Am I dreaming????

So I’m sitting here having a conversation and I say,” you know some days I am tired and cold, I really struggle and i don’t know how i will make it some days.”

He says,”yes I know, go on”

“some days I am lonely and afraid”, I say

“keep going”  He says

I say, “I worry too much and fear the future, Will i be sick or stay healthy, will there be enough in the well, what’s going to become of me, doubt and insecurity are my constant foes,  how much longer can i keep doing this before i don’t have anymore to give, what kind of plans and future do I really have?”

He just smiles and let’s out a little belly laugh and says,”is that all, you are sure full of a lot of questions”,His smile gets a little brighter, if that’s possible, and says,”haven’t I always been there?”

“well yes” i say,

“haven’t I always seen you through every thing” He says

“well I guess so” I say looking down

“Haven’t you grown in wisdom and understanding?” He says with a grin.

“Haven’t you learned what love is, and how much I do have your best interest in mind, Even when you didn’t know me, I was still there. I have always had my eye on you. You are very special to Me. I was there every time you felt like you were in a pit. When you got into a terrible mess, when you felt like you were losing hope.” He said in a glorified nature.

It was then that i realized that every step along the way, no matter how terrible and ugly it looked, was there to help me grow, to see Him as more than just a Savior, to see Him as my Friend, my comforter and my guide. I knew that He knew every step of my life, yet He chose me, to love me.

“I am sorry if I have ever disappointed you and let you down,” I said.

“you have never been a disappointment to me, or a failure, you have always brought me great joy, in fact I expected you to fail, How else would it draw us close”. He said.

“you expected me to fail?” I inquired

“sure I did, If you succeeded all the time, you would think that you did it with your own power, and you would have no need for Me, your head would swell up so much that it wouldn’t fit through the door.” He said

“I am thankful for all the times you helped me, I have always thought that me life was just a mess, that no one would want me or care. I am most thankful that you are teaching me how to love.” I said.

“I am honored to call you my child, to have you apart of the kingdom family, I have great plans for you, you are fine young man, and together, we are going places”, He beamed

I could feel the love and confidence starting to swell, not in a prideful way, but in a peaceful way. I knew that there would be more battles ahead, more trials ahead, and surely more falling on my face. I knew that there would be more prayers and worship times in my future. I knew that there were miracles in my future and my hearing and reaction times would be quicker.

As He was hugging me, I could hear Him whisper in my ear,” I love you very much, and you are doing better than you think,,,,,,, I am always here”

As I wiped tears from my eyes, I said,”I am still trying to do the best I can, and i won’t give up”…..I am thankful that I still need a Savior…..


Introverts, It is not easy, ,That is how I am wired

If you you knew the life of an introvert.  To care to feel to love deeply. To understand that love is shared. to see it as  a deep ocean, that we all swim in in, hoping to find some shared landfall. to wash up on some shared beach and feel the exileration of being alive.  to feel the pain and joy of someone else’s life. To feel the exaltation of the music. to feel the things that no else can see. to be able to help someone else in  a way that the world can see. It=f you only knew what it felt like to be an introvert. It isn’t some much seclusion, it is the freedom to think, exposure that thinking and put it too music. to be uninterrupted in deep thought, only too giggle to one self. to be mu with unhindered expectations. the ability to be free. to feel the me that God created me to be. There are no rules are expectations.

Being an introvert is not what you think. The caring, the feeling, the thoughts that can run in a thousand different directions. Life is not easy. you wonder what a person meant by what they said, you can interpret   in ten different directions, and still wonder what they meant. Then get all confused when you think you understand. it is not easy. You like it quiet when you drink coffee or watch a movie and people take it the wrong way when you feel like you are interrupted.  There really is no freedom to be yourself and enjoy what you like, If you took the time to understand an introvert, you would understand.

Yet we go through life constantly giving of ourselves , hoping someday, some where some one will understand and we realize that know one will. we constantly give, hoping some one will give back. Or energy is drained and hard to replenish. When we have time to ourselves, you have to understand when that time is interrupted that we feel violated. If you have a problem so far, see the management, God made me this way for a reason, even which I cannot figure out. At times it sucks and it is painful and i cannot understand why you would not try to understand. I am trying to love the best that I know How. I cannot help it that I did not learn how to do it when I was younger. Instead I learned how to build walls and protect myself. I cannot deal with pain very well. In fact I do deal with rejection and abandonment well at all. If you cannot love for who I am, why even bother at all. I just what to enjoy life and be happy being who I am. I have yet to discover who that is. At fifty three, I think i would know that by now. All i know is that i feel too deeply, I love God, I love music, and I am sick of pain.

Yet there is always some expectation to live up to. I should be doing this or doing that. You cannot think like that, you should be a productive member or society, and why should you care about the way this person feels. People do not realize that their judgement could be wrong. Yet I can dream of ten thousand different scenarios about a way a situation could go and know one would know and none of them will ever pan out. I don’t think people ever realize that perceptions of others is never the truth. If you really knew me, you would understand. I don’t think people take the time to understand anymore. As long as I can get what I want,] from you, I am good. I just want to know that I am loved and you won’t use me to get what you want.

To be loved, what does that even look like. Love is so distorted that I do not even know myself. I have been fooled before. I hate to admit it, but I walk around with a wall up. Always protected. I am no fool. I have let my guard down before. What are you going to do to make me feel any different. Why should I feel safe around you? I have seen those who say that they are christian, only to crap on you in their own best interest. Let’s face it, i am going to be alone, I have trusted and been crapped on by the best of them. I feel like I am destined to be alone. So If you are going to love me, you better be true and take the time to get to know my heart. I am wired different than most of the rest of the word, and the only way to see it is tee really get to know me. if you are not willing to give it any effort, then do not waste your time.

The way i show love can be misinterpreted by those who don’t understand. The things I can care for and care about may seem foolish to those who don’t know me. I can care for the strangest things and people will still think that I am crazy. I have this outlandish way of routing =for those who are fighting an internal battle, that no one else can see but me. When I stand up for their freedom, I am c ridiculed by those who don’t see what I see. We are all  valuable in the eyes of the Lord. It  is all on how we see it, do we see things in the eyes of Lord, or the way the world sees it? We all have different perspectives. Who’s side are you on anyway. Who are you following and what happened to you to make you think that way? We all have been through the shit, if you haven’t,  then you have no say in the matter. God has me on a different path than most. Mine is not the easy row. In fact, I have had it tougher than most. I have earned the right to think like this. It was what it took to get me this far. God has been with me this far, and I know I have that much more to go.

No Cape Required….

Am I any good? Will I measure up, will I make the cut? Who will come along side and lend a hand? Who are my encouragers, and who are the ones trying to destroy me?  Do we even have heroes anymore? I like watching super hero movies, there is always a good guy and a villain and a world to be saved. Almost a fairy tale. The hero beats the villain, gets the girl and saves the world, sure there are some bumps and bruises along the way, some destruction. The hero will eventually find who he is inside and reach down and do what ever it takes to win. I believe we have heroes out there still.

They are the people who do good things everyday. Those who go out of their way to help someone in need. That go out of their way to put a smile on someone’s face. Those not looking for nothing in return. Those who don’t count the cost. Those that will build you up, even when you are down. Those who can see through their pain and help you get a win. A place where selfish ambition is not even in the equation. The Ones who just make you feel good. Who know who they are. The quiet ones not looking for a pat on the back.

There still is goodness in this world. Sometimes you have to look hard to see it. A lot of prayer went into having my eyes opened to it. I felt like i was in a downward spiral of negativity. Constant complaining and bitching were consuming me. It was sucking the life out of me. I was getting tired of it. Thank God, He provided a way out. He heard my cry in the wilderness. He started speaking to me first about being patient and waiting. So I held my tongue more and opened my eyes and ears. Observing and seeing. Watching and waiting. Actually looking for it. Seek and you will find. Then He started talking to me about praying. So I started to pray more about goodness. The more I prayed the more i would hear about what to pray for. He would say what to pray for and wait and see. It is an interesting place to be. It is nothing new under the sun, It just seems new.  I still miss it though. Just like tonight, i made my wife mad, instead of listening to her, my introvert kicked in and i was over stimulated and she was talking and i lost my train of thought and jumped on her case. Well I haven’t arrived yet. I will continue to make mistakes and we will learn.

So if you are a little rebellious,  not afraid to bend the rules and do what ever it takes to get the job done. If you are not afraid to get your hands dirty. If you don’t care what others think. If you are not afraid to look foolish, If you are willing to take a chance on love or friendship, if you are not scared to make a mistake, if you are willing to rub elbows with people that others look down upon. Then you are my hero. We can not be afraid to go against the grain. Take a chance and be anti normal, do something out of your comfort zone. You can make a difference. You were put on this earth at this  time to be someone for somebody else. Make a wave, a joyful noise. Tell someone that they matter. Give someone a pat on the back. Give credit where credit is do. I have visions of sitting in that giant movie theater in the sky, and God and a few Angels and myself are watching a playback of my life. I cringe now about all the selfish and negative things in my past. When I turned left instead of right and it blew up in my face. There will be a lot of moments where I will see where i got it wrong. Jesus will be piping in and saying,”I got you covered”, But Hopefully there will be many where I got it right and The Father will look at me and say,”that’s my boy”. And we will grin. I am sure threw a lot of it the Angels will be laughing and think it is from the comedy section. The same grace that is extended to us, we need to be extending to others. In reality, none of us gets it right. Just keep asking for wisdom and believing that you will receive it. You will know what to do at the right time, and there will always be enough resources for you to get the job done. You are that hero that I admire. We all have struggles and when you can put them behind you for a brief moment and help some through their pain, then you are the one saving the world. You don’t even need a cape. You are more Incredible than you give yourself credit for.

Patently waiting….

Lately God has been showing me where to wait, and it will pay off. Tom Petty told me that the waiting is the hardest part. True that. Waiting has to be the hardest thing for me. It can go left or it can go right. As an introvert, I can think of a thousand different directions it can go, and none of them will be right. I hate living in my head at times. I can prepare myself for a thousand different conversations and none of them will go the way I think. I am not really sure about life. Fear is my biggest obstacle.  I am afraid of having cancer like my Grandfather, to a fear of not being liked. I try to help people out, but they always have their own agenda. Again, I am thinking too much.

I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of missing what God has planned for me. I am afraid of getting it wrong, It can almost paralyze me. At times it can give me such unbearable heartburn, that I don’t know where to turn. I want to try and be friends with everyone, but I have found out that is not a wise move. How  do you trust those who control and manipulate for their own benefit?  You cannot feed your pearls to swines. Not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone follows God. You cannot be a part time Christian.  You cannot use grace to get away with murder, or shit on another person. Treating others the way you want to be treated is not a cliche. Don’t be luke warm, because God will spit you out.

Not everything in life is easy, people are difficult and are only in it for themselves. The enemy is out to make your life difficult, and if you are not wise to his schemes, you will fall for anything. He will use whatever to make you feel like you are having a bad day. He will use whoever is available to trip you up and make you feel like crap.

God is bringing things to light. He wants to set captives free. What you may see as uncomfortable, he may see as freedom. We all have secrets and things we want to keep hidden. We all have faults and short comings.  Don’t you think God can see beyond that? He knows what is deep down in your heart. He knows who you truly are. He knows your potential.  God is not concerned.

God has told me numerous times that I am His friend, but yet I am not sure what that looks like. Heck I am not a very good friend to people. I am afraid that I will be alone. Who to confide in, who to trust, who to share with. If i have opened up to you, without shutting you out, consider yourself lucky.  I am afraid that I am not lovable, one to be abandoned because I am not good enough. Because that I don’t fit into some one elses plan. I am afraid that I can be someone’s baggage left at the airport terminal, because something else looks more appealing. I am actually tired of carrying this crap.

I am so much more than what was left behind. God saw me dirty and dying in a muddy ditch and picked me up and washed me off. The Plans I have for you, know one will understand. The purpose of your life will be hard and troublesome. People will not have your best interest in mind, they will have their selfish desire and will play whatever charade they can to make you look bad.  I the Lord know different, be patient and watch the downfall of those who oppose you. The Spirit of the Lord is upon you, no matter what anyone says.

Either you are listening to God, or you are listening to the world. Are you willing to sacrifice your titles for God’s glory? Who are you willing to live for, yourself or God? Can you suffer as Christ has suffered? God came so that you may live in freedom, you will not find that freedom in the world or in a church. There will have to be a sacrifice on your part. You may think it will cost you everything, but in the Light of the Kingdom, it will be costing you nothing. You have not even come close to learning what it means to suffer. You have not even learned to give of yourself. Throw away every misconception you have of what being a Christian may look like.

Real freedom comes in dying to yourself and putting Christ first. Living for Him is i concept that is foreign  to most. Winning is not everything you think it is. Being important is not where it is at, being the least is better than being first. What drives you in the kingdom. It is not what the church tells you.  Whether you believe it or not, God is for you, He loves you and has your best interest in mind, be patient, it will work out better than you planned. so quit planning and trust.

We are stardust,,,, We are golden…

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves”……Genesis 3

I wonder what Adam thought when He watched Eve take a bite of the apple. How many thoughts went through his head. I wonder if he thought about what she did and the cost that they would have to pay.  Did he think of being separated from Eve? Did he think about being separated from God?  Was he willing to give up everything to be with Eve. Did He chose a woman over God? Was he afraid of being alone?

“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”…Genesis 3

The sound of the Lord God, What does that sound like?  You know when a fire engine is coming by the siren, or the sound of someone coming down the hall with the clicking of their shoes. Have you ever sat in the woods, when it was quiet, you know when someone or something is approaching. How can one think that they could ever hide from God. That is when shame and fear are taking over. We want to hide and run away. I am way to familiar with these feelings. I feel like i have wanted to run away my whole life. where would i go and what would I do? Wherever it might be, those same feelings would be there waiting for me. Surprise,,,,we are still here. I think I am afraid of always doing something wrong, or fear of doing it wrong and some great punishment will be awaiting me. How does one shake off that fifty year old mindset. Living in a fear of doing it wrong can really deter ones confidence in everyday life. so I find ways to hide away,,,,Joe where are you.  So you put on fig leaves and hide your shame and guilt and hope your mask doesn’t fall off,,,i’m fine,,,,i’m good,,,,i’m okay,,,i will get over it.,,,,, That was in the past and that was then and this is now…… so we tell these little lies, when deep down it is destroying our insides and we wonder what did i do to deserve this.  We are like a butterball turkey and stuff it. It will come out and rear it’s ugly head now and then, and the only one who really knows it is sitting on a throne.

“The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.  And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”  So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.  After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.”….Genesis 3……

Now days do we really know what is Good and what is evil? I think we all have a different idea of what that may look like. Each one of us has a moral compass that is slightly a skewed from everyone elses. We all have different values. We all stretch the definition of what is right and wrong to fit our tastes. We may drive sixty in a fifty-five and say we are not speeding, when we clearly are. I have done that many times and justified it by saying everyone else is, so why shouldn’t it be OK for me to do. So when you try to push your morals upon me, why should I listen? what if you are wrong. How do any of us really know what is right and what is wrong? Who are we to judge any of that? ….”Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked”……….Maybe some need their eyes to be opened.

“He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.  He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.  Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.   The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth…….John 1,,,,,” This is how God clothes us now. He dwells within us. He has covered us with His righteousness. He has taken away my shame. There is no punishment, no fear, no guilt. There is freedom there. That is what God has wanted from the beginning. He has wanted us to have freewill, to chose to love God, not have it forced upon us. You cannot force anyone to love you through fear and punishment.  Goliath tried intimidation to put fear into David, and that didn’t work, why should we let it work for us.


smell like a man?

What does that even mean? Smell like a man, sweaty, stinky, dirty? Heck I am not sure that’s what being a man is. Are men wild at heart anymore? Do  I look for adventure or danger around every corner, or have i become some passive good boy that conforms to society? Be a good boy and you will get your reward. Be a productive member of society.  Be like everyone else, don’t make waves. What if we were to really be like Jesus. I think He was adventurous and daring. Throwing the money changers out of the temple, telling the pharisees how wrong they were, healing people on the Sabbath day. Not that He was a rebel, but look at the people He hung around with, tax collectors, fisherman, thieves, prostitutes and so on.

In Genesis 2, God creates man and then creates the garden and the all the animals. Man is still not satisfied and God creates a woman for companionship. Eve was created inside the garden and man was created outside. I think that is why men love adventure. To be wild at heart. As a man I still like adventure, I loved the thrill of riding a motorcycle, the free feeling I got from it. Or being a boy and exploring the woods, or climbing trees. One time I fell out of the tree and had to get stitches, I blamed the dog because I think I did not want my sense of adventure to be taken away.  I was just being a boy. I was not always a good boy either, I was in trouble most of the time, if it wasn’t in school, it was doing something that I should not have been doing.  I don’t think i ever wanted to be a good boy. In my fifties I still love some form of adventure. I don’t want to ever have my spirit dampen.  God gave us the whole world to subdue and I sit at home watching James Bond trying to save the world and rescue some damsel in distress. Wishing I was on some adventure.

So we work some eight to five job and collect our pay for what, to retire? Where is the fun in all that. Right now my body is so sore and my mind is tired of thinking about all the crap I should be doing. I all of a sudden feel older than I really am. I look in the mirror and see a man with grey hair and a grey beard and wonder what happened. Do i really have dreams left in me, will Gandalf  come along and ask me on one more adventure. Do I still want to sit behind the computer and answer the phone and listen to people complain about why they haven’t gotten there stuff yet, and they do not understand that the last phone call was the same thing and I have a stack of twenty more folders to go through on my desk? Do I still have a dream and a passion in my heart. Do I want to break free from the insanity that most good people call reality? Good Lord, being a good boy is killing my spirit deep within me.

There sat Peter and John and one day a man comes along and says, “Follow Me and I will make you fishers of men”. Little did they know the adventure that they would go on. They left it all behind to follow this one called Jesus. What is Jesus calling me to do? I haven’t a clue sometimes. Maybe I am afraid to step out in that adventure. There is no security in what God calls you to do, there is only security in Him. So mean while I sit here passively, a good boy, who conformed to what his church wanted and eventually awoke to that I was just a good boy there, who tithed his ten percent and saw what it was truly about. There was a man who I thought was my friend, he was a pastor, and then I saw he was only in it for the money. Be a good boy and don’t question your church.

Is that what being a man really is? Where are our William Wallaces of our day. Those crying out for our freedom. We have become good boys. We have sacrificed our manhood for fancy haircuts and smelling good. Where the sense of adventure is going to the mall or starbucks. Do real men still smell like sawdust and have dirty fingernails, pick up their steaks and eat it right off the bone?   Or have evolved into some pansies.  I am not saying that all men are this way, but gender sure has come under attack in the last few years. God created man and women, why wouldn’t that come under attack.  Thankfully there are still battles to fight, i still have a fight in me. Fight the good fight, and as Graham has said, a good fight is one you do not lose.

So stand up and be a man. We were created in God’s image to be more than a good boy.

the life of an introvert….

It’s not easy when you are out walking your dog in the morning while it is dark.  You have your headphones on and you are jamming away, you can feel the music pumping, and you know no one is watching. You can play air guitar without fear that anyone is watching and fear of looking like a fool. It is a time to set your soul free and enjoy the moment, then a string breaks on your guitar and you realize that they just don’t build them like they used to. Then your mind spirals down into a deep well of thoughts about life and death and Tom Petty you went home too soon. I grew up listening to you and knew when something you put out was going to have a beat to it and in someways touch my insides with a word I could relate too.  I enjoy people who can awaken my inner self.  That raspy voice, that duet with stevie, the alice in wonderland video, and that confident riff that made you hold your head up and told me what song was starting on that old AM radio that I had. Ah, to be young again.

Memories, we all have them, whether they are good or bad, they are a part of the make up of who we are. I think I drag the worst of mine around in a suitcase and open them up when I feel shitty about myself. When I want to sit in my little pity party and feel bad about myself. I need to lose that one at some far away airport and take the return to sender tag off of it. There are the good memories also, the ones we cherish, the ones that put that secret smile on your face when you need one. The day your son was born, or the day Jesus revealed himself to you or the day your wife sneezed a big loogie onto your forehead and you laughed and laughed together. The days when everything went right and you felt on top of the world. I need more of those. The joy of knowing that you are loved. The things that put a smile on your face and made you feel good inside are the things you should remember most. Music for me can trigger so many memories. The sound track that plays in my head would make an awesome playlist.

Then there is a dark side to being an introvert. The thousands of conversations that plague your mind, why didn’t i say this, or why didn’t i do that? Always why.  Always questions without understanding. Nobody can really explain. The hurts that run through your brain, and the vows to never be in that position anymore. I never going to let so and so do that to me again. Then being the nice person you are, it happens again and again, and then it explodes into something really ugly and you ponder it hours later wondering how you allowed that person to do it again. There is some truth to when I get angry, i will shut you out. It is the easiest way i know to protect myself from the pain. For God’s sake, I need to build a wall. I could live in a castle with a huge deep moat and never let the drawbridge down,,,ever. Well as long as I have coffee and WiFi.

Then there is a side that so few get to see. That soft tender side. The side that helps me to love a puppy,  to be with my wife for thirty years. There is a compassion that gets trampled on way too many times. A loyalty that can crumble when broken, and observance of others and a constant updating of mental files of who’s naughty and who’s nice. I don’t want to let that happen again. I am not always quick on my feet, but can come up with a good idea, and to many ideas when given time to think.  I can easily get lost in a movie or a book and can growl like a sleeping dog when disturbed.  I can be my worst critic and can reach around and pat my own back.  I love to explore and discover on my own. The things that I treasure, some will not understand and just think it is old junk. When we die our memories will go with us, no one will know or care. Life on this earth will continue on and we will just be someone else’s memory.  As time passes we fade into some glory that will be long forgotten, we will not be in some history book. No one will remember what we stood for, or what passion drove us. No one will remember the work we did and what we built or tore down with our two hands.  We will just be a branch in some one’s family tree. The food we liked, or what made us sad. The core of our being will be gone.

These are the things I think about. I know that there will be a special place in heaven for me. A seat with my name on it. A coffee mug with my picture on it and a secret brew made just for me. There will be some there shocked that I made it in, and there will be others greeting me with open arms. There will be a great party the day I walk through those pearly gates. All that I endured will be worth it in the end.  We will worship the King together and watch the movie of my life. There is no shame in Heaven, so we will probably just watch the good clips, because all the bad crap will be edited out. Might be a short film. All my questions will be answered then. I am sure there will be a Q and A time. The treasures that are in my heart will be shared then, there will be thankfulness and tears of joy. I will look back at life and realize how short it really is, and all the dumb stuff that i worried about because I thought it was important. I just want to have more joy in the journey while I am waiting for that day.

It’s not Easy…..

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters……..Colossians 3:23

We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it……1 Corinthians 4:12

Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need….Ephesians 4:28

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them..Hebrews 6:10

I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false……Revelation 2:2

I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do….John 17:4

I was once a thief, taking everything that pleased my eye, and in my dream last night i kept finding all this money, piles of it underneath bleachers at this wild church out reach, it was like it fell out of people’s pockets and spilled on the ground for taking. It was weird because i felt like some belonged to my parents and some belonged to my grandparents. I could not carry it all. To find more, I had to work for it.

So speaking of work, I have been there for eleven and a half years.  so for arguments sake let’s say i worked an average of nine hours a day. which equals out to 2, 349 hours a year times 11.5 years equals 27,013.5 hours. 27,000 hours of helping people who were and are sick with some sort of respiratory issue. When people are sick, they are not always in their right mind. They are crabby and bitchy and demanding. When God said, I have a job for you, I never thought I would be doing this. You may not realize the amount of bull one has to endure when dealing with people. For an introvert, i take a lot of it personally. So when i woke up this morning I was thinking about my job and what God has ordained a person to do. The works that He has out before us. This is my lot for now in this period of my life. I have taken care of thousands of people, cried when some have died, and prayed over some, some got prayer without their knowledge. It was not always easy.

So if God put me into this position at work and prospered me, and helped me threw difficult times, why am I surprised still when I come under attack? You maybe I really am doing a good job and it is a battle. I can usually see through the bull when people us guilt and shame to try and motivate you to get what they want.  Also, patients lie, and so do their children. People will do anything to get their way. Old people can throw temper tantrums too. What’s even better are those who hide behind their phone and cuss and swear at you and tell you how worthless you are and what a shitty company you work for. Yet when offered the choice to leave, they stay. When people say the battle belongs to the Lord, have never been in this position. It is easy to say after the fact. When you are attacked by coworkers, that is the real surprise. I have put trust in these people and they just don’t seem to care about how you feel or your work load.  Well, i can still go home at the end of the day.

So to interact with people, you need a lot of the Spirit. Patience also helps. You have to go to the well and get filled up often. If people only knew how their actions affected others. Of course being an introvert, i can replay the scenario a thousand times in my head and still be wrong. Then feeling like I am the one to blame, or it’s my fault, or i can’t measure up to someone elses expectations will plague me and I will feel like a failure, again. People do not realize how much encouragement a person needs. Or how personal a person can take what they say and the next day they just go on like nothing has happened. This type of thinking has plagues me for decades. The millions of thoughts and feelings that have run through my head that something is wrong with me, or I am to blame. I am never going to live up to anyone’s expectations, but God’s. It is easy to play the introvert card and hide behind that way of thinking, because people are mean and cruel. I am tired of feeling like a failure, and when you bring it up and try to talk about it, it is like you have the plague and you just need to get over it, or quit living in the past. So you look for answers in any little song, or phrase, or person, always searching for something that will help numb the pain. I do not know why I am wired like this, I guess God needed someone like me in this place and time. So you find all types of coping mechanisms to just make it through everyday life. If you want to talk about real battles, i can tell you about them.  It is time to have a new thought.

The glory at the end of the trail is going to be worth it. I am going to run into my Saviors arms and grab Him by the neck and kiss Him and thank Him for everything. The tears of joy are going to flow and I will know what real freedom is like. There will be no more shame and guilt, no more sorrow and pain., no more worrying or struggling. There  will be freedom in it’s purist form.  I will have a new body. I can have that now even. So when you see me smiling in the mix of crap, you’ll know that I am in my happy place, with Jesus.


What is love,,,baby don’t hurt me no more….

Here we are, another glorious day to be alive. With so much to be thankful for, where does one even start.  To be glad to have a place to lay my head each night, or to have food to make my belly even bigger. To love and be able to love in return. Well some don’t choose to love. They would rather choose to chew your ass out over the phone over some piddly crap or try to lord over you with their title and tell you that it is your job, not theirs. Whatever has happened to saying you are a Christian and being it? What is being a Christian even mean anymore. Listening to a few good songs on the local praise and worship station, maybe watching some evangelist on the television and giving a few bucks to a local church? It seems like it is so watered down from what it could be. Do people even read their bibles anymore? Is it more to it than that? What about praying? It seems like such a cliche, how do you know they do, and what if God says no?  How do others know what is best for me? How can a Christian say one thing and do another? It seems like Christianity has more rules than the Old Testament. What if I don’t want to do my walk like you do? Does that make me wrong? Am i going to hell fast then? What if I want to protest the way you do it, but still love the Same God?  If you have a degree, does that mean you know what is best for me?  What if I went to the school of hard knocks, does that mean I know what is best for me? There is always someone who tries to shove their way of thinking down your throat, and I am no better.

I have found that it is good to have certain people around. As an introvert I am always watching and picking up on stuff. I see your habits and quirks, I see what’s missing. I have tried to help some, but I have noticed that they think they have arrived. Arrived to what I do not know. They are here to show me how not to be in life.  Maybe that’s why I don’t have too many friends. I wonder why my wife has stuck with me for almost thirty years? When I look at myself all I can see is what I did wrong, and what went wrong. It’s like I deserved to be punished. Oh Oh, another spanking. I would hope to believe that their is something good in me.  Jesus came to set me free, when is that going to happen, and what does that even look like. How can I be compassionate and loving to others, when I don’t even know how to be that too myself?  Some days I feel like I have wandered so far away from being a Christian that I could not even find my way back. Then there are other days where I am crying out for help and mercy.  God just show me a sign, send one person, do something,,,,,,,,

Meanwhile back here on planet earth, I find myself still clinging on to hope. Salvation is mine, but I want so much more. What is really going on in my mind and my heart. Am I turning into some critic who wants to shy away from humans? There seems to be a price to pay for just being yourself. At times I have felt so far from who I wanted to be to who I am know, that I have forgotten the dreams that I did have only to try and plow through the nightmare of everyday life. If there is one thing that I have noticed is that people are going to do and say what they want.  They do not care who or what is in their way. If they trample over you to get ahead, they don’t really care as long as their are satisfied. They proclaim that they are Christians in one breath and crap on you with the next. Not caring on how you feel. So yes, I withdrawal and put up a wall, for God’s sake, I do need to protect myself. My heart cannot take too much more. I guess I am a Christian because I feel the need to be loved unconditionally.  No strings attached, can people even do that anymore?

If you read this please let me know somehow. I am feeling self conscious and discouraged. I find myself wondering if anyone reads this. I can’t stop writing though, it is kind of a creative outlet, or a place for me to vent. Nobody ever said life was easy, if they did, they where lying. Life is hard, people are cruel and nobody is right all the time. Going to heaven is starting to look better and batter everyday.  I can see why I need more and more of God everyday.

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes….Matthew 6

God’s in there……

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
Sweet child o’ mine…….

That’s where I’m at.  Is it a new season? Out with the old and in with the new? It ain’t even New Years Day.  It has been an interesting summer anyway, well maybe not, it was a far better one than the last one. Things change, perspectives change, and the way I see the world is changing. Values change, and my team will probably not go to the Super Bowl again. Protesting the flag and the National Anthem, I can never figure that one out. Or changing history and doing away with Civil War statues, that is really making a statement there, dumb asses. Ooops, maybe that will offend someone. No matter where you go or what you do some one will take offense or find fault in what you do and have a better way of doing it. Thank God I am an introvert and avoid such people. How do you love your neighbor when He’s an ass? It is hard to be a Christian in such a modern day society. Well at least we are not being persecuted and hunted down.  In my opinion,(not that it matters), there is just not enough thankfulness anymore. What ever happened to good old fashioned kindness? Has it been replaced with, “It’s all about me”, mentality? Heck I don’t know. I think people are afraid of the school of hard knocks. Sure I would like it easy for a change, but I don’t even know what that would look like. It is always the hard way.

As I  search for answers in this life, I realize that there are a lot of people who think they have an answer for everything. How do you know whose is right and who is full of B S. Just for example, let me tell you about a lady who lives down the street. She minds her own business, keeps her lawn mowed and does not cause a ruckess. Yet she continues to feed the squirrels corn. Full ears of corn are thrown out daily. These squirrels drag this corn every where. There are corn cobs all over. These same squirrels are also planting this corn all over. Storing it up for winter, as squirrels do. They plant corn in your flower pots and your yard. Our flowers have been dug up many times and it can be quite frustrating. There is not a house in this area that does not have corn growing up in their lawn. In fact some yards look like corn fields. I see it every day when I take the dog for a walk. I just have to chuckle to myself.  She thinks she is doing the right thing by feeding these squirrels, but she does not see the damage that is being done in everyone else’s yard. I have resorted to using the Red Ryder on these corn planters. you’ll shoot your eye out with one of those.

People can be the same way, they keep offering advice, a little bit here and a little bit there and the next thing you know they have corrupted the way you look at life. I am always leery of some one who has to get their two cents in on everything you do or say.  I did not know that they were such experts on my life. Sometimes you can tell how people are if they can run a ratchet strap or not. Not every thing is on google.

My role at my work place has changed a little. I am not at the front desk anymore, or the front line as I think of it. The place where the phone is answered first and the place where the customer attacks first. A place where you have to have your guard up.  Because people are cruel and rude and think they are entitled, by the way the customer is not always right. I am in a back corner office where I can quietly work on paperwork. I do deliveries every couple of days, but I also make sure that orders are taken care of. I actually kind of enjoy it now, it’s like a breath of fresh air. When I was at the front I found myself very unsure of all that I did, making sure things were done right. Always asking question, very dependent on some one else. Now that I am not at the front, I have found that some one is dependent on me.  That I have to have the answer to all the problems.  I realized that I knew it all along. That the answers were in me all the time. That I actually did know what I was talking about.

What I am saying in all that is that is the same way with your walk with Christ. The big difference is that He is inside you. That He is your confidence. He will give you the right answer, it has been inside you this whole time. He has never left you. It isn’t a one and done kind of thing. I found myself doubting my faith, convicting myself because I haven’t cracked open my bible for a while, or gone to any church for a number of years. Kind of feeling out of touch, maybe having my own little pity party. Then realizing it has still been with me all this time, that I still pray and talk to God. He does understand me and gets me just the way I am. He works with me through the changes, not forcing them upon me. There is a better response when things are done out of love rather than forced down my throat. After all it is a good thing that God isn’t human.  As the old song goes, “If you love me let me be, if you don’t then set me free”. There is no control or selfishness in heaven, why should there be some here on earth.