Still crazy after all these years….

I am not sure how others think or feel about life in general. I can only speak for myself. At times it seems so frustrating. I can miss the meaning of so many things people say, or even how they act. i can run with it in a thousand directions and completely send myself into a tizzy. I wonder how i have even made it in life this far. everyday releases new challenges and a whole new list of impossibilities that can send you into a whirlwind of insecurity. I can over analyze better than Freud. it is a wonder i am even sane at all. what is being sane anyway? Why does one go through so much, what is going on here? I have no one to blame but myself. Only I am responsible for my thoughts and actions. I am the one that needs to let go of all the baggage that i have been carrying since God knows when. I think that is why i have all this grey hair. It is a wonder how one gets around in life with a wheelbarrow full of problems and you are trying to fix them on your own. Hoping for some relief around the next corner only to find another stack to add to your pile. Then the load gets heavier and heavier and you are trying to find your way in the fog. Then you try to fix it on your own and you feel like it is only getting worse and worse. you put a smile on your face and pretend things are going fine, while deep down you wonder how did i get here. You try to get right with God and dig deeper and you get beat up. you pick yourself up and try again. Meanwhile back at base camp in your mind, you fight with self worth, you wonder how can anyone like some one like myself and you feel the only answer is to run away. run to where? i think i have wanted to run away my whole life. you try to please people or help, just to have a friend. then you fight the lies of are they really your friend, do they really care, did i make myself to look like a fool. so then you tend to want to hide away. you battle in your mind, why would anyone want you anyway. you battle rejection, and hope it all goes away. you spend your energy trying to please others only to feel unwanted. Insecurity is a dangerous foe. I feel like i am fighting a losing battle with it. I am afraid of what people may think of me, or i even question their intentions when they want to help. What is their motive and why are they being so nice.

Am i missing something here in life? Are there really people out there who care? How do you trust when you feel like it has been broken. It is obvious you can’t trust in the world or the government. You should be able to trust in God, it says so on all your money. Trusting God is interesting, He can be so complex, yet so simple. I think it is my brain the makes it complicated. I know that i Love God, but wonder if He loves me back. Kind of stupid huh. You would think that as a follower of Christ, i would be one of the most confident person out there. At times i need to be reassured. If anything it is nice to hear from God. Hey it’s me, how am i doing down here? Do you still love me? Please give me a some encouragement, a dream, a word something. What a silly person I am. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and i get tired of being treated like that. How does one cope with feeling like you do everything wrong? How does one build up his self-esteem, his confidence. i tend to look at what is wrong more than what is right. I can tell you more about the mistakes i have made than all the good things i have done. That’s probably why i feel like the worst sinner ever. I just can’t shake it. Living in the past is not good. no wonder i feel like a miserable wretch at times. Alas, there is hope. With a world that is spinning down the toilet, there Is God. It’s the one thing that is for sure. I have to believe. where else can you go? I feel like God has driven me into a corner and there is nothing else but Him. Even then i feel like i am hanging by a string. When life takes us out of our norm and puts a crazy spin on it, where you don’t see what the future is like, the only thing you can cling to is God. I have to stay here and see how it is going to end. These are exciting times. i just seem to take on the stress and anxiety that goes along with it. If they were passing out awards for worry, i would win hands down. I will be okay. I like Old Gideon, he was lacking in a lot of the same issues i am. He was hiding in a wine press, when the angel appeared. he thought of himself as the lowest and weakest, but God could see his true worth. Gideon you might man of valor. Yet Gideon had to throw out a couple of fleeces. still had doubt when God reduced his army to less than three hundred, then God asked him if he needed a prophecy. Gideon said yes, so God sent him into the enemies camp and he received one. I would have given up. Here we are in the camp of the enemy now, the battle is real and the last word i have received is, “God will provide your manna”. so everyday I am expecting something, and of course the enemy is right there speaking against it. I will believe God, what he says he will do and what he says about me. He knows my heart.