Rebuilding Burnt bridges….

a man of a different spirit...

When I was back in high school, I was kinda a trouble maker. That was a lifetime ago. I lost some close friendships because of what was done. Today I found myself thinking about regrets. I don’t regret so much that I made the mistakes, I regretted that I couldn’t make amends. Reconcile those lost friendships. I don’t want to live in regrets anymore. Finding myself wishing that I coulda, woulda, shoulda done something. How many times do you find yourself wishing that you wouldn’t have burnt that bridge? Or it becomes to late to make amends. Words lost and arguments forgotten. It really doesn’t matter whose fault it was, or you can’t remember why you held a grudge in the first place. Bitterness sets in deep and forgiveness is miles out of reach. You may find that you wished you said I loved you more, or i could have…

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sign, sign, everywhere a sign…

When I started doing this my intention was to encourage and hopefully point people toward the Lord. Instead I think it has been turning into a big whining and complaining session. I have been anti people and anti myself. I have not been the Man of God that I should be.  I have been kind of negative and for all this I apologize.  So please forgive me. I have been thinking about what I write while laying wide awake in bed. It has not been very helpful or encouraging.  I won’t take offense if you quit following this blog.  I really don’t have an excuse for any of it.

Years ago I was given a word about writing a blog and making videos about walking with God,. I think I took it and ran in my own direction and it turned into something, what I am not sure of. A bitch session, or a vent session, or something to that affect. …Philippians 2:14….”Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I’ll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You’ll be living proof that I didn’t go to all this work for nothing.”

So where does one go from here? Good question, maybe take a break, who knows. Maybe some prayer. Some soul searching, who knows, if God tells you. let me know. Only a handful read this anyway, and I have to confess that it frustrated me also. I think my vision was bigger than what I thought.  What I had planned and maybe what God has planned are two different things.

Hot Mess……..

I can’t help but think that I’m living the life of illusion, caught up in a world of confusion,,,,Sleep, now that’s an interesting concept. A night without being tormented in my thought world would be most satisfying. But alas it does not happen.  I am attacked every night about the things I pray about during the day. Tormented by endless scenarios that would not happen in any movie. At times the drama that happens in my mind can make me question my sanity. People can be so cruel and selfish it is a wonder that I even leave the house at all. For the life of me I have a hard time seeing the good in people.  Maybe that is why I don’t have any friends. Maybe the problem starts with me. I try and try, but after getting shit on so many times, you try avoiding it. Don’t get me wrong, i like to help people out, but after a while it seems like you give more than you receive and it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  So it is easier to push people away, rather than get manipulated again. What happened to the day and age when people took responsibility for their own actions and their own life. Did the “Leave it to Beaver” lifestyle go out the window? It seem so me that we have drifted so far from this thinking and migrated into a “it’s all about me” way of life. It is all about how i look, or smell, or who i know kind of world. Look at me, I am important. Mean while back in my life,  I am slowly sinking into obscurity. Slowly depleting my friends list on social media.  I could be a hermit, and I would still find something to gripe about. I wonder if their really is genuine out there, a place where you can be yourself, take of your mask and be yourself without judgement. Where there is no fear in fucking something up without being chastised. A place where your motives are pure and respected. Where hard work is appreciated and pays off.  A place where it is okay to make mistakes.

Maybe I am just a dreamer. Maybe my fantasy of a world where I can be myself is far fetched. At times i feel like i am so far from who i want to be that I forget who i even am. I once had hopes and dreams and it seems like life has just stolen them away.  Next thing you know you are fifty three and life has zoomed by. I know that’s not that old, but I am tired of having my hopes dashed and my dreams crushed.  There are still dream thieves out there today. The pharisees were the dream thieves in Jesus’s time. The enemy is out there to pounce and crush you, to piss you off with whatever means necessary. He will use whoever and whatever to kill off your hope. There are people who say and do things to just and try and hurt you. People will blame you for their own short comings instead of taking responsibility  for their own lack of wisdom. Instead of owning up to their own actions. Saying you are sorry goes a long ways, or I was wrong.

I too am sorry, I haven’t always been the friend, or husband that I should have been. I haven’t always been a good brother or son, or a father. I have harbored bitterness and anger, resentment and selfishness. I have controlled and manipulated for my own welfare.  I have thought of myself, and what’s in it for me. I have rejected love out of fear and anger. I have failed to love myself because I have believed that I am unlovable and unlikable. I have ran away  from relationships out of fear. Sat on my high horse and judged, thinking that I always knew what was best. In conclusion i really don’t know anything. I was wrong.

Well I do know Jesus, well at times I think I do.  I try, I have hope in Papa. I am sure that I am loved, but I think I reject what I need, for things that I think I need. I won’t let go of my crap because I think it is part of who I am. I have a hard time of letting go of my baggage. So if you are going to love me, please do it in a soft soothing way. Tough love only makes me slam the door. Yes I am a difficult nut to crack. I think I am turning into that old guy in the movie Gran Torino. Get the Fuck of my yard kind of a guy. I worry more about what others are doing, instead of minding my own business.  I can be a complete ass at times.  Yet there are times I can be a nice guy, very caring and very helpful. I am a bundle of mixed feelings and desires. Do I really know what I even want? Lord come and set me free. I am fine, just a little confused at times. Maybe you may think that my life sucks and it is a mess, it is not, i just look at things different.

you can hear if you want to…..

There is a story in the Bible that helps me with my conversations with God. It is in
Exodus 33. I t is where Moses and God are having a conversation about being God’s people. It says,
God spoke with Moses face-to-face, as neighbors speak to one another. When he would return to the camp, his attendant, the young man Joshua, stayed—he didn’t leave the Tent. Moses said to God, “Look, you tell me, ‘Lead this people,’ but you don’t let me know whom you’re going to send with me. You tell me, ‘I know you well and you are special to me.’ If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don’t forget, this is your people, your responsibility.” God said, “My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.” Moses said, “If your presence doesn’t take the lead here, call this trip off right now. How else will it be known that you’re with me in this, with me and your people? Are you traveling with us or not? How else will we know that we’re special, I and your people, among all other people on this planet Earth?” God said to Moses, “All right. Just as you say; this also I will do, for I know you well and you are special to me. I know you by name.” Moses said, “Please. Let me see your Glory.” God said, “I will make my Goodness pass right in front of you; I’ll call out the name, God, right before you. I’ll treat well whomever I want to treat well and I’ll be kind to whomever I want to be kind.” God continued, “But you may not see my face. No one can see me and live.” God said, “Look, here is a place right beside me. Put yourself on this rock. When my Glory passes by, I’ll put you in the cleft of the rock and cover you with my hand until I’ve passed by. Then I’ll take my hand away and you’ll see my back. But you won’t see my face.”
The Message: I think God enticed Moses to ask “show me your glory.”
Quite a few years ago I was obsessed with hearing God’s voice. Now that I look back I believe that God put that drive into me. I couldn’t let it go until I heard something. I struggled and even whined a little for quite a while. I was in a time of frustration. I was even thinking that something was wrong with me. It just wouldn’t go away until I heard something. It was all I could think about. Then one day out of the blue it happened. I was praying for my son and thanking God for Him and telling God how much I loved him, and God said, “Now you get an idea how much I love you.” At first I was shocked, then I cried. I was pretty happy. God finally answered my prayers. Then it started to come easier, but usually when I least expected it. Like one day I was just thanking God for something small and He said, “You can call me Father now.”
As time went on hearing becomes a little bit better. I would hear warnings of when to get out of situations. I knew when I was going to get fired before it happened. I knew that it would be okay, and I would be taken care of. So I became an independent contractor. He guided me into many different jobs. I listened to what jobs to take on and which ones not too. Even though some projects had difficulties, He provided wisdom. There was one job where I was going to trim out a person’s house. I couldn’t focus on it and I kept hearing, get out and don’t do the job. There was some kind of negative feeling about the whole thing. I had the feeling that being in a house with this single gal was not right. I spent some time in prayer before I took out all my tools. Hearing God speak about letting it go brought me some peace. So I told the lady I couldn’t do it and something better came along . Another time that really sticks out to me was when a co-worker called me and told me about her son’s friend committed suicide. She was concerned about what her son and the teen who took his life. She asked me to pray. I was driving at the time and was kind of shocked. So I turned to God and prayed. I was stuck with compassion and heard God say, ”I’ve got him.” So I called her back and told her what I heard. I drove another half mile and had to pull over. I was weeping like I have never had before. I did not know what was going on. I felt God’s love for this person. Once you get to know God’s voice, it becomes easier. Sure at times I miss the mark, and there is grace. It is also a part of the learning process. God is faithful and wants you to hear Him. It is all a part of the relationship.

There are many different ways that God communicates with me. Sometimes it is with a sense of humor. He does know how to make me laugh. He says the right things at the right time. One day I asked Him about my team going to the Super-bowl. The next year they were really bad. I asked God about it and He said, “you’re not dead yet are you?” Man I got a chuckle out of that. Other times He has spoken through a song, and not just worship songs either. I don’t think we can limit the way He speaks to us. We are all different individuals and have different likes. He knows what I like and what He can use to get through to me. Just as God knows how I am wired, it is important to know how He is wired to me. What I mean is, it is good to recognize how He relates to me. He may relate to you the same way, but you are unique and God knows how to be your friend.
It is simple to start chatting with God. You know He is listening. Just have a normal conversation with Him. You are important to Him and He cares. You don’t need a crisis all the time. Just tell Him your concerns and cares. Just talk, like you would with anyone else. Be expectant of a reply. You don’t have to pray some long winded, King James sort of prayer. Come boldly to the throne. He is a friend to me, and so much more. You hear better than you think you do. You belong to God, so you hear His voice.

This Beat goes On and On…..

Music has got to be my favorite drug of choice.  I can listen to some music over and over and over. It never goes out of time for me. I can still listen to the same music that i did when i was a wee laddie. I grew up listening to music from the sixties. It was good to me. I didn’t start listening to stuff that came out when I graduated until years later. I had dreams of becoming a disc jockey when I was growing up. Music means a lot to me. You can get many things from listening to it.  I have a lot of favorite stuff on an old Iphone that I use at as an Ipod. Today I went to update it so Mrs. Muller could down load some coupon app. It did what it was supposed to do and when it started rebooting it asked for a email that i no longer could remember the password to. It is hell trying to remember things. Last night I set a beer down some where and could not remember where. I retraced my foot steps four different times. Carol found it this morning. Warm of course. So my saint of a wife Carol figured out the password and unlocked the old Iphone. It was one of those things that really make me happy for a change. I was pissed and mad, it seems like every time I go to do some good for some one else, i get screwed over some how. Thankfully she fixed it and I was pretty grateful.

My Wife is my best friend.  She is there when I need her. She hung out with me in the garage today and helped me build a project. She does not get enough recognition for what she does. She has stuck with me for almost thirty years. She has been there through the good and the bad. Sure we argue, but it seems more like a loud discussion and we figure it out and life goes on. She works hard and some days she gets crapped on, but she handles it well. She thinks of me more than I deserve. She will have supper ready most of the time. She will listen to me whine over and over about how much I hurt on rainy days. Her birthday is soon and she really doesn’t want any thing.  She deserves so much more. When God puts a couple of people together, He seems to know what He is doing.

Doing a ritual every week seems to bore the crap out of me. Doing High five Fridays is one of those things that just gets under my skin. Last Friday I refused. My goodness, I got the look all day like i did some crime. If I am not comfortable with something, i should be able to say so. I can’t understand why I should keep doing something for some one else. It would be different if it was team building, but you cannot be on your own team and expect everyone to do your work for you. Having a title does not make you better than any one else. It can be a long fall from your high horse when you think every one evolves around you.  I am such  a rebel.

To wrap all this together, I find it a privilege to look at life different than most.  God has blessed me with a brilliant mind. I may look at life in a deeper way. When I struggle, I really struggle. Life is not always peaches and cream. I may express my tough times way too much, but I am who I am. I have good days and bad days. If people can only see what is on the surface, they are missing what is really going on. Sure I go through tough crap in my mind and in my body, but I get up everyday. I am winning by just getting through the day. I have an inner strength that comes from Jesus. I have been through more shit that would make most people cry. I am not bragging and my past seems to haunt me,, but I am stronger than you think.  I am looking for the real. I am looking for the truth. I may be hardcore and vulgar, but get over it.  Following Christ does not mean your life is going to be easy. Look at what all the disciples went through. If your life is easy and everything is going smooth, maybe you are doing something wrong. It is not always about going to church on Sunday.  I know that God loves me and He is thrilled when we do stuff together. He wanted some one like me in this place and during this time. Just because I do things that are not acceptable to you, doesn’t mean I am wrong. Who are we to decide what is right and what is wrong. If you can not see past making a judgement on some one then you are not operating in the love of God. Get free , that is the goal, be yourself, that is who God wants you to be.

Let’s Feast….

a man of a different spirit...

“When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’..Luke 15:20-21…The Message. You know I am my worst critic at times, well most times. I can be pretty hard on myself. Thinking that I am not really good enough. That I really don’t deserve anything. What I have done wrong is in the past. I am the one who keeps bringing it to the surface. Sometimes when you have a rebellious past, it can haunt you. You can feel like you really are a piece of trash. It’s okay though. It can also help you feel grateful and thankful. I have come along ways since I was that immature little laddie. I can’t…

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Just writing 2

a man of a different spirit...

Have you ever stopped and just took time to think about God? How His goodness and kindness just prevail in all of creation. The intricate workings of the a dragon-fly hovering over a pond, to the turtles living in that pond. How everything on earth has a purpose. Mosquitoes biting you, to animals that eat them. From the moon to the oceans. Stars that He just created out of just a word. Herbs and plants that sustain life, and the sunshine and rain He provides to make them grow, down to the soil that they need to stand. The complexity of how a seed can mature into a mighty oak tree that in turn drives the squirrels into a feeding frenzy. How these trees and plants give us life through oxygen. Give us fruit and vegetables to provide our bodies with nourishment. How it is used to feed other animals…

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wow, 2 in 1 weekend…

There are days where I wonder where i am at.  I think I should be more spiritual and realize that I do not know how to even get there. Have I moved from God? Do i feel like I don’t need Him anymore? Am I my own person and at fifty three am I able to make my own wise decisions without consulting Him in prayer? Have I arrived in full knowledge of good and evil? Well the answer to all those questions is ,,,,”NO”.

What does it take to be more spiritual? Go to church, tithe my ten percent? maybe a new worship song, or another sermon. Another teaching on CD, or a new book. I have read enough books to fill my head with delusions of everyone else’s way of thinking. I must admit at times, reading other people’s stuff leaves me feeling like a failure in my walk. Too many expectations that i feel need to be met. Do this, don’t do that, try harder, do less, pray more, make your prayers shorter, spend time meditating and worship more. I really don’t need another honey do list. If I did what everyone else is doing, wouldn’t I just be a copy of them, instead of an original? I don’t want to be you, I want to be me. Who says what you do is even right anyway.  When I am having a tough season, i could read a hundred books and listen to a thousand teachings, and it still won’t fix what is going on inside my brain and my heart.  I need my dry bones to come to life. Sure you could tell me this or tell me that and i do not believe it will work. I have had too many things prophesied that I do not know what to believe. How do I know that they got it right? How do you really know that anyone is tracking with God? Sure you could have a big name and sell a thousand books and preach all over the world, but you are still human. Even Moses didn’t get to enter the promised land.

Anyway, enough of that rambling, let’s move on to something important, like me. I’m in a season of a long dry spell, maybe my ears are plugged and I am not hearing things very well. Maybe I should have taken that left turn in Albuquerque. My dreams have not been anything worth remembering. I feel like I have pulled way back, almost hoping to disappear. I am not sure what is going on. I just haven’t felt anything for a while. Maybe I am just having a wilderness experience and there is a bright future ahead. Maybe I have been distracted from what is important, or maybe I am tired and I just don’t have the energy for other people’s bullshit. Who knows, I feel like I have had so much life sucked out of me over the last year. I haven’t really had anyone pour life back into me. I am hanging an a spiritual string. I think my angels are really doing a face palm, or on vacation. What is going on.

Everybody say, “I’m Cool”…..

I have been wanting to write something fresh and new lately.  I have recycled some of my old blogs to just keep the flow going.  Reading and rereading some of them and wondering what the hell was i thinking in that one. I can kind of see a trend of a man who loves Jesus, but is unsure of himself. A man who loves, but has a hard time loving himself. A man who can give easily, but doubts what he receives, or feels unworthy of receiving anything.It is easy to give encouragement that get it.  Insecurity and doubt and low self esteem are this guys enemies, or constant companions. I thought Jesus came to set me free, why don’t I believe it? Why do i need to beg for encouragement, or a pat on the back. Then when i get it, do i believe that it could possibly be true? Does God really love me that much? Do people really care that much? It is easy to hide in my house and withdrawal from people. I find myself doing it on social media. It is easy to hide behind my computer and not let anyone in.  How do you know if anyone is sincere and genuine?

I wonder about my way of thinking.  What if I am just an angry little boy inside, who feels like that every time something goes wrong and it is my fault. It is easier to hide away, and push people away,  than to live with the fear that you are going to be abandoned again.  Rejection can be a very real thing. It hurts. I know I have probably done my fair share of it. Do you really love me, and How will I know it? God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” I have to believe that I can trust God, after all He is not human.

Some days I think I know what I want and some days I’m not so sure.  I just want to be secure and confident. There should be no doubt. I really do want to have friends, but it just never seems to go that way.  What am I really looking for? I have searched for it every where. Hidden meanings is poetry, and songs, in books, people and relationships. Booze and drugs, bad relationships, work and church. What is life really about. You are born, a bunch of crap happens and you die. There are all sorts of good times and bad times in between. Hey, “I am just looking for clues at the scene of the crime, life’s been good to me so far,” Jumpin’ Joe Walsh.  What is it really all about? Can I really just let someone love me, without adding stipulations. Sure, i’ll let you in, but please don’t shit on me or make demands, don’t tell me what is wrong, show me what is right. Oddly enough, I know what is wrong with me.

Then one day, this fellow by the name of Jesus comes a long. He picks me up, and brushes me off, and says that you are my friend. He doesn’t care about my wheelbarrow full of problems. He just grins and says that we will walk through these issues together. I will hold you through the pain and help you see what is right. He is interested in me. He actually cares, and i know He hears my prayers. Lately i feel that it is one sided. I feel that I am distant. Yet I still trust. I believe that I am a much loved child, warts and all.

it’s an affair of the heart…

a man of a different spirit...

1….the function or the power of perceiving by touch.
2….physical sensation not connected with sight, hearing, taste, or smell.
3…..a particular sensation of this kind:…a feeling of warmth; a feeling of pain.
4…the general state of consciousness considered independently of particular sensations, thoughts, etc.
5….a consciousness or vague awareness:..a feeling of inferiority.
6….an emotion or emotional perception or attitude:..a feeling of joy; a feeling of sorrow.
7….capacity for emotion, especially compassion:…to have great feeling for the sufferings of others….
To be in touch with ones feelings, Is a real gift. I have often wondered about them. The world wants you to hide them, it’s like it is a sign of weakness, I think otherwise. I think it is a real strength to be able to show who you really are. Does it really matter what others think. The world always says,”Men aren’t supposed to cry,”.That’s not true Jesus…

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