note, God is still invading my head while I sleep. Reassuring me that He is doing all the rebuilding. My sleep can be a tossing and turning one, but my dreams can be very real. The other night I had three dreams in a row about building me a new house. Every dream picked up where the last one left off when I would wake up. A new house was being built on the lot I own now. Each dream was bigger and better than the last one. There were rope bridges in the back yard, the garage was huge and there was a fire place in the den. The walls weren’t painted yet and the house wasn’t finished yet. I knew the carpenter that was working on it and He was a friend of mine. That was one dream that stood out in my head. What it means, I don’t know. I have to believe it has something to do with the changes and healing going on.

My healing has been going pretty good, I have to believe that having a sense of humor has a lot to do with it. A positive outlook can make all the difference. Even though my walk with God has seemed distant, He is always faithful. A bunch of short prayers is all I muster up as of late. No big spiritual readings or anything like that. Just thankfulness and a little joy can go along way. Sometimes I tend to vent a little frustration here and there, but I have been keeping to myself . I don’t think anyone listens anyway. When I observe society, it makes me kind of sick. Good thing my hope isn’t in people. What does it matter what I think anyway. Some one will read this and blow it all out of proportion and think i have some big spiritual problem and think of ways to try to fix me. I am not broken, they just don’t understand. I think my motives have been more understood than anything. When I don’t explain my motives, that just makes it worse. Some things are just between me and Papa. Have a problem with that, talk to the management. It was His idea.

So I have been on a rash of silliness. I love to laugh and post funny things. It helps. There are some that try to be so serious that it is hilarious. Come on, no one is that wise. Even the guys in the bible made mistakes. There was a time not to long ago where I wanted to be seen as some wise guy, like I knew what I was talking about. Then one night laying in the hospital bed I realized that I don’t know anything. I was actually OK with that. I don’t have to know it all or pretend that I do. Who do you really have to impress. I already have people who love me. I know I can’t fool Jesus, so what’s the point.  To me there is something to be said when Jesus made a whip and kicked all those yahoos out of His Father’s house. I would rather be a fool in the kingdom than one of those guys. I am sure those guys He kicked out thought they were doing the right thing. The probably felt like they too were trying to help the people get their life squared away with God. Most good pharisees think they know what’s best for others. Oops, did I just say that. Well if the robe fits….Don’t take it personally, It’s not my job to judge you. In fact, I wouldn’t want that job. I am still trying to figure out what is sin and what isn’t and who am I to decide what is and what is not. What if the ten commandments are just promises you get when you keep your eyes on the Lord. What if our whole way of thinking about God is a man made generational thing that keeps getting stretched farther and farther from the truth. Just thinking out loud here. All I know is that it takes God to love God, and I love God, so He must be in me. God created all things. He has a plan and sometimes He clues me in, and sometimes He doesn’t. He loves me with a passion that I could never duplicate and it works for me. He is my friend and I am in.

Not everything is planned….

People come, people go,,,Some grow young, some grow cold…..Tom Petty.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes, Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older, Time may change me, But I can’t trace time, I said that time may change me, But I can’t trace time…..David Bowie.

With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day. God isn’t late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn’t want anyone lost. He’s giving everyone space and time to change….2 Peter 3:8-9. Message.

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you….Romans 12:1-2…The Message

I have often thought about change and what it looks like. Not that I want to be some one different than who God wants me to be, but to be more the man that god wants me to be.  I don’t know how to get there. There are no formulas or hoops to jump through. No road maps, or sign posts giving you directions. Yet it is something I have wanted for a long time. Something different inside. I cannot explain it.

So I am laying there, in the gravel, with my head on some woman’s lap. She is applying pressure to my head wound, which eventually would require a bunch of stitching. I am looking at the ground and think, what kind of mess have I gotten myself into now. Some how I take a step back in my spirit  to do a little assessment of the situation, and a couple of things come to mind. The first is, this will be a good time to quit smoking. The second is a quiet voice telling me that I am going to be a changed man because of this. Well the hustle and bustle of paramedics and helicopters and the next thing you know, I am at an emergency room and don’t give it another thought. After a day or two of some slipping in and out of a dream world and reality, I think of this again. Did I imagine this, or was it part of some drug induced dream state that i was in? I kept this thought to myself for quite awhile, pondering it, hoping that I heard right.

A couple of weeks go by and a friend from Canada sends me a gift. Writes a card, to me that was more important than the gift. She confirms what has been hidden away in my mind. She says,”God says, He will not be the same after this fall”. In a good way. The a few days later, a co-worker says the same thing to me. She was at the accident and knew I was going to be a different man. Not because of the physical things that happened. Sure right now I am a physical mess, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I am alive. My wife told me the other day that she was glad that she didn’t have to plant me six foot under. Made me cry a little. I can hardly wait to see what God has in store for each day. I have a new position at work, due to my getting older and my physical limitations.  So change is happening. I am very blessed to have my eyes opened a little. Even though I crashed, my fire has not gone out. What does the future hold? Who knows? God knows and I am sure He has a plan. I enjoy a good mystery. Thanks to all those who have prayed and continue too, I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

It’s hard some days……

So, here we are, another glorious day outside. My wife and I are sitting inside and just enjoying the time to rest and recuperate.  I am at a point were i am finding it hard to trust and be patient. The mountain that is ahead looks almost over whelming. Like it could crush us. Almost fall on top of us and ruin us in so many ways. I have been praying that it won’t.  Sometimes i wonder if things come in life to stretch your faith?  You tend to wonder where to I go from here?  I often think of a saying that Graham Cooke says,”God allows in His wisdom, what He could easily prevent by His power.”  So I find myself asking why?  Why me, Why now? What is the purpose of this? What is going on?  Why wasn’t this prevented? Now I am faced with this great cost and hope that God has a plan. I can’t do it on my own.  I find myself thinking that if He could feed five thousand plus with a loaves and some fish, He should be able to help with this finial strain. What if He doesn’t? Does that make me a bad follower? When I ask for help, is He gonna give me a snake? Not that I really deserve anything, but I am in His family. To be honest, I am scared. I hate it when there is a discouraging spirit over our household and you could cut the tension with a knife.

The Lord is faithful and compassionate. He is full of love and hasn’t turned away from me or my house. Some days I just need help seeing it. I am thankful for all we have. Also we have survived all that we have been through and we will get through this. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. When you are going through the muck and mire, it is hard to see the end. If you want to pray, then pray for our hearts and our spirits. Pray for some positives. Pray for financial blessings. Pray that we would come out of this better than we went in. Pray that we would be good stewards of what He has given. That we would have wisdom and understanding. Pray that we would be at peace, that the enemy would be bound. that he could not come between Carol and myself. That our love between us would grow. That in no way would we let this burden drag us down. We appreciate all prayers, no matter how big or small.  To quote one of my favorite guys, Rich Mullins, “Well, sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all, When the mountains look so big, And my faith just seems so small,  So hold me Jesus, Cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, Won’t You be my Prince of Peace,”……

Give us all strength Lord,

Here is a link if you feel led to help.  gofundme.com/28uqqjbg/share/gfm/fb_d_5_q

We are hoping to see God move. May God bless you.

 

He is Awesome….

You can either live your life as a victim or you can get off your fanny perpendicular and do something about it. This morning when I woke up, as every morning, I have a waiting sensation of aches and pains to just sit up. I guess it is just a part of healing. I kind of dread it. I won’t let it define who I am tho. I have to push it aside and force myself to get up and get moving. Well, i have to use the bathroom first, but it is a good motivator. Then I know a fresh cup of coffee awaits me. This morning tho, I tried something different. While I was walking the dog in this nice 59 degree weather, I decided to mow lawn. I thought if I can sit in a chair all day, I could prop myself in my rider and mow. It was actually quite satisfying to do something productive. I secretly think my wife was happy too. While I was riding the mower, I was thinking that my accident doesn’t define who I am. I could easily sit back on the other side of my computer and say poor pitiful me. My broken bones and and giant flesh wound in my side is not who I am. It’s just a phase in life that I am going through. I am sure there is many purposes that I am learning along the way.

I wonder how many people are waiting for someone to come along and help them? When I first got home, Carol had to help me do everything. From taking a shower, to getting dressed. I am sure she was getting very tired helping me with the smallest things that we take for granted everyday. The same thing is true with your walk with God. It is fine to have someone help you along the way, but eventually you have to take your faith out for a spin and see what kind of favor you have. You are responsible for your walk. You need to seek His face and listen to Him talk to you. Sure it is nice to get a word here or there, but hearing for yourself is even better. You are only going to grow as far as the effort you are putting into the relationship. If you are just willing to settle for salvation, then that’s all you are going to get. There is so much more in God waiting for you. There was no way that I was just going to settle for salvation. The hunger and drive to want more is within me. Just like I don’t want my injuries to hold me back. I can choose to get better. I can choose a deeper relationship with God. I could not just settle for the one day Sunday sort of relationship. So I took my favor out for a drive.

I found the He is incredibly faithful, an awesome listener and loves me very much. He has the funniest sense of humor that I have ever heard. He cares for me very much. He likes to share His passions with you and share in what matters to you. He has never left me. When I make mistakes, He is not there to ride my case about it, but to show me what grace and forgiveness looks like. When He speaks to me, it is not in a condemning judgmental way. A loving compassionate voice. He has given me more than I deserve. So much to be thankful for. He invades my dreams with hope and purpose. He always has a sunny outlook on my life. He never worries. He has this incredible ability to tease me into wanting more. Leaves me satisfied for a moment then hungry for more. He sees something special in me that i cannot describe. He can command an obedience in such a loving way, that you won’t find peace until you follow through with what He has asked you to do. I could go on and on, but I am afraid that I would run out of words that would do this justice.

So if you find yourself anxious, worried, frustrated or afraid, just remember we are loved by the one true great creator of all. He has had a plan for you since day one. He knows the outcome of every situation you find yourself in. Turn to Him and tell Him about it. Share your fear with Him. Who else understands like He does. He knows better how to handle it. He has unlimited resources. Sometimes I wish He would move a little faster. But all my worries are in good hands with Jesus. I will be healed, and whole again. As far as riding, that is a whole new story. I have been thinking about taking up kayaking. Then I could fish at the same time. Whatever I choose, God is always there with me.